Thanksgiving

I have so much to be thankful for. Sometimes it's so much easier to dwell on the bad stuff, but today driving home from work I got to think about the wonderful weekend I just had, and how good life is.

Sometimes, it's the little things, like quarters, a clean windshield, and a diet Coke, that let us know how much we're loved. But other times, it's the bigger things, like booking a flight for Thanksgiving weekend with only a few weeks notice, and meeting family members for the first time during a holiday, that show us how very important we are to someone else.

I realized today driving home that I had let myself get back into "waiting for the other shoe to drop" mode. Probably because, and no great surprise here, there's people out there still wanting to drop shoes on my head. But ya know, there's nothing I can do about that. Except of course, hope that the shoes that drop are a pair of rockin' black leather bitch boots. Because I could always use a pair of those. :p

Thanksgiving, then and now

4 years ago, Thanksgiving 2007, if I had only known what to look for, the red flags were flying all over the place.

In September 2007, we had gone out of state to the memorial service for now-ex's grandmother. After the service the conversation became about how we (extended family) had only been getting together for funerals, or so it seemed. Ex's aunt commented about how it would be nice to get together for a holiday, instead. Ex said he really did want to visit her, and see the property she had bought. So I made the suggestion that maybe we could come for a visit for that Thanksgiving. Ex really seemed to like that idea, so I went one step farther and volunteered to do the cooking, at his aunt's house.

2 months later, we're making this trip, and it seems like a major inconvenience to ex. He didn't help me get ready for the trip (I was packing up not only food, but small kitchen appliances to bring). He didn't even seem like he wanted to go, and all I wanted was a little help, and some appreciation for doing this for him.

We ended up sniping at each other for most of the trip. Somehow, it seemed to be my fault, too.

I didn't find out about him cheating until Sept 2008. But armed with plenty of knowledge from SI, and hindsight, it's obvious some stage of his affair had started by then, and ex was resenting me for having to spend the holiday with his family. 

Anyway, it's 4 years later. I don't know what the hell ex will be doing for Thanksgiving, and I don't really care. I do think he will be somewhere really missing my cooking, though.lol Otoh, I will be enjoying a wonderful Thanksgiving feast with my kids, my mom, and my boyfriend (who, btw, has already told me to put him to work in the kitchen tomorrow).

It's such a contrast. I usually try not to compare. Probably not too successfully, but I do try. Anyway, I'm sitting at work today, bored, with way too much time to think. I kind of wondered why Thanksgiving isn't a trigger for me, given what I know now. But I've decided that it doesn't matter.

What does matter is that I'm thankful for what I have, the people in my life, and for how far I've come in the past 4 years.

Life is good. :)  Happy Thanksgiving!

oh...I bought a car!

See, it's been so hectic I forgot I hadn't mentioned that already. I bought a car! The first car I've bought on my own in over 25 years. I got a decent price, and I was able to get an even better interest rate than I expected. Odd as it sounds, I feel like an incredibly competent adult for being able to handle this all on my own. :D

it's been...

hectic is the word ds used to describe it, and he'd be correct. there was a lot going on - getting the insurance check, buying a car, picking up the car, dropping off the rental, all on top of the usual life stuff like work, grocery shopping, school for the kids, and so on.

We (the kids & I) are all introverted to varying degrees, so we like our down time at home. Dealing with the car stuff impinged on that.

But on the silver lining side, it's been taken care of and I have a new to me car sitting in the driveway. Today I can sit back and take some time to enjoy just being at home. :)

what a contrast

My boyfriend came for a visit this weekend. We had planned the visit before I was in the wreck, but the timing couldn't have been better. He needed to see for himself that I really was okay, and I needed some relief from the stress of dealing with all the insurance/car shopping stuff.

I know I should try harder to not compare my boyfriend and ex. But sometimes it's just so glaringly different and better with my boyfriend that it's hard to not draw some comparisons.

Prior to this wreck, the last wreck I was in happened about 17 years ago or so. I was in a Mustang, and got rear-ended by a pickup truck. It wasn't a high-speed impact, and there wasn't much damage done to my car at all. But I was pregnant with my younger son.

I was able to drive home, shaken and more than a little scared for my baby. I came into the house, told then-husband, and his first reaction was to go outside and look at the car.

Flash forward to now. The wreck I was in recently was more serious. I had minor injuries, and my van totaled. But neither was I pregnant this time, nor were my kids in the vehicle. I was not seriously injured The accident could have been a lot worse than it was. I was lucky.

