this is it

I'm really heading back into the world of working for a paycheck.  I had an interview last week, and they called me with an offer today.  Obviously, I've accepted. :D 

It's been almost 19 years to the day since I last had a paying job outside the home.  I've been so incredibly fortunate to have been able to spend so many years at home with my kids.  But now it's time for things to change.  As necessary as this one is though, it is a good change.  It's a change I wanted to make, and one that I not only had a say in, but I got to steer the ship in this direction. 

It's still a huge change, exciting but nerve-wracking, which is why I'm still awake when I should be sleeping, seeing as I now have to get up at o'dark thirty four days a week, starting tomorrow. Eek! 

what came first, the chicken or the egg?

I came across an interesting website today You Are Not Crazy and the name of it jumped out at me because after my ex had been gone from the house for a couple of months, I realized I was off the crazy-making train.  There was so many things in that relationship that were crazy-making and that I assumed responsibility or blame for, but after ex left, those issues were gone.  Sure, some of the still were and are my responsibility.  I'm the only one who can control myself, and I often didn't do such a great job of that.  But I was off the crazy-making train.  I wasn't being made to think I was crazy.  I think I was so relieved at being off that train, that I didn't look any further.  Of course, I was also dealing with a prolonged divorce, and all the shit that went with that.  Turns out, I wasn't completely off that crazy train yet.  But I did recognize the attempts to make it my fault for being the crazy one.  I just didn't fully understand what those attempts were.

So, I went to this website today because someone mentioned that it was about verbal abuse, and it's been a concern of mine that I had been verbally abusive towards ex during the marriage.  I'm quick with the sarcasm, and I can use words as weapons when I choose.  Regrettably, I chose too often in my marriage.  Anyway, I wanted to see what I could learn.

I didn't expect to see what I did.  I went, yet again assuming the blame for something in the relationship and looking for a way to correct that in myself, and instead saw sign after sign of having been in an abusive relationship, as the abused.  It was sobering, and more than a little sad.  Yet it was also freeing, to see it in writing that I hadn't been crazy, it wasn't just me.  Things really were not good in this marriage, and it wasn't all my fault.  In a way it was proof of just how much I had changed over the years, because of how ex acted towards me. 

Until the day I discovered ex had cheated on me, I never would have thought of him as someone who was an abuser.  I still don't think most of what he did was a deliberate act.  Rather, I think it was learned behavior and he simply didn't know any better.  Hell, I didn't know any better, until today.  Oh sure, I knew I had a cutting way with words, and I knew I used a certain tone of voice when I spoke with the ex during the last 5 years or so of the marriage.  Funny how that corresponds to the time frame that he admitted to cheating during.  But I wouldn't have ever considered either of us to be abusive.  Even after I caught him cheating, I thought we had communication issues.  Yeah, I suppose you could call verbal abuse a communication issue. <rme>

I talked this over a bit with my boyfriend, in the abstract. Actually, the question I first posed to him was "do you think two people can be in a relationship and not realize how destructive it is?"  and he replied back with something along the lines that dysfunction can cross the line into abuse, and that it can happen so slowly over a period of time that you don't notice it happening.  I think that describes my marriage pretty well.  Neither the ex nor I had appropriate skills for handling conflict so over the years, the dysfunction crossed the line into abuse. 

One really scary thing about all this is I suspect it crossed the line much earlier than I want to believe. 

introspection pays off

I got a 100 on my paper. Granted, I suspect the grading standards aren't necessarily as high as they should be, but hey, I'm not complaining. I don't have any problems taking the 100. lol

Even better than the grade was the comment my professor made. She said something along the lines that I was an exceptional woman with a lot of strength. I tend not to view myself as exceptional, but it is very nice to be recognized for how strong I've had to be, in this life so far. 

okay, introspective paper is done

I may tweak it a little before I turn it in, but my term paper is done. Hopefully it's introspective enough for my professor. If it's not, oh well, such is life.

wow, I got there in my head

I have this tendency to over-think things. I also have conversations in my head as a way to prepare me for situations I might find myself in. I'd rather know what I was going to say ahead of time, than be put on the spot, kwim?

