anger

Just when I think it's gone for good, it's back. I'm so, so tired of this damned roller coaster of emotions. I guess it's progress, though, because now I'm maddest at myself. Probably not for the best reasons, but it is what it is.

I'm mad at myself for seeing what I wanted to see, believing what I wanted to believe, and for allowing that to put me in the situation I got in. I'm mad at myself because once again, it feels like I'm accepting responsibility and blame for something that was done to me. I'm mad at myself because life is particularly stressful right now, and I'm not coping with the stress as well as I think I ought to. I'm mad at myself because I keep thinking I'm making excuses for myself.

I thought I'd worked through all this. It sucks to find out that I haven't.

I read once, somewhere, that depression is anger turned inwards. I dunno, maybe there's something to that, and when I thought I was done being angry, all I had really done was turn it inward, gotten depressed, and didn't have the energy it took to get angry. If that's the case, then the anger is erupting again. If it's not the case, then the anger is erupting again. Either way, it's not healthy.

So, here I am, 'talking' myself out of being angry...okay, so  it's more like an argument I'm having with myself that's not making it from my head to the keyboard. But I'm aware of it. I've acknowledged it. And now I can start working on it constructively.

Go me! :-\