and woman with a hacksaw wins...

that's one more diy home repair job I can put on my "Done" list. I made brownies, ya know to celebrate my victory over plumbing. :D

another piece of the puzzle

As I was drifting off to sleep last night, a stray, random thought popped into my head, and I went "a ha, now that makes more sense." When I woke up this morning, I had no idea what that thought was, or what it was I finally connected together so it made more sense. I know it was something about ex cheating, leaving, or how he viewed the marriage, but I don't remember whatever it was.

Oh well, guess that just goes to show how irrelevant the remaining pieces of the puzzle have become. Sure, it's nice when it happens, and I get that moment of clarity about something that previously hadn't quite made sense. But I don't care if this puzzle never gets finished. It no longer matters.

ps. the good news

still waiting to find out the details, but got the good news yesterday I (we) were hoping for. now just waiting on the details so I can make some travel plans, or rather, have travel plans made for me, and then I can look forward to a wonderful weekend away with my sweetie. :)

anger

Just when I think it's gone for good, it's back. I'm so, so tired of this damned roller coaster of emotions. I guess it's progress, though, because now I'm maddest at myself. Probably not for the best reasons, but it is what it is.

I'm mad at myself for seeing what I wanted to see, believing what I wanted to believe, and for allowing that to put me in the situation I got in. I'm mad at myself because once again, it feels like I'm accepting responsibility and blame for something that was done to me. I'm mad at myself because life is particularly stressful right now, and I'm not coping with the stress as well as I think I ought to. I'm mad at myself because I keep thinking I'm making excuses for myself.

I thought I'd worked through all this. It sucks to find out that I haven't.

I read once, somewhere, that depression is anger turned inwards. I dunno, maybe there's something to that, and when I thought I was done being angry, all I had really done was turn it inward, gotten depressed, and didn't have the energy it took to get angry. If that's the case, then the anger is erupting again. If it's not the case, then the anger is erupting again. Either way, it's not healthy.

So, here I am, 'talking' myself out of being angry...okay, so  it's more like an argument I'm having with myself that's not making it from my head to the keyboard. But I'm aware of it. I've acknowledged it. And now I can start working on it constructively.

Go me! :-\

woman vs toilet

and I'm pretty sure woman wins! I won't know for sure until I can figure out a way to get the corroded and stuck on nut and bolt from the old handle off so I can put the new handle on, but I'm reasonably sure that I replaced the innards of my toilet tank and fixed the drip. Okay, except for the handle, I know I replaced the parts. I just haven't been able to test for drips, yet.

I need to stop at Home Depot on the way home from work tomorrow and pick up something to get the bolt off. I'm thinking hacksaw. :D

All-in-all, not a bad weekend. Much too short, and I'm really not ready yet to face another week at work. But I'm hoping Monday brings really good news on another front, so I do have that to look forward to. I so need to put my own job search in high gear. I don't know how much longer I can deal with clients who can't find the Internet Options>Tools on their browser. Oh well, at least I haven't had to ask anyone if there's a blue lower-case e in the upper left corner of their screen lately...

And no, I'm not kidding. Happens on a regular basis. Yes, still. Now aren't ya glad you're not working as tech support? lol

a better start to this week

Last week was...well, once upon a time I would have said it was a week from hell, but having lived through weeks and months of hell in the past several years, last week doesn't really compare. But it was a not-good week. A stressful week.

This week, thankfully, has started off much better than last week did. Life is still stressful but for a change, work wasn't today. I didn't realize how much I needed a day like today, until I got it. No major problems, no yelling clients, no complaining co-worker, just some issues that weren't really issues that I resolved for the clients. It was a nice break.

battling old demons...

the feelings of being "less than," of not doing "good enough," of not being capable enough...

Intellectually I know better, and yet the word failure keeps flashing through my head.

I feel myself sinking into the old "can't get anything done right so why bother trying" mode.

I know this is just a phase. I know I will snap out of it. I know things will get better. I know I will manage to get everything done that needs to be done, and it will be good enough.

But right now, I don't believe it.

new beginnings...second chances

It's been just about 2 years, so I guess technically it's not a new beginning any more, but I'm still in awe about how wonderful my second chance at love has been.

One of the nice things about being in an LDR is that my boyfriend and I do a lot of our communication online, and that means I can go back and look at our emails and chats from when we first started getting serious about each other whenever I want. So today I took a little stroll down memory lane and now I'm walking around with a big ol' goofy grin on my face. :D

Engagements...weddings...marriages

Lots (more than one) of engagements happening around me recently. Of course, the subject has been on my mind lately. Not really sure why - impatience, processing, healing, I suppose, and not necessarily in that order.

The thing about engagements is that they're supposed to lead to weddings, which are the beginnings of a marriage.

I can do, and am doing, a committed relationship. I love the idea of being able to wake up every morning with my boyfriend. I like sparkly rings. A party to celebrate being in love? I'm down with that. Yeah, even have one sort of planned in my head. Marriage? that thing that legally ties you to someone else? Vows that are supposed to mean something?  Legal ties that are really messy, and expensive, to untie?

(Anyone notice me practicing my lamaze breathing so I don't hyperventilate?)

Let's just say I need to think about that part some more. Good thing nobody's in a hurry around here.

Hello 2012

Here's to another year of looking forward, moving in the direction I've chosen, accomplishing things I had previously given up on, enjoying life, appreciating all the good, wonderful, positive things in my life, and knowing that I am loved, cherished and adored, and that I love, cherish and adore in return.