I came across an interesting website today You Are Not Crazy and the name of it jumped out at me because after my ex had been gone from the house for a couple of months, I realized I was off the crazy-making train. There was so many things in that relationship that were crazy-making and that I assumed responsibility or blame for, but after ex left, those issues were gone. Sure, some of the still were and are my responsibility. I'm the only one who can control myself, and I often didn't do such a great job of that. But I was off the crazy-making train. I wasn't being made to think I was crazy. I think I was so relieved at being off that train, that I didn't look any further. Of course, I was also dealing with a prolonged divorce, and all the shit that went with that. Turns out, I wasn't completely off that crazy train yet. But I did recognize the attempts to make it my fault for being the crazy one. I just didn't fully understand what those attempts were.
So, I went to this website today because someone mentioned that it was about verbal abuse, and it's been a concern of mine that I had been verbally abusive towards ex during the marriage. I'm quick with the sarcasm, and I can use words as weapons when I choose. Regrettably, I chose too often in my marriage. Anyway, I wanted to see what I could learn.
I didn't expect to see what I did. I went, yet again assuming the blame for something in the relationship and looking for a way to correct that in myself, and instead saw sign after sign of having been in an abusive relationship, as the abused. It was sobering, and more than a little sad. Yet it was also freeing, to see it in writing that I hadn't been crazy, it wasn't just me. Things really were not good in this marriage, and it wasn't all my fault. In a way it was proof of just how much I had changed over the years, because of how ex acted towards me.
Until the day I discovered ex had cheated on me, I never would have thought of him as someone who was an abuser. I still don't think most of what he did was a deliberate act. Rather, I think it was learned behavior and he simply didn't know any better. Hell, I didn't know any better, until today. Oh sure, I knew I had a cutting way with words, and I knew I used a certain tone of voice when I spoke with the ex during the last 5 years or so of the marriage. Funny how that corresponds to the time frame that he admitted to cheating during. But I wouldn't have ever considered either of us to be abusive. Even after I caught him cheating, I thought we had communication issues. Yeah, I suppose you could call verbal abuse a communication issue. <rme>
I talked this over a bit with my boyfriend, in the abstract. Actually, the question I first posed to him was "do you think two people can be in a relationship and not realize how destructive it is?" and he replied back with something along the lines that dysfunction can cross the line into abuse, and that it can happen so slowly over a period of time that you don't notice it happening. I think that describes my marriage pretty well. Neither the ex nor I had appropriate skills for handling conflict so over the years, the dysfunction crossed the line into abuse.
One really scary thing about all this is I suspect it crossed the line much earlier than I want to believe.
So, I went to this website today because someone mentioned that it was about verbal abuse, and it's been a concern of mine that I had been verbally abusive towards ex during the marriage. I'm quick with the sarcasm, and I can use words as weapons when I choose. Regrettably, I chose too often in my marriage. Anyway, I wanted to see what I could learn.
I didn't expect to see what I did. I went, yet again assuming the blame for something in the relationship and looking for a way to correct that in myself, and instead saw sign after sign of having been in an abusive relationship, as the abused. It was sobering, and more than a little sad. Yet it was also freeing, to see it in writing that I hadn't been crazy, it wasn't just me. Things really were not good in this marriage, and it wasn't all my fault. In a way it was proof of just how much I had changed over the years, because of how ex acted towards me.
Until the day I discovered ex had cheated on me, I never would have thought of him as someone who was an abuser. I still don't think most of what he did was a deliberate act. Rather, I think it was learned behavior and he simply didn't know any better. Hell, I didn't know any better, until today. Oh sure, I knew I had a cutting way with words, and I knew I used a certain tone of voice when I spoke with the ex during the last 5 years or so of the marriage. Funny how that corresponds to the time frame that he admitted to cheating during. But I wouldn't have ever considered either of us to be abusive. Even after I caught him cheating, I thought we had communication issues. Yeah, I suppose you could call verbal abuse a communication issue. <rme>
I talked this over a bit with my boyfriend, in the abstract. Actually, the question I first posed to him was "do you think two people can be in a relationship and not realize how destructive it is?" and he replied back with something along the lines that dysfunction can cross the line into abuse, and that it can happen so slowly over a period of time that you don't notice it happening. I think that describes my marriage pretty well. Neither the ex nor I had appropriate skills for handling conflict so over the years, the dysfunction crossed the line into abuse.
One really scary thing about all this is I suspect it crossed the line much earlier than I want to believe.
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