moving and combining the blog

I figured out last night that I could import both blogs onto wordpress into a single blog, and keep my original post dates. So I'm moving, Now both Overcome by Sorrow and Overcame the Sorrow will be in the same place, under the same username, so people will know it's me.

Everything through last night's post is moved already, but I still have some changes and adjustments to make. I'm not loving the templates over there but I know that's something I can figure out. So far I've got the blog posts in categories so you'll know which blog they came from, but I'm still working on tags, and getting my links up, and so forth. It's a work in progress, just like me. :D

Click here to find the new home for Overcame the Sorrow.

3 years down, 2 to go

Sometime around my birthday 3 years ago I started thinking up my 5 year plan. I didn't have anything definite at the time, but I was thinking.

3 years ago I was still married, but in what turned out to be false reconciliation. It was 6 months after d-day#1 and I knew the reconciliation was not going well. I wasn't ready to even consider the idea that it was false reconciliation, that now-ex was still cheating, that he could see the devastation and pain I was in and still continue to hurt me like that.

But very, very slowly I was inching my way towards processing it all, and accepting that my life had changed/was going to change even more, in ways I never expected. It would take me 3 more months before I was ready to find out the truth and find the secret cell phone, but in March 2009 all I knew was that my 50th birthday (meaning my life at 50) was going to be a hell of a lot different than my 45th.

All things considered, my 45th birthday wasn't all bad. I planned and threw myself a fabulous party. I got shitfaced drinking margaritas and doing tequila shots. I spent the evening with some of the best, most supportive friends a woman can have. But the party was a bubble in time. Outside that bubble, the reality of my life sucked. And that's the life I was already planning on changing, so that it would be different by the time I was 50.

At the time I was still hoping that it would be different because my marriage would be different (aka better) and that my then-husband was sincere in his efforts to work on the marriage. But I also knew I had work to do on myself, and that I needed to make myself a priority in my own life. I wasn't sure what or how I needed to do this, but like I said, I started thinking.

I have to say I really didn't put "the plan" all together until after now-ex walked out on the kids and me, which was a bit over 4 months after my birthday. Oh, I had bits and pieces of it in my head, but I hadn't worked out the entire 5 years. I pulled the pieces together pretty quick when I had to, though.

So....3 years down the line there's a pretty long list of the things I've accomplished. I went back to school. I stabilized life for my kids, and kept them in the only home they've ever known. I got a job. I met someone new and have been in a relationship with him for a little over 2 years now. I was able to afford to replace old appliances in the house. I bought a car. I have a new wardrobe, and oh yeah, I have a whole bunch of sexy and/or cute shoes again.

Believe it or not, all of those were part of my 5 year plan. Now, they didn't all happen when or how I planned, but they happened. The job - that took a lot longer to find than I had planned. The boyfriend? He came along, very unexpectedly, much sooner than I ever considered. The new car - oh yeah, so didn't plan to have to get a new one because my old vehicle got totaled in a wreck. But ya know what, it all worked out for the best. Because of my plans, or maybe despite of them.

And now...I have just about 2 years left of my plan. Two years before I'm 50. I've got more school ahead of me, which changes my original plan, but that's okay because I'm going back after my original degree, if I can.  There may also be some other life changes I'll make that weren't part of the original plan, because...well, because I didn't expect to find love again so early into my plan. That was supposed to be a towards the end of the plan goal. lol

I don't know exactly where I'll be when I turn 50, but I do know that I will have reached the goals I set for myself 3 years ago. I also know I'll be throwing myself another fabulous party, and I will be celebrating with the best, most supportive friends a woman could ever have, old and new. Although, maybe I'll skip the tequila shots this time.

Then again, sometimes ya just never know how plans will work out...:p

reminders...lessons...

I spent most of last weekend with a great group of people from survivinginfidelity.com. It was the first get together I've been to that had a number of genuinely remorseful, veteran waywards in attendance. It was nice to meet people in real life, that were on "the other side" who get it. They understand the depth of the pain. They know the devastation first-hand. And they had the courage and strength to work their way through it and come out the other side.

