or more like, running head first into reminders of a me I had forgotten I had been.
I think my sister was the first one to point how how different I had become in my marriage, compared to the young woman I had been before I met my ex, and in the early stages of that relationship. Funny how a simple question about what happened to the young woman who always used to dress fashionably and wear cute shoes can sum up so much. It wasn't just that how I dressed changed, it was that the parts of my personality I expressed that way went into hiding.
It's probably not a big surprise that after talking to my sister about that, one of the first things I did was go shoe shopping. :)
Yesterday I started clearing out some of the accumulation of dross, the leftovers of my marriage that I get to deal with since I got the house, with all the remaining contents. I went with the easier stuff, the boxes of old papers, statements, receipts. Crap I knew I could dispose of without any issues.
In one of the boxes I went digging through, I came across several cards and a letter I had written to ex a great many years ago. Seeing the old me, on paper and in writing no less, was a bit unsettling. On the one hand, who really wants to see the embarrassing drivel one writes as a naive teenager? But what got to me was seeing the evidence that I really had been a different person before I met ex, and for a wide assortment of reasons, conformed over the relationship to what I thought his expectations of me were. Obviously I started that process fairly early in the relationship, too, because I didn't remember being the girl whose personality shines through in the letter, despite the drivel.
The contrast between that young woman, and the woman I became in my marriage, is what was unsettling. It highlights how much I was willing to change, in order to feel lovable, and loved.
But the similarities to who I feel I am now were also glaringly obvious, and I find that incredibly reassuring. I'm back to being the me I was supposed to be. Only now I'm loved for who I am. What an amazing feeling that is. :D
I think my sister was the first one to point how how different I had become in my marriage, compared to the young woman I had been before I met my ex, and in the early stages of that relationship. Funny how a simple question about what happened to the young woman who always used to dress fashionably and wear cute shoes can sum up so much. It wasn't just that how I dressed changed, it was that the parts of my personality I expressed that way went into hiding.
It's probably not a big surprise that after talking to my sister about that, one of the first things I did was go shoe shopping. :)
Yesterday I started clearing out some of the accumulation of dross, the leftovers of my marriage that I get to deal with since I got the house, with all the remaining contents. I went with the easier stuff, the boxes of old papers, statements, receipts. Crap I knew I could dispose of without any issues.
In one of the boxes I went digging through, I came across several cards and a letter I had written to ex a great many years ago. Seeing the old me, on paper and in writing no less, was a bit unsettling. On the one hand, who really wants to see the embarrassing drivel one writes as a naive teenager? But what got to me was seeing the evidence that I really had been a different person before I met ex, and for a wide assortment of reasons, conformed over the relationship to what I thought his expectations of me were. Obviously I started that process fairly early in the relationship, too, because I didn't remember being the girl whose personality shines through in the letter, despite the drivel.
The contrast between that young woman, and the woman I became in my marriage, is what was unsettling. It highlights how much I was willing to change, in order to feel lovable, and loved.
But the similarities to who I feel I am now were also glaringly obvious, and I find that incredibly reassuring. I'm back to being the me I was supposed to be. Only now I'm loved for who I am. What an amazing feeling that is. :D
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