self-sabotage

That's what I've been doing lately. Self-sabotage. Back-tracking, waiting for the other shoe to drop, worrying more about what could happen or seems to be happening, instead of focusing on the here-and-now.

I don't know if it's the time of year, time of month, phase of life, lifelong habits, mind-set, past trauma, or what. But I've been holding myself back, again. Caught in a pattern of not pushing myself to move forward, and by doing that, getting myself caught in the past.

I will give myself credit, I did realize it. This time. I'm not sure how long it took to figure it out, though. It's not like I was back to wallowing. Outwardly, I may even have given the appearance of moving forward. And to give myself credit, I have dealt with things in the past several months that were, in many ways, steps forward. I took care of some important issues, I bought a car, I've replaced several old appliances. I am making progress. I do know this.

But up in my head, there's that whole thinking too much thing going on. And it's very easy for me to get circular in my thinking, when I argue with myself. It's also much easier to believe what I want to believe, just because I want to believe it, without a lot of evidence to back it up.

(That doesn't mean I'm necessarily wrong. But it can mean I'm not always right. :p)

Anyway, I'm letting stuff take up too much space in my head, that shouldn't be there. That's how I self-sabotage these days. Allowing myself to spend way too much time thinking about things I have no control over and cannot change. It's not good. It takes from the time I should be spending doing other things, thinking about my goals and plan, working on myself, gearing up my job search, focusing on what will be because I will be doing it, not on what may happen because someone else might be doing something.

It's a new month, and almost a new year. No more waiting for a shoe (bitch boots or not) to drop. I'm finding other things to think about.

what a contrast

My boyfriend came for a visit this weekend. We had planned the visit before I was in the wreck, but the timing couldn't have been better. He needed to see for himself that I really was okay, and I needed some relief from the stress of dealing with all the insurance/car shopping stuff.

I know I should try harder to not compare my boyfriend and ex. But sometimes it's just so glaringly different and better with my boyfriend that it's hard to not draw some comparisons.

Prior to this wreck, the last wreck I was in happened about 17 years ago or so. I was in a Mustang, and got rear-ended by a pickup truck. It wasn't a high-speed impact, and there wasn't much damage done to my car at all. But I was pregnant with my younger son.

I was able to drive home, shaken and more than a little scared for my baby. I came into the house, told then-husband, and his first reaction was to go outside and look at the car.

Flash forward to now. The wreck I was in recently was more serious. I had minor injuries, and my van totaled. But neither was I pregnant this time, nor were my kids in the vehicle. I was not seriously injured The accident could have been a lot worse than it was. I was lucky.

Now, instead of a husband who checks on vehicles first, before making sure his pregnant wife and unborn child are okay, I have this incredibly sweet, wonderful man who flew to visit me for a weekend, who needed to make sure I was okay, and who wanted to pamper me. He looked at the scrapes and cut on my head within seconds of seeing me at the airport. He wanted to look at each and every bruise, so he could see that they were healing and fading already. He made sure I had plenty to eat, ran errands with me, and even came to the eye doctor with me just to sit around waiting for a couple of hours.

Before he left today, I tried to tell my boyfriend how much it meant to me, and why it did, although without going into the exact details of why. To feel the love and level of caring from him truly does feel like such a wonderful gift.

it is a contrast... 

facing down, well, not exactly a trigger

My van got totaled in the wreck I was in Thursday morning. So now I have to buy a vehicle, on my own, all by myself. The last, and only, time I did that was 26 years ago, when I was 21. I found a really cute little Mustang 4 cylinder, 4 speed. I was so pleased with myself. I thought I had done a good job negotiating the price, and more importantly, the car was just me, kwim? Hey, give me a break. I was a 21 year old girl. Looking good in the car was important. :laugh:

My mom took me to pick it up, and when I was just about home (I still lived at home with my mom), my exH who was my boyfriend at the time, drove past me. He turned around and followed me home. And with the first words out of his mouth, he sucked the joy of buying my very own first car away from me.

