messages

I was reading my horoscope for 2011 last night. I don't particularly believe in horoscopes, but I do enjoy reading them. For the most part, they're written in a way you can spin the positive out of them, and adding more positivity to life is never a bad thing.

Last night, as I was reading, a couple of sentences jumped out at me. Because they referred to the past, not the future, and they were reminders of a place I don't want to go back to.

"You've learned the hard way in 2009 that this doesn't mean sacrificing
your needs or denying your true self. No longer is the name of the game
about pleasing the other at the expense of losing yourself..." and "After breaking through any pesky co-dependent relationship snags in
2009, you're ready for the big leagues when it comes to love and
commitment."

Yeah, I know. Vague and innocuous, and leading towards all sorts of interpretations. But a message nonetheless.

And the messages I'm taking from it are:
Be myself. Make myself a priority. Honesty is very important. Love is possible, and real, and is a gift, both to receive and give. Learn from the past, but look forward, not backwards.

I'm looking forward to 2011. It's gonna be a good year. :)

Christmas

I feel kind of guilty writing this, because I know my kids did not have a great Christmas. But my Christmas was much more peaceful than I expected, and really, it was one of the better holidays I've had in years.

I didn't have to deal with a husband who was an ass about Christmas, but pretended he wasn't. I didn't have to deal with in-laws, and the crazy dietary restrictions that goes with them. I didn't have the stress of hosting the big family gathering.

But my kids did not get the Christmas they should have. They didn't get to celebrate Christmas the way they have almost every year since they were born. Instead, they had to divide their time between parents, and have a Christmas Day meal at their "dad's house" which is really the woman's who helped break up their family, and the one their dad walked out on them for house. Yeah, good times for my kids, I'm sure.

From what very little my kids told me, it sounds as if ex and OW tried to recreate the family celebration. Or not. Who knows? It's not like what we used to do was all that unusual. But how odd must it be for my kids to have to do a "family" celebration, with their mother noticeably missing? Does their dad have any clue about the looks of relief I saw in their eyes when they got home?

and next on the list is....

Somewhere in the last year or so, life has evolved into a continuous series of checklists. Check off one item, move on to the next step. I guess that's what happens when you have to rebuild your life - you set some goals, you make some lists, and you hopefully check off completed items on that list.

I got to check off finishing this semester, and finishing my first semester as a full-time student for the first time in over 25 years. It'd be nice if I felt more of an accomplishment, but right now all I feel is relief that the semester is over. Some things are done because they are a means to an end, and right now, that's what going back to school is for me - a means to an end.

School/training means a better shot at a better paying job. A better paying job will mean financial independence and security. Financial security means I get to do more of the things I want to do, and not just what I need to do. Hmm, suddenly those check marks on my lists are looking better and better. Maybe I have accomplished a few things, after all.

woot! exempt from another final

So all that's left for this semester is to take the final for my math class. WoofreakinHoo! It's been a really long semester, and I haven't enjoyed it that much. I'll be glad to have it done with.

Some of it was the courses themselves, some of it was the instructors. But I think a lot of it is my impatience to get on with my life. I want to jump to the next step in my plan but I'm not done with the school phase yet. I've got two, maybe three more semesters to go, depending on what courses are offered, when. Hopefully my original plan will work out, and I'll  have my degree at this time next year. I need to talk to the adviser again, and file my degree plan. But that can wait until January, because after I take this final, I'm done thinking about school for a while. Oh, except for selling back my books. That I'll do next week. lol

self-indulgence won out, afterall

ended up back in the bed, and took a nap. I must have needed the sleep. I feel better now.

in one of those moods

you know those moods, the ones where it's easiest to stay in bed all day, because it takes too much effort to get up and dressed. yeah, that's the mood I'm in today. I'm not being quite that self-indulgent, but I sure am thinking about it.

something's missing

It's cold enough here to have a fire, finally, so I do. I've already had a cup of hot cocoa, with a splash of something extra in it, so that it was an adult beverage. But as I sit here on the couch, in front of the fire, thinking about the glass of wine I'll probably go get in just a few minutes, something or rather someone, is missing.

It'd be a perfect night to share with my SO. I'm really looking forward to a time when we can share evenings like this together.