I needed the reminder. I needed to meet these people, to learn what remorse really looks like, to hear it from them. I had no doubts about their level of remorse prior to meeting them. That's evident in what they post on the forums. But I guess I just needed to see the "actions are louder" than words part in person.

People can change.It takes an awful lot of strength and determination to make those changes, no matter which "side" you started out on.

Tuesday tantrum

This isn't going to be all that big of a tantrum. If I could have posted around 1 pm today, it would have been a full-out kicking and screaming tantrum. But it's been a long day. It's late. I'm tired. No energy to stomp my feet and yell tonight.

I hate going to my job. I'm dreading tomorrow. I dislike being put in the position where I'm blamed for things that aren't my fault. Did I mention I hate going to work?

yeah, this is a bit more of a whiny tantrum than a temper tantrum. sigh.

Monday music

everyone's got a dark side....

what an awesome weekend!

Fabulous company, excellent food, even the weather cooperated and was good. the only bad part of it was that it had to end. going to work tomorrow sure is going to be tough...

TGIF

It's my Friday off. Woohoo! I planned way in advance to have this particular Friday off, because of plans I have for the weekend, but boy howdy it couldn't have worked out better. This was one of those weeks when 4 days of work felt like 7 days, at least. I'm so ready for a longer than 2 day break.

And I get to spend this weekend with my sweetheart, and with really good friends. some whom I've never met before. lol

not terrible Tuesday

Not that it was a good day, but it wasn't as bad as yesterday so that's saying something. 

On the plus side, saw a listing and applied for a job with another tech company. On the not so plus side, my boss asked me to print a word doc while I had my resume open in word, but minimized. Sure enough, word popped up with the resume before the doc I was going to print opened. Boss was standing over my shoulder.  

Oh well, boss didn't say anything, at least not yet. 

Seriously cannot wait for the weekend to get here. It's the only way this week is going to improve. 

Monday Music

yet again, posting really late. I heard the perfect song for today on the radio on my way to work, but then once I got to work, I got slammed with...well, work. Welcome to Monday at inept software company.

anyway, didn't get a chance to post the song, and now I can't remember what song it was. hey, it's the Monday after the time change. my brain is not functioning right today.

but there's plenty of songs out there, and tonight I think it's gonna be a Good Life.

lost in a book...

It's been a really long time since I indulged in getting lost in a good book. Some of it's been because of lack of time, but most of it is because I know myself too well. I pick up a book and don't put it down until I'm finished. Until last night, most of my reading has been done at airports/on planes. There's a stopping point built in, that way.

Last night I crawled into bed shortly before 10, and picked up a book I had bought several weeks ago. Yep, next think I knew it was after 1, and I only had a few pages left to go. Even though I had to get up for work this morning, it felt really good to allow my inner bookworm to come out again. With all the changes in my life over the past few years, I went from reading hundreds of books a year to reading maybe a couple of dozen. I had forgotten how much reading for pleasure relaxes me. Last night was definitely quality me time.

And today I'm paying the price and living on caffeine. :p

Wednesday word

I'm thinking the word for tonight is gluttony. Take stress (some good, some bad), and add PMS. What do you get? A binge. sigh

Gluttony...

not-terrific Tuesday

weird dreams last night, running late this morning, with worse than usual traffic on my drive to work...yeah, so not the way I wanted to start out my Tuesday. I can't say my day got any worse, but it didn't get better, either. Just pretty much stayed in that "blech" range all day.

Haven't heard anything about the interview yet, so I keep staring at my phone as if that will make it ring. Sigh...

Work was slow, and boring, all day today. I'm sure it's just the lull before the storm. There's an update on the software coming out this week. That always livens things up some. :p

Music Monday

a little late in the day, but still...

Perfect

Saturday night and I ain't got...

