pushing through the paralyzing fear

I have to make myself do this, somehow. I'm not exactly sure how, but I have to do it. Otherwise I'm stuck in this limbo of sorts that seems to have no end.

The fear is of the unknown. So much of what lies before me is completely unknown - what will my life be like, how will I get a job after being a sahm for nearly 20 years, how will I pay the bills, will the stress ever go away? All these questions, and so very many more, race through my head daily. The weight of them is paralyzing, and instead of working to find answers, the fear makes me retreat.

I know this is not good for me, and yet I can't seem to break completely free of the paralysis. I have times when I get something accomplished towards my goal of rebuilding my life, that I'm making forward motion. But then a wave of fear hits me, usually accompanied by yet another stressful event, and I suddenly feel like I've taken several giant leaps backwards.

Each time I feel I go backwards it's harder to find the inner strength to pull myself forward again. Again, it's the fear that paralyzes me. I know I have the strength in me to do this. I have to make myself push through the fear first. Just as soon as I figure out how to....

better day today

I pulled out of the funk I was in over the weekend, at least enough to get some stuff done today. So now I don't feel like a total slug anymore.

how'd I get to be so lucky?

Today was one of those days. Not a good day, mostly. Crap from having to
get a divorce and having to be a single mom. Okay, it was a curl up in
bed, stay in pj's and cry kind of day. That's how much of a not a good
day it was.

But despite of all that, it wasn't all bad. While my
kids went off with their dad this afternoon, I was chatting with my SO.
What started out as our quick, let's catch up chat turned into a
marathon, all day and again at night chat because I was having such a
not good day. Because SO knew that I needed to not be alone, so he
stayed with me all day, the only way he could. It's a LDR, btw.

I honestly don't know what I did to deserve this man. It's kinda funny,
because he says the same thing about me sometimes. But today, and days
like today, are why I know just how damned lucky I am that this man is
in my life, this kind, caring wonderful man, and that he loves me and
worries about me.

I'm so glad I fell in love with this man. *big goofy grin*

may be getting some financial aid for school

I really hope so because it means I'll be able to take classes full time both semesters next year. If I can that will bring me all the more closer to my dreams of being gainfully employed and financially stable. Plus, it will free up some of my support money so I can hopefully pay down my debt some, and maybe do a little more traveling.

In other baby step news, I now have a savings account. Okay, so I opened it with only $25 but the online banking site I'm using automatically transfers money from my checking account into the savings. Right now it's a small amount that will be transferred every 2 weeks but I figure it's better than nothing.

The thing that I really like about the site I'm using for this savings account, SmartyPig, is that you can set up specific savings goals for a certain amount of time. So if you want to save for a trip, and Christmas shopping, and home repairs, you can set those all as goals, with specific dollar amounts and time frames to each goal. Then you can see the progress you're making towards each goal.

So I'll see how it goes and if it works out the way it's supposed to I'll set up new goals as I can afford to.