I didn't sign up for this

Yet, this is where I am. While I could say that about most aspects of my life right about now, in particular I'm talking about being a single homeowner. Don't get me wrong. I'm glad I got the house. My kids need the stability, and it's a great asset to have, in the long run.

It's the short term that's not looking so pretty. The house is almost 20 years old, and there has not been a lot of maintenance done over the years. Of the projects that did get done, they were done with an eye on how cheaply they could get done. To be fair, some of that, particularly earlier on, was out of necessity. But for the last 5 years of my marriage, money should not have been an issue. As it turns out, it wasn't. The issue was that ex had checked out of the marriage, and had begun cheating, and wasn't invested in the house as "our home."  So he had little, if any, desire to repair, replace or upgrade things around the house. Oh, we talked about it, and he made it sound like that's what he wanted. But as he told me, he was really good at telling me things he thought I wanted to hear.

So, this all brings me to a ever-growing list of things that will need to be done, repaired, and replaced around the house. There are some pretty big items on the list, too. Like the a/c and the fencing. Yesterday I realized I needed to add a new stove to the list. Well, move it up much closer to the top of the list, actually. It's been on my list for years. But as I was cooking the Thanksgiving meal yesterday, and moving the racks in the oven, I saw that there's some corrosion occurring inside the oven, and small pieces of the side wall were coming off. That can't be good. So replacing the oven has now become more important, if not urgent.

I was really hoping these types of expenditures could wait until I've found a job, and am more financially stable. But apparently appliances that are almost 20 years old don't agree.

counting down to 2011

It's hard to believe that in a little less than a month and a half, 2010 will be over. It's been a most interesting year - a year of healing, and of finding peace, joy and love again. There's been some hurt and pain in the mix, carry-overs from previous years, but overall the highs far outweigh the lows. I'm in a good place, one I didn't think I'd get to quite so soon.

Still, I find myself looking forward to 2011. I think it's the lure of all the potential and possibilities of the new year that appeals to me.

Wherever I am, and whomever I'm with, I plan on celebrating New Year's Eve the same way I did in 2009, by releasing the negative emotions I have so that I have room in my heart, soul and life for all the positives that await me.

One of the most valuable lesson I learned in 2010 is that there are great things for me, outside of my comfort zone. So I've decided that, instead of doing resolutions, which I never stick to
anyway, I'm going to come up with 12 things, one for each month of 2011,
that will challenge me to get out of my comfort zone. I don't know what those will be yet, but I'm looking forward to figuring that out.

it needs to be repeated

Not that most cheaters or those they cheat with would think this about themselves, and only a few will see themselves in it after the devastation has occurred. But it takes a special kind of selfish person to knowingly and willfully inflict the pain and trauma of infidelity on the innocent. And whether they choose to believe it about themselves or not, this is the view from the other side.

“A Word About Adultery” by Bob Lonsberry
Adultery is the most selfish, destructive and hateful thing a person can do.
It’s funny what you don’t know going in.
Or what you choose to ignore.
And it’s tragic that you don’t realize until it’s too late, until
what’s done is done, how utterly wasted a life can be. How hopeless
hopeless can become. How the promise and joy of life can slip like water
through guilty hands.
Hell is merely realizing what you’ve done.
Mostly to others, but ultimately to yourself.
Hell is the flash of memory, snippets and snapshots of a happy
spouse, a newlywed or new mother, pleased and pledged, her future and
hopes tied to you. Her whole life in all its stages gambled on you. The
very nature, substance and quality of her life, through all its years,
depending on a promise you have casually or repeatedly broken.
How you can take an hour or a decade of selfishness and condemn
an innocent person to a lifetime of loneliness and disappointment.
How you can steal someone’s dream and leave it tattered and
stained, unrecognizable and unsalvageable. And not just any someone. The
one person who has given you more than any other. The only one who
truly understands you and cares about you, and who proved it by giving
herself to you. By having faith in you and supporting you. By taking
your name and taking your fate.
That’s the one you destroy.
It’s an emotional murder. The snuffing out of a life that should
have been lived. Not the stopping of a heart, but the breaking of a
heart.
Taking the “happily” out of “happily ever after.” It’s an emotional murder.
And that’s the hell.
For you because you deserve it, and for her because she doesn’t.
Then there are the children.