It quickly turned into all about him. Why didn't I ask him about it? Why didn't I have him go and check out the engine before I bought it? etc, etc. He looked it over, and finally deemed it okay. But by then the damage was done. The joy from having done this myself was gone, the doubt in myself had begun, and the need for now-ex's approval grew stronger.

The next time I bought a car, ex was my fiance, so it seemed natural that we'd do this together. Except, I pretty much let him pick out the car I was buying. Oh, I decided what type of car I was getting (another Mustang, this one with a V-8 5 speed), and I had veto power, but I let him decide the trim package, and even the color. Because he knew so much more about cars than I did. Because I thought it meant I was special, that he wanted me to have a car he thought I looked good in. Because he loved me, and wanted me to have a nice car. Truth be told, he did a good job. I loved that car, until ex wrecked it a year later. But that's another story.

Eventually, along came the van that was just wrecked. By the time we got that, we had been married for years, had a couple of kids, and had to get a vehicle to replace one totaled in a wreck. I needed a kid hauler, but didn't particularly want a van. I wanted an SUV, but I didn't want the price tag that goes with SUVs. I also didn't want to go car shopping with now-ex, with 2 small kids in tow, so I backed off completely. Let ex handle everything. Again, he did a good job, and got the vehicle we needed at the time, at a price we could afford.

I abdicated my responsibility, my choices, my decisions, so easily. I let my husband handle it all because "he was so much better at all of this than I am."

That's the lesson I learned, so many years ago, when I bought my first car. That my decision making when it comes to buying vehicles cannot be trusted.

And now all these years later, I have to buy a vehicle all by myself. Granted, I'm not even close to the same person that I was at 21. But the...fear...in me is that it will be pointed out to me that I screwed up, or could have screwed up, that I chose wrong, and that any joy I have in whatever vehicle I end up getting will once again be sucked away.

What a horrible legacy to have from the purchase of one's very first own car...

rather unsettling weekend

No question about it, I had a meltdown Saturday night and it was the first one I've had in quite some time. Up until about 3 hours before I ended up curled up in my bed crying, I had been in a great mood. Then, I wasn't and I'm not exactly sure why. I could just feel my mood go downhill.
And then...the tipping point. One last small issue, on top of all the other small issues, and that was it. It was meltdown time.
Now it's Sunday night, and tomorrow morning I have to head to a job I've learned to not particularly like, but I'm in a better mood now.
See, unsettling.
Maybe it's a case of finally seeing that all I've done this weekend outweighed the crap I couldn't do. I don't even care why right now. I'm just glad I'm in a better mood.

rolling with the punches

so here I am, on a perfectly wonderful weekend with my boyfriend, and during a bit of downtime, I decide to check some of my "social" networking sites.

yeah well, turns out one of them shows you who looks at your profile.

*sigh*

yep, the ex or someone using his name searched for and looked at mine.

I so did not need to know that. I really didn't need to know that this weekend, and especially not today.

he walked out on me 2 years ago, and in doing so gave up any rights to check up on me, be concerned about me or in any way, shape or form, know about my life. it's just none of his damn business.

yeah, I know. it's a public networking site, I agreed that people could see my profile when I signed up for it...blah, blah, blah...

but I don't want to know that 2 years after he left, the ex is still looking for stuff about me online. I just don't want to know about it. I found out months after the fact that not only he but his psycho bitch from hell OW was reading what I wrote on SI. sure, that's another public online forum, and god knows there are thousands of people on any given day that I don't know about reading what I write. same thing goes for the blog, except the thousands part.

knowing that the ex and whore deliberately went looking for what I wrote - that's what makes it different to me. it wasn't to help me, it wasn't to empathize or try to understand the utter devastation they caused in my life. no, it was to keep tabs on me. it was to use what I was posting against me, as if in some strategic defense. it was cyberstalking.

and now, 2 years later, I can't help but feel that here we go again. I really hope I'm wrong. 