Now, instead of a husband who checks on vehicles first, before making sure his pregnant wife and unborn child are okay, I have this incredibly sweet, wonderful man who flew to visit me for a weekend, who needed to make sure I was okay, and who wanted to pamper me. He looked at the scrapes and cut on my head within seconds of seeing me at the airport. He wanted to look at each and every bruise, so he could see that they were healing and fading already. He made sure I had plenty to eat, ran errands with me, and even came to the eye doctor with me just to sit around waiting for a couple of hours.

Before he left today, I tried to tell my boyfriend how much it meant to me, and why it did, although without going into the exact details of why. To feel the love and level of caring from him truly does feel like such a wonderful gift.

it is a contrast... 

facing down, well, not exactly a trigger

My van got totaled in the wreck I was in Thursday morning. So now I have to buy a vehicle, on my own, all by myself. The last, and only, time I did that was 26 years ago, when I was 21. I found a really cute little Mustang 4 cylinder, 4 speed. I was so pleased with myself. I thought I had done a good job negotiating the price, and more importantly, the car was just me, kwim? Hey, give me a break. I was a 21 year old girl. Looking good in the car was important. :laugh:

My mom took me to pick it up, and when I was just about home (I still lived at home with my mom), my exH who was my boyfriend at the time, drove past me. He turned around and followed me home. And with the first words out of his mouth, he sucked the joy of buying my very own first car away from me.

It quickly turned into all about him. Why didn't I ask him about it? Why didn't I have him go and check out the engine before I bought it? etc, etc. He looked it over, and finally deemed it okay. But by then the damage was done. The joy from having done this myself was gone, the doubt in myself had begun, and the need for now-ex's approval grew stronger.

The next time I bought a car, ex was my fiance, so it seemed natural that we'd do this together. Except, I pretty much let him pick out the car I was buying. Oh, I decided what type of car I was getting (another Mustang, this one with a V-8 5 speed), and I had veto power, but I let him decide the trim package, and even the color. Because he knew so much more about cars than I did. Because I thought it meant I was special, that he wanted me to have a car he thought I looked good in. Because he loved me, and wanted me to have a nice car. Truth be told, he did a good job. I loved that car, until ex wrecked it a year later. But that's another story.

Eventually, along came the van that was just wrecked. By the time we got that, we had been married for years, had a couple of kids, and had to get a vehicle to replace one totaled in a wreck. I needed a kid hauler, but didn't particularly want a van. I wanted an SUV, but I didn't want the price tag that goes with SUVs. I also didn't want to go car shopping with now-ex, with 2 small kids in tow, so I backed off completely. Let ex handle everything. Again, he did a good job, and got the vehicle we needed at the time, at a price we could afford.

I abdicated my responsibility, my choices, my decisions, so easily. I let my husband handle it all because "he was so much better at all of this than I am."

That's the lesson I learned, so many years ago, when I bought my first car. That my decision making when it comes to buying vehicles cannot be trusted.

And now all these years later, I have to buy a vehicle all by myself. Granted, I'm not even close to the same person that I was at 21. But the...fear...in me is that it will be pointed out to me that I screwed up, or could have screwed up, that I chose wrong, and that any joy I have in whatever vehicle I end up getting will once again be sucked away.

What a horrible legacy to have from the purchase of one's very first own car...

sometimes shit just happens

I read a lot on SI about karma, but typically only when bad things happen to the cheaters. I get it. It's not only amusing but it also can be cathartic to see that the cheaters' lives aren't all sunshine and daffodils after the destruction they caused in the betrayed one's lives.

But sometimes shit just happens. It's how we deal with it when it does happen that is more about our "karma" I think.

Today I was in a car accident. A teen driver, in a heavy duty crew cab pickup truck failed to yield when turning left, and ran into me. Hit me in the driver's side front tire. I was lucky. I drive (drove) an Astrovan so it's not like I was in some small car. I did hit my head, I've got several cuts from broken glass and the soreness and stiffness are settling in, despite the ibuprofen I've been taking all day. My van, being 11 years old, is most likely totaled. Yet, I still think I'm lucky. I'm grateful that it wasn't worse than it was. And it could have been. The speed of the oncoming vehicle could have been much higher. The driver in the lane next to me could have become collateral damage, but somehow managed to avoid being hit herself.  Life threw me another bad curve ball, but I'm okay. I will continue to be okay.

3 years and a couple of months ago, and for much of my adult life, I wouldn't have had the same attitude. I probably would have been a bitch about it, and complained about how the world was out to get me, and worn my victim-hood like a shroud.

Sometimes shit just happens. How we react to it is what makes us who we are. I'm really glad I'm no longer the same person I was, 3 years ago.