Innocents whose lives are forever and unfairly changed. Who have a
mommy and a daddy one day, but not the next. At least not in a real way.
Not in the way they are supposed to. No Christmases and family reunions
and weddings and graduations, no family nights around the dinner table
or the TV, it’s all just shattered and broken.
You’d kill someone who hurt your children a fraction of how badly
you’ve hurt them, and yet you’ve done it, and they tell you it’s OK but
you know it’s not and you’ve done it and you can’t run away from it and
Humpty Dumpty can’t be put back together again.
And children cry.
When they are young, and decades later when they are old.
The family died, and daddy did it.
That’s the hell.
Realizing that.
Realizing that you did that to them. That you have returned hate for love, betrayal for trust, evil for good.
You have broken the only promise you really had to keep. And in
the world of cause and effect they reap the harvest you have sown.

Adultery isn’t something you do with another person, it is something
you do to your family. To the hopes and lives of the only people who
will ever really matter to you.
It is a blind and hateful selfishness, a universe out of kilter,
an arrogance of priority and interest. You are all that matters, nothing
else counts, and you have everything backwards.
And it seals you off until you are alone and they don’t have you
even if you are in their midst. Ultimately you rot so much that it
collapses, the marriage and the family, and out you spin, not realizing a
fraction of what you’ve done and who you’ve hurt and what you’ve lost.
But it comes eventually. In the dark of the night, in the realizations of the soul, in the honesty of humility.
And you can’t think about what you’ve lost, because you’re too ashamed of what you’ve taken. Ashamed and anguished and wrong.
And that is hell. The realization of what you’ve done. Of who
you’ve hurt. Of the damage you’ve caused. Of the fact it’ll never go
away.
That is the lake of fire and brimstone.
You realize that life was a test. And you failed. You failed your family.
Adultery brings nothing but sorrow and pain. The likes of which words cannot communicate and imagination cannot conjure.
“Thou shalt not commit adultery” was not a restriction, it was a warning.
Which only fools fail to heed.
- by Bob Lonsberry © 2004

too funny not to share

Came across these recently and thought they summed up things perfectly. Maybe it's something you have to be part of the club to truly appreciate, though. WH stands for wayward husband, or the cheater, and OW is well, the other woman.

Our Love Is Real

no reserves left

My life isn't really all that strenuous, but it is and has been
incredibly stressful. It's taken a bigger toll on me than I thought. I had the misfortune of being sick yesterday, something that should have been a minor inconvenience, really. Yet it wiped me out. I'm still exhausted today, despite resting most of yesterday, sleeping 8 hours last night, and napping again today. Seriously, I'm ready for another nap.

It's scary to think what would happen if I got really sick. :(

getting past the "don't wannas"

I have a serious case of them today, as in I don't wanna do my homework, I don't wanna clean the house, I don't wanna eat what I put in the crockpot this morning for tonight's dinner now.

I haven't been a complete slacker. I have made myself do some housework and I have started on my homework. But I don't wanna do any more. I will, because I have to, but I don't wanna.

I wanna win the lottery and run away.

dealing with shame

I've come through the ex cheating on me and walking out on our children and me knowing it was not my fault and being able to hold my head up. I've told countless people the story, and while I've been emotional about it, I've never felt shame for it.

But recently I've hit a stage where I realized I'm ashamed that I picked who I did to be the father of my children. I'm ashamed that I married this man. I'm ashamed that I wasted 26 years of my life with him, and didn't, wouldn't see him for who he really is.

For now though, the shame I feel is manifesting in anger, and that's not a good thing. I feel as if I've taken a leap backwards in some ways, and I'm not liking that. I can offer myself a million reasons why I shouldn't be ashamed, but they all feel like excuses and justifications to me. 

I'm not sure what to do with this. I'm not big on the whole forgiveness
thing. I don't necessarily think it's something that has to be done.
Accept, yes. Forgive, not always. So is this something about myself I
just have to accept, or do I need to forgive myself for it? Certainly, I
need to learn from it. I'm not quite sure what the lesson is yet, but I
know there's at least one in there somewhere. There always is.

confronting the old me

or more like, running head first into reminders of a me I had forgotten I had been.

