next reading assignment

This is one of those books that I heard of a while ago, and knew I should read it, but didn't want to because I knew I'd see my marriage mapped out. I'm finally at the point I can read it without curling into a ball and sobbing...no, really, I've been past that point. I just hadn't gotten around to ordering the book until now.

Anyway, next up on the work on me book list is he's just not that into you. Yep, the book that became the movie. Yep, the book about how to tell when a guy just isn't into you. Like I said, for the longest time I was afraid to read it, because I really didn't want to learn just how much my now-ex wasn't into me. After all, I did finally get some clues when I caught him cheating. Okay, so the clues were kinda big, like 2x4 big. But I did finally catch on. Did I really need it spelled out in black and white?

At that point, well no, I didn't. But I really do wish this book had been around decades ago, and I had read it another lifetime ago. One of the key points in chapter 2 that really stood out for me:

If he creates expectations for you, and then doesn't follow through on little things, he will do the same for big things. Be aware of this and realize he's okay with disappointing you.

Wow! Just wow! Definitely hit this point before I got engaged to ex, and quite probably it was a part of the entire relationship.

Okay, onward and upward. I get the feeling there's going to be the big neon "he wasn't that into you" sign in each and every chapter of this book. Seriously, how in the hell did I ever manage to get married to this guy?

it really was me, and not him

No, I don't mean about the cheating. That's all on the ex. And I've already owned my shit when it comes to the issues in the marriage. Most definitely some of them were my fault, and I'm working on changing those behaviors in myself.

What I'm talking about is the direction my life went, during the marriage. The things I did, or didn't do, for whatever reason. It's easy to think and say now, that the ex was the one holding me back. Especially when I see all the changes I've made, and how strong I've had to be, since he left. But no, it was me. I held myself back. Usually, it was out of fear. Fear of change, fear of the unknown, fear of getting out of my comfort zone.

It was also lack of confidence in myself. And a pessimistic, cynical attitude. I didn't realize how much my negativity affected me.

Did the ex play a role in it? Sure, because he was the other part of the marriage dynamic - the dysfunctional marriage dynamic. But I'm the one who, for the most part, chose to stay on the safe path, who chose to wait "until later" to have the life I wanted, to go back to school, take the vacations I wanted, etc, etc, and so forth. Yep, I'm the one who chose to put the real me, the authentic me, up there in the far corner of the top shelf in the closet, to collect dust.

Ultimately it has to come down to me. Yes, there are circumstances that have an major impact on the choices we make in life. And yes, we can't always do what we want, when we want.  But that doesn't mean we should stop being who we really are meant to be.

Just another one of those not fun to learn but invaluable life lessons I've learned in the past few years...

what a day, and it's only noon...

here I am procrastinating again, after having a somewhat productive start to my day.

I tackled the attic today. Nope, didn't get anything done up there, but I actually made it into the attic, for the first time since Jan 2010. It wasn't as bad as I expected. Oh, don't get me wrong. It's bad, just not in the way I expected. There's a lot of junk up there that needs to be cleaned out, but stuff that's supposed to be up there still is. But at least the demon has been faced, and I know what I need to do. It's probably not going to happen any time soon. It's getting a bit warm already to be cleaning out the attic, plus it looks like I'll need to get a small dumpster or call 1-800- Got-Junk to haul all the crap away. I'm officially declaring this a project for the fall.

I also started tackling some much needed yard work, and ended up talking to my neighbor about the fence between our houses. He's offered to replace it, and told me they'd cover the cost and do the work. While I really appreciate it, there's a part of me that is freaking out over it. I'm still struggling with accepting help. It makes me anxious when I think I should be able to handle something, even when it's obvious I can't. It bothers me that I can't pay my share, even though he's not asking for it. I'm not even exactly sure what I'm feeling, but after I talked to my neighbor, I had to come in the house because I was ready to sob.

I think it may boil down to feeling a sense of inadequacy and incompetence. Definitely need to do some work on these issues.

On the plus side, I did get my basil plant re-potted, so it should be happier now. I got some stuff done in the yard, and even better, I got the name of my neighbor's yard guy.

Okay, maybe after some lunch I can get back to being productive.

wow, pretty cool!

I don't typically log into blogger to post. I use an add-on in firefox to manage my blogs instead. So it was a bit of a surprise to see that I can check the stats for the blog now. And hey, as it turns out, occasionally people actually are reading here. That's pretty cool.

I've never really written for an audience. It really is all about me, just blurting out whatever I've needed to blurt out at the time.. And seriously, it's not like people are speeding over the interwebz to read whatever profound thing (:p) it is I've written. But still, it is nice to know that sometimes, other people do read this blog. Thank you! :)
 

I said the magic words

yep, told my teenagers that we needed to catch up on household chores this weekend, and ta-da, like magic, the boys disappeared.

I'm getting a bit resentful here. I realize that they're used to me having been home all of their lives, but they are old enough to know that things change, and with mom working now, things have to change. I'm tired of cleaning up their messes, especially in the kitchen. I'm tired of having to clear the counter and wash the pots and pans I need first, if I want to fix myself a meal.

I know this is one area their dad and I failed at, in parenting. The boys learned the ignore and hide act they do so well from their dad. But I enabled that, by not insisting the boys do their chores on a consistent basis. I'm a great one for thinking it's just easier to do myself than start a battle. Which is now biting me in the ass.

Of course, that only makes my frustration and resentment grow. And it's not getting my kitchen clean, either. <sigh>

flattered, or icked out?

went to a college open house/tour day with my two teenage sons, and while I was walking around the campus with them, I got checked out by a group of 5 college boys. As in, boys not much older than my 19 year old. (see, potential ick right there :P)

Now, if I had been with teenage girls, I'd get that it wasn't me these boys were looking at. But there were no teenage girls around, and this was more than obvious. I saw all of their heads turn towards me at the same time. Seeing as they had been behind us as I went up a flight of stairs, then they walked on another path that got them ahead of us before I saw them look, I would surmise there had been some discussion.

Really not sure about being flattered or icked out at this point...

Honestly, all I could think at the time was I sure hope my sons are as oblivious to this as they seem to be.

onto the next...

book, that is. I've finished the Brene Brown books, finally. Excellent reads, both of them, although a bit difficult for me to process at times. Not the content of the books, but how it applies directly to me. Had some moments of "I don't want to deal with this" which of course means there's something there for me to deal with and I wanted to run from it. But also had plenty of "hey, I'm already on this path" moments as well, which shows me my hard work over the past few years is paying off.

So, in the interest of continuing to have the hard work pay off, at the recommendation of my boyfriend, I am now reading No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover. My boyfriend and I are determined to have a healthy relationship, and to nurture it, and ourselves. He read this book as part of his hard work of putting his life back together after his marriage blew up, and he thought I would gain some insight from reading it. So I am.

It's a remarkably easy read. I wasn't sure what to expect before I started it, but there's a lot of good insight in the book. Some of it, such as about issues that can manifest from childhood abandonment, and what constitutes abandonment issues, is relevant for males and females alike. But the book really is for men, and about men. It's also good for women who love and are in a relationship with a former "Nice Guy."

It's interesting, and reassuring, to see how my boyfriend's and my journeys of healing have lead us towards the same direction - being our genuine selves and leading authentic lives.