more stressed than I want to think about

was told the other night that I'm probably more stressed than I want to admit. I agreed, but now I don't, sort of.

it's not that I don't want to admit it, it's that I don't want to think about it. thinking about how stressed I am, and the causes of that stress more or less paralyzes me. the incredible urge to either just run away or be rescued from my problems really comes out if I think too much. so does a lot of self-doubt. and then I feel all whiny and whatnot.

which sucks.

and is self-defeating.

well shit. I can't even decide if I want to whine tonight, or talk myself out of this crappy mood I'm in.

marriage

had a somewhat disjointed chat with SO tonight about a conversation I had today with someone else about marriage after divorce.

the original conversation basically boils down to "it's scary thinking about marriage again, after a divorce."

the conversation with my boyfriend went all over the place, perhaps because we both might have been avoiding being definite about anything to do with marriage. I'm not sure about him, but I know I was.

it's a tricky subject.

theoretically, I believe in marriage. I don't know that I want to be married. I don't know that I don't want to be married, either. I know I don't need to be married to be in a committed relationship. so, I do believe in the concept of marriage, or as my boyfriend put it, a formal expression of commitment. I'll admit it, the thought has crossed my mind, a lot. sometimes I can very clearly picture it. other times, it scares the shit out of me.

despite everything, I still also believe in the symbols of marriage, in particular wedding rings. realistically though, I know better. wearing a wedding ring means shit to a lot of people. but to me, it's an outward symbol of an inward commitment.

I do believe in two people making a commitment to one another, whether it's in a legal marriage or not. I like the idea of having an outward, recognizable sign of that commitment. maybe it's because I'm female and because I like jewelry. but I think that's just a small part of it. even though I know plenty of other people don't view it the same way, I still see a ring as part of the boundaries of the commitment.

sigh, it's scary thinking about marriage, after a divorce...

more fuckery from the grand poobah

honestly, I don't know why I keep expecting better behavior from him. you'd think by now it would be deeply ingrained in my brain to have the lowest of low expectations. but somehow, when it comes to our kids, I still somehow expect the grand poobah of fuckery to do what's right.

inevitably, that doesn't happen.

I went from being angry about it earlier today, to just kind of numb, to kinda depressed.

how could I possibly have ever thought this selfish, sorry excuse for a man would be a good father? the only reason he was any type of father at all when we were married was because I created opportunities and nagged/pushed him into them. well, at least in the last 10 years of the marriage. when the kids were small, their dad seemed much more engaged in being a dad.

and now he's this...grand poobah of fuckery...
his kids seem to neither like nor respect him. one of them has even said how stupid his dad is.

so once again, I'm being the parent, doing damage control, and making sure my kids are okay.

conversation with a teenage boy

talked with younger son for quite a while yesterday. the conversation wandered all over the place. at one point son actually said he enjoyed that it did that, and mentioned that he can't have these types of conversations with his age peers.

it kinda broke my heart.

son is struggling to find a place he fits into, and he has yet to find intellectual peers that he also likes as people. it does not help any that he spend the last couple of years being angry, and that anger came out in the form of heavy sarcasm. not that I think he had any real friends at the place where he took some classes, but I do think he alienated any potential friends there may have been. and son has been so anti-social on top of the sarcasm that he's pushed away the few friends that  he has.

he's aware of this, how anti-social he has been. he's the one that brought it up in our conversation. he's wondering if it's at the unhealthy stage or not. I think we both knew that if he's wondering that, it is.

now, I just need to figure out what to do about that...