I think my sister was the first one to point how how different I had become in my marriage, compared to the young woman I had been before I met my ex, and in the early stages of that relationship. Funny how a simple question about what happened to the young woman who always used to dress fashionably and wear cute shoes can sum up so much. It wasn't just that how I dressed changed, it was that the parts of my personality I expressed that way went into hiding.

It's probably not a big surprise that after talking to my sister about that, one of the first things I did was go shoe shopping. :)

Yesterday I started clearing out some of the accumulation of dross, the leftovers of my marriage that I get to deal with since I got the house, with all the remaining contents. I went with the easier stuff, the boxes of old papers, statements, receipts. Crap I knew I could dispose of without any issues.

In one of the boxes I went digging through, I came across several cards and a letter I had written to ex a great many years ago. Seeing the old me, on paper and in writing no less, was a bit unsettling. On the one hand, who really wants to see the embarrassing drivel one writes as a naive teenager? But what got to me was seeing the evidence that I really had been a different person before I met ex, and for a wide assortment of reasons, conformed over the relationship to what I thought his expectations of me were. Obviously I started that process fairly early in the relationship, too, because I didn't remember being the girl whose personality shines through in the letter, despite the drivel.

The contrast between that young woman, and the woman I became in my marriage, is what was unsettling. It highlights how much I was willing to change, in order to feel lovable, and loved.

But the similarities to who I feel I am now were also glaringly obvious, and I find that incredibly reassuring. I'm back to being the me I was supposed to be. Only now I'm loved for who I am. What an amazing feeling that is. :D

"dirty little secret" keeps running through my head

I'll keep you my dirty little secret

(Dirty little secret)

Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret

(Just another regret, hope that you can keep it)

My dirty little secret

Dirty little secret

Dirty little secret



Who has to know?

Who has to know?
~All American Rejects

Yep, that song. The chorus (see above), in particular.

Now, I could have it all wrong. I'm sure there has been plenty of justification about how it's all my fault I couldn't be told. But still...yep, dirty little secret...who has to know?

It's the little things that amuse me. :D

if I weren't already smitten

I would have been after yesterday. Got an email reply from SO when I asked him how he slept the night before ~ "each time I woke enough to turn over, I thought of you and smiled."  Oh yeah, my insides melted with that one, and I walked around with a huge goofy grin on my face for hours.

Gotta love a man who has such a way with words. :)

want vs need

This came up for discussion on an online forum I post on, and I've been pondering it ever since. At first I thought about it only in the context of the relationship I have with SO. But invariably that led to thoughts of how different this relationship is compared to my marriage and well, there you have it. I've been thinking about the want vs need dynamic in my marriage. So even though I was only going to go forward with this blog, I think for tonight I'll be looking at the past, because I want to learn from that so that my present and future are better.

Hindsight is so wonderful, in its 20/20 perfection.

When I met my ex, I was needy. At the time, I didn't think I was, but looking back, oh baby, was I ever. Some of it was the neediness  and immaturity of youth, but a great deal more of it was the neediness that came from issues in my family of origin. I unwittingly was looking for a rescuer, and found that in my ex. He was needy as well. Again, some of it because of youth, but I think now a lot more of was because of issues in his family of origin. If you were to ask him though, I doubt he'd see it, even now looking back.

But there we were, me needing to be rescued from my dysfunctional family and ex needing the attention that he hadn't gotten from his parents growing up. That dynamic worked well for us for years, because I gave ex the attention he wanted, when he wanted it because he was my knight in shining armor who rescued me.

Somewhere along the way things changed. We got married and had children. I didn't have as much time to give ex the attention he needed, when he needed it. I also started to realize that I didn't need him to rescue me, I could learn to do that by myself. Now, I didn't just wake up one morning and know I didn't need him. It was a very gradual process, made in part because ex withdrew from me and our family as he became more discontent. I grew stronger because he wasn't there to be my rescuer. I stopped needing him.

That was really good for me, but I think it's what doomed my marriage. Ex equated need with want and assumed because I didn't need him, I didn't want him. And honestly, I didn't do such a good job of letting him know I wanted him as a husband. I thought I had plenty of time for that, when the kids were older. I was wrong.

