getting past the "don't wannas"

I have a serious case of them today, as in I don't wanna do my homework, I don't wanna clean the house, I don't wanna eat what I put in the crockpot this morning for tonight's dinner now.

I haven't been a complete slacker. I have made myself do some housework and I have started on my homework. But I don't wanna do any more. I will, because I have to, but I don't wanna.

I wanna win the lottery and run away.

dealing with shame

I've come through the ex cheating on me and walking out on our children and me knowing it was not my fault and being able to hold my head up. I've told countless people the story, and while I've been emotional about it, I've never felt shame for it.

But recently I've hit a stage where I realized I'm ashamed that I picked who I did to be the father of my children. I'm ashamed that I married this man. I'm ashamed that I wasted 26 years of my life with him, and didn't, wouldn't see him for who he really is.

For now though, the shame I feel is manifesting in anger, and that's not a good thing. I feel as if I've taken a leap backwards in some ways, and I'm not liking that. I can offer myself a million reasons why I shouldn't be ashamed, but they all feel like excuses and justifications to me. 

I'm not sure what to do with this. I'm not big on the whole forgiveness
thing. I don't necessarily think it's something that has to be done.
Accept, yes. Forgive, not always. So is this something about myself I
just have to accept, or do I need to forgive myself for it? Certainly, I
need to learn from it. I'm not quite sure what the lesson is yet, but I
know there's at least one in there somewhere. There always is.

confronting the old me

or more like, running head first into reminders of a me I had forgotten I had been.

I think my sister was the first one to point how how different I had become in my marriage, compared to the young woman I had been before I met my ex, and in the early stages of that relationship. Funny how a simple question about what happened to the young woman who always used to dress fashionably and wear cute shoes can sum up so much. It wasn't just that how I dressed changed, it was that the parts of my personality I expressed that way went into hiding.

It's probably not a big surprise that after talking to my sister about that, one of the first things I did was go shoe shopping. :)

Yesterday I started clearing out some of the accumulation of dross, the leftovers of my marriage that I get to deal with since I got the house, with all the remaining contents. I went with the easier stuff, the boxes of old papers, statements, receipts. Crap I knew I could dispose of without any issues.

In one of the boxes I went digging through, I came across several cards and a letter I had written to ex a great many years ago. Seeing the old me, on paper and in writing no less, was a bit unsettling. On the one hand, who really wants to see the embarrassing drivel one writes as a naive teenager? But what got to me was seeing the evidence that I really had been a different person before I met ex, and for a wide assortment of reasons, conformed over the relationship to what I thought his expectations of me were. Obviously I started that process fairly early in the relationship, too, because I didn't remember being the girl whose personality shines through in the letter, despite the drivel.

The contrast between that young woman, and the woman I became in my marriage, is what was unsettling. It highlights how much I was willing to change, in order to feel lovable, and loved.

But the similarities to who I feel I am now were also glaringly obvious, and I find that incredibly reassuring. I'm back to being the me I was supposed to be. Only now I'm loved for who I am. What an amazing feeling that is. :D

"dirty little secret" keeps running through my head

I'll keep you my dirty little secret

(Dirty little secret)

Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret

(Just another regret, hope that you can keep it)

My dirty little secret

Dirty little secret

Dirty little secret



Who has to know?

Who has to know?
~All American Rejects

Yep, that song. The chorus (see above), in particular.

Now, I could have it all wrong. I'm sure there has been plenty of justification about how it's all my fault I couldn't be told. But still...yep, dirty little secret...who has to know?

It's the little things that amuse me. :D