Support, belief, a talisman…what got me through the shit-storm

This is going to be long. If you’re inclined to read it all, take a potty break first, grab a drink, and make yourself comfortable first. Yep, I’m that wordy. Oh, and since I was initially writing this to post on survivinginfidelity.com, here's a glossary of terms - SI is survivinginfidelity.com (not Sports Illustrated ;) ). Anti-versary is the anniversary of a not-good event such as d-day (discovery day) or the date a WS/H/W (wayward spouse/husband/wife - in other words, the cheater) leaves. OW is the other woman. NC means going no contact. The 180 is...well, it's a technique to where you change your behavior 180 degrees, and go from focusing on/catering to the other person and having them be the priority to making yourself the priority instead. There's more to it than that, but that's the bare-bones basics.

Now on with the actual post...

I know I was whining the other night about having to deal with a 2^nd anti-versary, but I’m actually just about 3 years out from my 1^st d-day. It’s just that from d-day #1 until the day now-ex walked out spanned almost a year, and then to add to things, it took almost another year for my divorce to be finalized. So my anti-versaries are spread all over the calendar and over several years of that calendar as well. 

Anyway, I whined. Now it’s time to focus on the positives, and what helped me make it through the shit-storm ex dumped on me almost 3 years ago. Not that I’m all the way through it, as noted by my whine the other night. But I’m 3 years down this path and into this journey, and that counts for a hell of a lot, at least imo. 

Brief back-story – caught now-ex physically cheating with one OW and sexting with another. The two OW knew about each other. A month after d-day#1, ex confessed to a prior affair. I thought we were trying to R, but ex took the affair way underground. Nine months after d-day#1 I found the secret cell phone. A month and a half after that, he walked out on me and the kids. Turned out he had a vacation planned with the OW, so he had to walk out on his kids with no good bye, no explanations, and no apology. Yeah, he really is a chicken-shit ass. 

Before I found the secret phone, one of the OW somehow got my credit card info, and committed identity fraud. She ordered a bunch of stuff online with my card and had it shipped to me. I filed a police report, and named both OW as possible suspects.  The probability that my then-WH supplied my credit card info to the OW did not go un-noted, btw. 

Oh, and when I found the secret phone, I also found out that not only was then-WH reading everything I was posting on SI, he had also told his whore about it, and she was cyber-stalking me. I’ll admit, once I knew about that, I had a little fun with it, mostly by posting misleading information. It may not have made any difference, nor had any impact, but it amused me. And that’s all that mattered to me.

Okay, so onto what got me through this shit-storm. 

I told my sister almost right away, within the first week of catching xWH. She’s my big sister. She’s got my back no matter what. Hilariously, at one point xWH actually thought she’d understand and take his side, because she knows how much of a bitch I can be. Yeah, like that was ever going to happen. XWH really is an idiot. 

I told some friends irl, about a month after d-day#1 but before d-day#2. I hadn’t intended to tell them, but we had a mom’s night out and I ended up just blurting it out. It was early days, and as it turned out, I didn’t have most of the truth anyway, but I ended up getting empathy and support from my friends that I hadn’t realized I needed.

I also found SI about a month after d-day#1. I still did almost everything wrong, including the 180. But I read, and read some more and kept reading, and finally what I was reading began to sink in. How else do you think I knew to go looking for a secret cell phone? All while I thought pretended to myself we were in R, the red flags had been waving, and when I was finally ready to see them, what I had learned on SI clicked in. The 180? I mastered it. Going NC? Got that down too.  

Not only had I learned about the lengths cheaters will go to continue cheating, but I learned what remorse truly looks like. I learned how to tell the difference between remorse, and guilt. I saw that anonymous people online were more concerned about my health and emotional well-being than the man who was my husband was. I saw that my reactions to then-WH’s actions were normal. I saw that then-WH’s actions were not unusual. In fact, what he was doing and how he was acting was pretty much straight out of the cheater’s handbook. It wasn’t just me. I wasn’t the crazy one. 

Once ex left, I told anyone who would listen. I also joined an irl divorce support group, because I was tired of dumping my shit on my friends. They were still willing to listen, and they continue to be supportive, but I needed the time with them to be about something else, at this point. 