So now I know that I don't need anyone to rescue me. I still have the tendency to want to have that knight in shining armor come to my rescue, so I really have to watch that. But even with that, I know that I do not need to have my SO in my life. I know that I can have a perfectly good life without him. However, I want to have SO in my life. And I will make sure he knows that, and how much I enjoy and appreciate that he is in my life. It's a lesson that was well learned.

went to my divorce support group today

and something the moderator of the group said made me wonder if he knows this online persona of mine. Or perhaps I've just been more vocal in group about the subject that came up than I realize.

It was a small group today, only 7 of us including the moderator, and despite only attending for not quite a year, I'm considered one of the old-timers. I think a lot of that has to do with my attitude as much as the progression of my divorce time-line. Being officially divorced puts me on the other side, at least as far as being able to help those just starting the process.

Anyway, half of the group today was in the trying to reach a settlement phase. It's an extremely frustrating time during a divorce, particularly if the soon-to-be-ex isn't cooperating and is trying to drag things out. Because that's where half the group is, we spent a lot of time talking about anger, resentment and forgiveness.

It was when the subject of forgiveness came up. That's when I got the feeling the moderator knows who I am on a forum I post on, under this name. Either that, or I live a life with a whole lot of coincidences. lol  But I've posted on that forum several times within the past week about forgiveness. Of course, I do tend to be rather outspoken in group at times so there's a good chance whatever I've said about forgiveness before made an impression. Not that it bothers me if he knows who I am on the forum, and he may not. But the timing of the subject, and his comment, was just a bit odd. Oh well, such is life.

you know he's a keeper when...

One of the things I'm finding rather remarkable about my relationship with my SO is how incredibly comfortable I am, despite doing a bunch of real life, normally embarrassing things around him. Turns out I don't blush nearly as easily as I thought I did, and I really like being accepted for who I am, and not having to pretend I'm someone I'm not.

I'm not sure it was a lesson to be learned, exactly. But I got to discover what it feels like to have someone care enough about me to take care of me when I didn't feel well this past weekend. I wasn't sure what to do with that, for a while. It's hard to let someone in that close and not be afraid he'll feel differently. It was sad to realize I hadn't had that depth of caring in my marriage, for most if not all of the marriage. I remember thinking that the last time someone did some of the simple, basic things for me when I was sick that SO was doing was when I had been sick as a child and my mom took care of me.

I think it makes SO  a little uncomfortable for me to be so appreciative of things that he does that he takes for granted, because they're such an inherent part of him. He has said something similar to me, about things I've said to or done for him, and I usually answer "it's just me, being me" so I think I understand how he feels.

But I'm going to keep on appreciating this wonderful man who came into my life when I least expected it and I'm going to keep him just as long as he wants me to. :)

it's just....creepy

I'm not one of those people that spills my whole life out on facebook. For one thing, I'm fb friends with my kids and a handful of their friends, and life has been pretty tumultuous for my kids this past year without them having to deal with mom sharing too many details of our lives on fb. For another thing, it's just better that some things are not thrown out there on fb, kwim? That's what semi-anonymous blogs are for. lol

So with my kids' best interests in mind, I do not talk about my relationship with SO on fb, nor do I show any type of relationship status. I guess that means I come across as available, or something. Every now and again, like oh say tonight, I get friend requests from men that I don't have a freakin' clue who they are. Do they bother to write anything in the nice little space facebook gives you to personalize the request? No, of course they don't.

Seriously, do these men really not get how creepy that is? Or that I'm not getting that they're just sending the request based on my profile picture? I suppose they think it's flattering, or something, but I just find it creepy. Blech!

Really? Am I really that interesting?

Apparently I am so fascinating to other people that they feel the need to keep tabs on me. It's a bit more complicated than that. It's really closer to cyber-stalking and harassment. Oh, not to mention credit card fraud and identity theft. And yes, that was reported to the police, with names of suspected perpetrators.

So guess what? If you know who I really am, good for you. If you want to keep playing childish games, once again, good for you. You got what you wanted, however the hell that turned out for you. If you really think that filling my inbox up with spam, or checking to see what I order online and get delivered will make you happy, or a good person, who am I to care?