Just nod and say yes, even if you don't. It'll make me feel like I'm less nuts than I really am. <laugh>

Anyway, I'll be going with my boyfriend to his company's huge annual event next month, and since I want to make a good impression, etc, etc, I've been spending a lot of time thinking about it and having conversations in my head. Including the one where I possibly have to explain meeting my boyfriend while I was in the process of getting a divorce.

I realized, for the first time in these pretend conversations I have, that I was able to describe the end of my marriage without anger or pain. True, I was using some of the more trite phrases like "we just wanted different things from the marriage" and was picturing me rolling my eyes as I said it, but still, it's a far way from what I used to say, in my head. A definite improvement, I'd have to say.

being introspective

I have to write a paper for one of my classes. It's supposed to be an honest, introspective look at myself, answering three questions  - who am I, where have I been, and where am I going?

It's actually going to be a fairly easy paper to write. I was able to do most of the rough draft in less than an hour. Of course, I have the advantage of having examined most of my life in minute detail over the past 2 1/2 years. So really, all it comes down to now is deciding what to include and what to leave out.

How much am I willing to share?

backtracking, sort of

I got Brene Brown's other book, I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't), yesterday and decided to read it first, before I continue reading The Gifts of Imperfection, since she wrote it first. So far it's a tougher read, in terms of recognizing things in myself that she's writing about that are tough to see in oneself.

It's all part of my journey of self discovery though, so it's all good.

I Am Enough

It started when a friend shared a link to this:


There was something about this video, this speaker, this subject, that made me stop and think. I've been on this journey to rediscover and recreate myself, and hearing what Brene Brown has to say on this TED talk made me think about myself, and my journey.

So I wanted to learn more about what this woman had to say. I "liked" her on facebook, I follow her blog, Ordinary Courage. When I saw she had a new PBS special I had to watch it. And then of course, I had to get the book the show was based on. So now I'm reading The Gifts of Imperfection. I just started it last night, but so far it's an excellent read. 

Let me leave you with a quote from the beginning of the introduction of the book, Wholehearted Living.

Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough. It's going to bed at night thinking, Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn't change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging.

I am enough. Aren't you, too?

lifestyle change seems to be working

I'm eating more protein, and losing weight without really trying. Woohoo!

Several of my friends, including my boyfriend, are getting into the paleo diet lifestyle.  That's a bit extreme for me, but that's more about me not wanting to give up certain foods than it is about whether following a paleo diet works or not.  Certainly, there are things about the diet that make sense, a whole lot of sense.  Eating more protein is one of those things.

I've known for a long time that not eating enough protein makes me crave the carbs more.  I suppose it's really that not eating enough protein means I eat more carbs, and the more carbs I eat, the more I want.  When I fill up with protein, I don't eat nearly as much carbs.

I'm really talking about the white sugar/white flour kind of carbs. The box or 5 of Girl Scout cookies.  The bag of Hershey's kisses that's gone before I know it.  The macaroni and cheese that's great comfort food. The staples of PMS.  Yeah, I'm sure you get the picture.

A while ago, at my boyfriend's recommendation, I picked up a book called Why We Get Fat by Gary Taubes.  It's not a diet book, per se, but there is a basic diet plan included.  This is what I've been following for the past few weeks.  I haven't stuck to it rigorously.  But I have made sure I'm eating a lot more protein daily than I used to, and it's making a difference.  The numbers on the scale are dropping.  :D

adjusting to a new normal, again

Sometimes you don't realize how truly spoiled you are by something, until that something is no longer there.

Being in a long distance relationship, I've been so fortunate to be able to have daily, almost unlimited chat/IM contact with my boyfriend. I've been at home, taking online classes and he's worked from home for a while now. We usually check in with one another at least once a day, in addition to our usual hours long evening chat.

All that's changing. My boyfriend will be traveling weekly to a client site. He's going to be more than a bit busy there for a while. I'm thrilled for him for the opportunity, but I'm really going to miss being able to chat with him whenever I feel like it. All about me much, huh?

Yeah, I know. There are more ways than chat to stay in touch. We've talked about it. If you hadn't noticed, we're pretty big on the communication, the two of us. lol  So there's a plan. We will find ways to have at least some daily contact, although we both realize there simply won't be the time for as much contact as we're used to. We just have to adjust to a new normal, again.