One thing that was a bit unusual though, was that my self-esteem didn’t take the hit that many BS’s do, after d-day #1. It actually improved. I look back now, and see that I had taken that hit, before I found out about ex cheating on me. But it was as if finding out answered some question I hadn’t known I had, and something started making sense that hadn’t made sense before. It had a lot to do with me having taken on blame and responsibility for things in my marriage that suddenly I knew I wasn’t responsible for. I remember wailing to my then-WH that I didn’t understand why he didn’t like me as I am, that other people liked me, why couldn’t he? And that was it. Other people liked me and accepted me for who I was. I liked the me I was around these people. But then I’d go home, and become this other me, and I didn’t much like her. That me acted differently. I kept parts of herself tucked away, because I was afraid to let them out and be the real me around now-ex. I was afraid he wouldn’t accept me for who I really was. And I was right. But then again, he didn’t accept me for who he wanted me to be either. 

I realized I had been basing my acceptance of who I am on my then-WH’s opinion of me. Well hell, he was a liar and a cheater. His opinion lost all its validity in my eyes. I couldn’t trust anything he said, so why should I believe his opinion of me? I started looking at myself through my own eyes, for the first time in a very long time. I like myself, and I finally let it show to everyone, but especially to myself. 

Alrighty then, where were we? I think I pretty much covered support, and the belief part was about accepting myself and believing in who I was even though ex didn’t, or maybe especially so because he didn’t (yep, I’m kinda contrary that way too). 

So, on to the talisman part. I didn’t intend this to become a talisman when I bought it. But it did, and I’m incredibly glad something compelled me to buy it when I did.  Several months after d-day#1, I had to do my Christmas shopping. Long story short, I ended up buying myself a necklace that had a small charm on it. The charm says Dream on one side and Live Your Dreams on the other. When I got home from shopping, I put it away in a drawer. It wasn’t until months later, after ex left, and as I was heading back to college for the first time in 25 years, that I took the necklace out of the drawer, and wore it for the first time.  I found myself reaching up and touching the charm, a lot. And every time I touched it, I would remind myself that I was strong, I would get through this, and my dreams were worth pursuing. 

Do I believe my necklace has some magical powers? No, I don’t. But it is something that allows me to focus my thoughts and energy, and reminds me that my dreams aren’t foolish, and that I’m worthy of having those dreams come true. 

And now I also wear a bracelet that matches my necklace, because the man who is now my boyfriend heard the story of why I wear my Dream necklace. He found a bracelet that finishes the Live Your Dream quote, and gave it to me on our first weekend together. It is such an incredible feeling to know that someone cares about you enough to want you to follow your dreams, and succeed. 

I don’t know that I actually accomplished what I set out to write this morning. This was originally going to be a post for SI, to offer some encouragement to those who are much newer to their journey of dealing with infidelity. But I ended up even wordier than I expected, so it’s going to be just a blog entry now, instead of being posted both places. I guess I’ll come up with something else for SI. But I have accomplished something – peace of mind, maybe…a bit more clarity of thought…perhaps simply a release of some of the negativity I’ve allowed to take hold of me lately.

My horoscope today on dailyom.com talked about letting go of fear and focusing on the joy and blessings in my life. Not really much of a horoscope, but it is advice that makes sense. I know I’m still dealing with residual abandonment issues, but ya know what? It’s been 2 years since ex walked out on me, and I’m not only still standing, I’m standing taller than I was before he left. Why should I have fears about abandonment when it’s already happened, and I know I can, and will, survive?  

this whole week sucked...

I am finally feeling better today, but man was this week tough.

I'm coming up on the 2 year mark of when ex walked out on the kids and me, and it's triggering me a lot more than I expected it would. It's not even about him. Not really. It's not about missing ex, or caring about him, or wanting him in my life. I truly cannot picture that man as part of my life anymore.

No, this is about the feelings of being abandoned, of my children being walked out on by their own father, who couldn't see beyond his own selfishness to say goodbye and offer explanations or apologies before he went to work one day, and never came home again. It's about the WTF feelings - I mean really, who in the hell actually packs up their shit in secret, goes off the work after kissing his wife goodbye and telling her he loves her, all while planning to never come home again? It's just all so stereotypical and cliche that it can't help but make you go...WTF?, right?