You see, I have a life. I have people who care about me and support me. I can look in the mirror and face myself every day. I know I am a good, kind, loving person.

You are inconsequential to my life now, but apparently I'm rather important to yours.
 
Whatever.

people hear what they want to hear

I'm sure I'm no exception to that, but it's annoying nonetheless when someone asks for advice, I take the time to respond and then get no acknowledgment from that person, simply because I said something they don't want to hear and they choose to take someone else's advice.

I don't have a problem with them not taking my advice. It's not that. In this particular instance, I do think they're unwise to not take my advice but hey, there's nothing I can do about that. It's more about when someone asks for advice on a public forum, then only responds to the people who agree with them that irks me. Why bother asking if you're not going to even consider different viewpoints?

But the question, my reply and the other responses got me to thinking about how fortunate I am in my relationship with SO. The question was about figuring out where a relationship is heading when it's a new relationship, and it's a relationship after your marriage was ended by infidelity.

My response was to talk to, and ask the other person in that relationship with you. The other replies were more along the lines of how uncomfortable it was to put your feelings out there for another person to see, and that they'd rather wait and see what happens. Hey, I get that. It's incredibly hard to show any emotional vulnerability after you've been cheated on and divorced because of it. But one of the lessons I learned because of that is that I'd much rather know honestly where I stand in a relationship. And fortunately for me, that's what I have now with SO.

things are looking up

Yesterday I went to talk to the financial aid people yet again, and this time I got some results I can live with. The original grant still hasn't shown up, but they gave me another, one-time only grant for this semester which covered my tuition. So I was able to register for classes. Yay me!

I have to pay for my books out of pocket, and then get reimbursed when the original grant comes through, but at least I'm able to go to school this semester.

I've been taking lots of baby steps towards my new life. Now I feel like I'm taking a giant leap forward.
I'm so ready.

New life, here I come. :)

trying so hard not to whine

I am supposed to be getting a grant to cover my tuition and books so I can go back to school full-time this semester. Which starts tomorrow for online classes, Monday for on-campus classes. The financial aid still hasn't shown up in my student records account so that I can register for classes.

Talked to the fin. aid person yesterday. The aid should have shown up before now and she didn't know why it hadn't. Bumped the problem up to her supervisor, with vague assurances to check my student account last night or today, and it should be there.

Yeah, still not there.

<sigh> Why can't things just go the way they're supposed to?

I'm trying to think of this as just a small bump in the road but it's getting hard to not be discouraged. Maybe I just need to learn to not rely on anyone else to get to where I want to be in life.

still waiting....

Financial aid is a wonderful thing. It'd be much more wonderful if it'd show up so I can register for classes for the semester that starts this weekend. I've got a call in to the fin. aid office at the college but I think I'll be better off if I go talk to someone tomorrow. Well, that's the plan anyway. Whether it gets me anywhere remains to be seen.

Spoiled, I am just so spoiled

Maybe this is what an adult relationship is really supposed to be like, and my view of normal is so skewed that I can't see that, but I can't help but think how very lucky, and spoiled, I am to have someone like my SO in my life. I am constantly amazed at how easy it is to just "be" when I'm with him.

That's not to say I'm not putting any effort into this relationship. Of course I am, as is SO. We both greatly appreciate what we have and are nurturing it. But the more time we spend together, the more I realize how well we truly mesh together, and how one-sided this relationship is not.

I'm really liking this new normal I've discovered. :)

what a difference a year can make

A year ago, my husband kissed me goodbye, told me he loved me and walked out the door to go to work. I had no idea that he had packed some of his belongings in secret, loaded them in his truck, and didn't intend to ever come home again.

A year ago I started on the journey I'm on now. When I started off, I had no idea how I'd take the first steps, much less where they'd lead me. All I knew was that I had to start moving, so that I could start to rebuild my life.

In the past 12 months I have walked on paths I never imagined I would. A few times, I took the road more traveled, and was glad for the company on my journey. But when I could, I challenged myself to take the road less traveled, the paths I had previously not chosen while I strolled through life.

It turns out that choosing to take the road that leads out of my comfort zone has brought me some of the greatest rewards and joys.