Anyway, I finally released some of what I was feeling in words last night, and it made a big difference. Today was a better day.

what came first, the chicken or the egg?

I came across an interesting website today You Are Not Crazy and the name of it jumped out at me because after my ex had been gone from the house for a couple of months, I realized I was off the crazy-making train.  There was so many things in that relationship that were crazy-making and that I assumed responsibility or blame for, but after ex left, those issues were gone.  Sure, some of the still were and are my responsibility.  I'm the only one who can control myself, and I often didn't do such a great job of that.  But I was off the crazy-making train.  I wasn't being made to think I was crazy.  I think I was so relieved at being off that train, that I didn't look any further.  Of course, I was also dealing with a prolonged divorce, and all the shit that went with that.  Turns out, I wasn't completely off that crazy train yet.  But I did recognize the attempts to make it my fault for being the crazy one.  I just didn't fully understand what those attempts were.

So, I went to this website today because someone mentioned that it was about verbal abuse, and it's been a concern of mine that I had been verbally abusive towards ex during the marriage.  I'm quick with the sarcasm, and I can use words as weapons when I choose.  Regrettably, I chose too often in my marriage.  Anyway, I wanted to see what I could learn.

I didn't expect to see what I did.  I went, yet again assuming the blame for something in the relationship and looking for a way to correct that in myself, and instead saw sign after sign of having been in an abusive relationship, as the abused.  It was sobering, and more than a little sad.  Yet it was also freeing, to see it in writing that I hadn't been crazy, it wasn't just me.  Things really were not good in this marriage, and it wasn't all my fault.  In a way it was proof of just how much I had changed over the years, because of how ex acted towards me. 

Until the day I discovered ex had cheated on me, I never would have thought of him as someone who was an abuser.  I still don't think most of what he did was a deliberate act.  Rather, I think it was learned behavior and he simply didn't know any better.  Hell, I didn't know any better, until today.  Oh sure, I knew I had a cutting way with words, and I knew I used a certain tone of voice when I spoke with the ex during the last 5 years or so of the marriage.  Funny how that corresponds to the time frame that he admitted to cheating during.  But I wouldn't have ever considered either of us to be abusive.  Even after I caught him cheating, I thought we had communication issues.  Yeah, I suppose you could call verbal abuse a communication issue. <rme>

I talked this over a bit with my boyfriend, in the abstract. Actually, the question I first posed to him was "do you think two people can be in a relationship and not realize how destructive it is?"  and he replied back with something along the lines that dysfunction can cross the line into abuse, and that it can happen so slowly over a period of time that you don't notice it happening.  I think that describes my marriage pretty well.  Neither the ex nor I had appropriate skills for handling conflict so over the years, the dysfunction crossed the line into abuse. 

One really scary thing about all this is I suspect it crossed the line much earlier than I want to believe. 

had one of those moments today

ya know, one of those moments of clarity, when something from the past suddenly makes so much more sense, now that you have the proper context to put it in.

I really dislike that I got played for such a fool by the ex, but my moment of clarity also makes me suspect that at least some of ex's co-workers considered him the fool, instead. 

dealing with shame

I've come through the ex cheating on me and walking out on our children and me knowing it was not my fault and being able to hold my head up. I've told countless people the story, and while I've been emotional about it, I've never felt shame for it.

But recently I've hit a stage where I realized I'm ashamed that I picked who I did to be the father of my children. I'm ashamed that I married this man. I'm ashamed that I wasted 26 years of my life with him, and didn't, wouldn't see him for who he really is.

For now though, the shame I feel is manifesting in anger, and that's not a good thing. I feel as if I've taken a leap backwards in some ways, and I'm not liking that. I can offer myself a million reasons why I shouldn't be ashamed, but they all feel like excuses and justifications to me. 

I'm not sure what to do with this. I'm not big on the whole forgiveness
thing. I don't necessarily think it's something that has to be done.
Accept, yes. Forgive, not always. So is this something about myself I
just have to accept, or do I need to forgive myself for it? Certainly, I
need to learn from it. I'm not quite sure what the lesson is yet, but I
know there's at least one in there somewhere. There always is.

confronting the old me

or more like, running head first into reminders of a me I had forgotten I had been.

I think my sister was the first one to point how how different I had become in my marriage, compared to the young woman I had been before I met my ex, and in the early stages of that relationship. Funny how a simple question about what happened to the young woman who always used to dress fashionably and wear cute shoes can sum up so much. It wasn't just that how I dressed changed, it was that the parts of my personality I expressed that way went into hiding.

It's probably not a big surprise that after talking to my sister about that, one of the first things I did was go shoe shopping. :)

Yesterday I started clearing out some of the accumulation of dross, the leftovers of my marriage that I get to deal with since I got the house, with all the remaining contents. I went with the easier stuff, the boxes of old papers, statements, receipts. Crap I knew I could dispose of without any issues.

In one of the boxes I went digging through, I came across several cards and a letter I had written to ex a great many years ago. Seeing the old me, on paper and in writing no less, was a bit unsettling. On the one hand, who really wants to see the embarrassing drivel one writes as a naive teenager? But what got to me was seeing the evidence that I really had been a different person before I met ex, and for a wide assortment of reasons, conformed over the relationship to what I thought his expectations of me were. Obviously I started that process fairly early in the relationship, too, because I didn't remember being the girl whose personality shines through in the letter, despite the drivel.

The contrast between that young woman, and the woman I became in my marriage, is what was unsettling. It highlights how much I was willing to change, in order to feel lovable, and loved.

But the similarities to who I feel I am now were also glaringly obvious, and I find that incredibly reassuring. I'm back to being the me I was supposed to be. Only now I'm loved for who I am. What an amazing feeling that is. :D

want vs need

This came up for discussion on an online forum I post on, and I've been pondering it ever since. At first I thought about it only in the context of the relationship I have with SO. But invariably that led to thoughts of how different this relationship is compared to my marriage and well, there you have it. I've been thinking about the want vs need dynamic in my marriage. So even though I was only going to go forward with this blog, I think for tonight I'll be looking at the past, because I want to learn from that so that my present and future are better.

Hindsight is so wonderful, in its 20/20 perfection.

When I met my ex, I was needy. At the time, I didn't think I was, but looking back, oh baby, was I ever. Some of it was the neediness  and immaturity of youth, but a great deal more of it was the neediness that came from issues in my family of origin. I unwittingly was looking for a rescuer, and found that in my ex. He was needy as well. Again, some of it because of youth, but I think now a lot more of was because of issues in his family of origin. If you were to ask him though, I doubt he'd see it, even now looking back.

But there we were, me needing to be rescued from my dysfunctional family and ex needing the attention that he hadn't gotten from his parents growing up. That dynamic worked well for us for years, because I gave ex the attention he wanted, when he wanted it because he was my knight in shining armor who rescued me.

Somewhere along the way things changed. We got married and had children. I didn't have as much time to give ex the attention he needed, when he needed it. I also started to realize that I didn't need him to rescue me, I could learn to do that by myself. Now, I didn't just wake up one morning and know I didn't need him. It was a very gradual process, made in part because ex withdrew from me and our family as he became more discontent. I grew stronger because he wasn't there to be my rescuer. I stopped needing him.

That was really good for me, but I think it's what doomed my marriage. Ex equated need with want and assumed because I didn't need him, I didn't want him. And honestly, I didn't do such a good job of letting him know I wanted him as a husband. I thought I had plenty of time for that, when the kids were older. I was wrong.

So now I know that I don't need anyone to rescue me. I still have the tendency to want to have that knight in shining armor come to my rescue, so I really have to watch that. But even with that, I know that I do not need to have my SO in my life. I know that I can have a perfectly good life without him. However, I want to have SO in my life. And I will make sure he knows that, and how much I enjoy and appreciate that he is in my life. It's a lesson that was well learned.