A year ago, I was sure I would never be happy again. Today, I've had the biggest, goofiest grin on my face, and I'm happier than I've been in a very long time. :)

how is it that....

how is it that I could go for months, almost years without sex while I was married, but a month apart from SO is driving me freakin' nuts?

don't get me wrong. it's a good thing. a really, really good thing. just frustrating as hell...

pushing through the paralyzing fear

I have to make myself do this, somehow. I'm not exactly sure how, but I have to do it. Otherwise I'm stuck in this limbo of sorts that seems to have no end.

The fear is of the unknown. So much of what lies before me is completely unknown - what will my life be like, how will I get a job after being a sahm for nearly 20 years, how will I pay the bills, will the stress ever go away? All these questions, and so very many more, race through my head daily. The weight of them is paralyzing, and instead of working to find answers, the fear makes me retreat.

I know this is not good for me, and yet I can't seem to break completely free of the paralysis. I have times when I get something accomplished towards my goal of rebuilding my life, that I'm making forward motion. But then a wave of fear hits me, usually accompanied by yet another stressful event, and I suddenly feel like I've taken several giant leaps backwards.

Each time I feel I go backwards it's harder to find the inner strength to pull myself forward again. Again, it's the fear that paralyzes me. I know I have the strength in me to do this. I have to make myself push through the fear first. Just as soon as I figure out how to....

better day today

I pulled out of the funk I was in over the weekend, at least enough to get some stuff done today. So now I don't feel like a total slug anymore.

how'd I get to be so lucky?

Today was one of those days. Not a good day, mostly. Crap from having to
get a divorce and having to be a single mom. Okay, it was a curl up in
bed, stay in pj's and cry kind of day. That's how much of a not a good
day it was.

But despite of all that, it wasn't all bad. While my
kids went off with their dad this afternoon, I was chatting with my SO.
What started out as our quick, let's catch up chat turned into a
marathon, all day and again at night chat because I was having such a
not good day. Because SO knew that I needed to not be alone, so he
stayed with me all day, the only way he could. It's a LDR, btw.

I honestly don't know what I did to deserve this man. It's kinda funny,
because he says the same thing about me sometimes. But today, and days
like today, are why I know just how damned lucky I am that this man is
in my life, this kind, caring wonderful man, and that he loves me and
worries about me.

I'm so glad I fell in love with this man. *big goofy grin*

may be getting some financial aid for school

I really hope so because it means I'll be able to take classes full time both semesters next year. If I can that will bring me all the more closer to my dreams of being gainfully employed and financially stable. Plus, it will free up some of my support money so I can hopefully pay down my debt some, and maybe do a little more traveling.

In other baby step news, I now have a savings account. Okay, so I opened it with only $25 but the online banking site I'm using automatically transfers money from my checking account into the savings. Right now it's a small amount that will be transferred every 2 weeks but I figure it's better than nothing.

The thing that I really like about the site I'm using for this savings account, SmartyPig, is that you can set up specific savings goals for a certain amount of time. So if you want to save for a trip, and Christmas shopping, and home repairs, you can set those all as goals, with specific dollar amounts and time frames to each goal. Then you can see the progress you're making towards each goal.

So I'll see how it goes and if it works out the way it's supposed to I'll set up new goals as I can afford to.

had way too much caffeine yesterday

which explains why I'm still awake at 4 AM. I'm really messing with my sleep patterns here. lol

I've got a ton of stuff to do, and haven't had much drive lately to do any of it. I'm not quite sure why that is. I know what it is I have to do. I've got a plan. What I don't seem to have much of is self discipline. I need to work on that.

rearranging

I spent the other day rearranging my bedroom. I've been meaning to do it for some time now, but hadn't gotten around to it. I still want to paint and get new curtains/comforter set/etc but moving the furniture around to how I want it is a very good first step to claiming the room as my own. It really is all about me. :)

new beginning, new blog

I've spent the past couple of years dealing with infidelity and the destruction of my long-term marriage. Now my focus has changed to rebuilding, and in some ways, re-creating my life. So new beginning, new blog. Let's see if I can tap into the good in my life enough to write about it the way I can when I tapped into the anguish and sorrow.