...dessert. That's what I don't have. I've been reduced to eating the chocolate chips again. Oh well, at least the chips are Ghirardelli. :)  And I have a rather tasty wine to go along with the chocolate, so really, all is good with the world tonight.

interview

had one today, for the job I really want. It was a phone interview, which was a good thing considering how short it was. The interviewer only asked me about 4 questions, none of them very in-depth. I, in turn, asked him about 5 more questions, which required more than a few words to answer, and was able to extend the interview longer than 5 minutes.

Unfortunately, I have no idea how it went. It's hard to get a read on someone without the face-to-face. Hopefully it went well enough that they'll want to do an in-person interview. After talking to this guy today, I really do think I'd be an excellent fit for the job. Just not sure he talked to me long enough to figure that out.

Oh well, I guess it's wait and see time.

Believe

a girl's gotta believe, doesn't she? 

Carlos Santana Believe 2

I'll let you know when they get here... :D

Wednesday Word

serendipity - an aptitude for make desirable discoveries by accident
I think it was serendipity that I happened to see that job listing when I did.
Interview on Friday. I have a good feeling about this. :) 

maybe Tuesday's not so terrible after all

I was all set to whine again about traffic. Getting home from work was about as much fun as getting to work was. But I got home right as one of my kid's friends was pulling up. He's one of the teens I used to see all the time, back before I had all these major life changes, but I haven't seen him in months and months.

It was nice to catch up with what's going on in his life, and to just hear a (small) group of teens hang out and laugh for a while.

I miss that. Oh, I know I was incredibly fortunate to get to spend as much time with my kids and their friends as I did. I know  also it was inevitable that I wouldn't see much of my teens and their friends as they got older, regardless of the changes in my life. And I'm okay with that. I truly don't want to go back to the more hands-on parenting of younger kids.

But sometimes, like tonight, I get reminders of how much fun it can be to see my kids with their friends. It was nice to come home to that, tonight. :)

terrible two-sday...

yep, in the mood to throw a tantrum like a two year old today, all on account of traffic. seriously, how do these other drivers still not realize they are supposed to get out of my way? ;p

ugh, thought I left home with plenty of time to run a couple of errands on the way to work, but no....I ended up sitting in traffic the whole time and even got to work a few minutes late. So not the way my Tuesday was supposed to start. grr!

Monday Music

what doesn't kill you makes you Stronger...

oh, think good thoughts...

I've applied for a job I'd really like to get, and I got an email saying my resume has been reviewed and is being directed to the next person in line. It could be a week or 2 before I even hear if they want to interview me. Any positive thoughts, mojo, prayers, etc would be appreciated.

interesting question, mom...

talked to my mom tonight, getting caught up, and I mentioned I went to visit my boyfriend last weekend. She already knew, I'm sure, because my sister would have told her. But anyway, after I mentioned it and brought up my boyfriend, my mom asked me when I was getting married again.

Funny, in the 4+ years I was with ex before we got engaged, I don't recall my mom once asking when I was getting married. She may very well have, and it's just I don't remember. It's been a long time.

Anyway, I was more than a little surprised that my mom asked me that. I'm taking it to mean she approves, not that I need her approval. But it's nice to know my family likes my boyfriend enough that they wouldn't object to me marrying him. :)

meeting the OX

As in, the Other Ex. Well, not THE Other Ex, who would be the ex of ex's OW, but who is completely irrelevant at this point. Now, this would be the relevant to my life now OX...

I met my boyfriend's ex this weekend. It was pretty much by accident. We zagged when we should have zigged (or vice versa) and ended up running into her when none of us expected to. Have to hand it to her, when she realized the situation she handled it well, and politely. Truth be told she handled it better than I did. I pretty much sat there with no idea of what to say. It had just been too weird to hear her say "oh you must be...(insert real name here) for me to do more than nod yes. And really, what was I supposed to do? Say "it's nice meeting you, too?" That big of a hypocrite I'm not. lol

It wasn't until later on that I got around to thinking about why this seemed so weird to me. Some of it, I think, is simply because up until several years, the idea that I could find myself in a situation like this - meeting a boyfriend's ex-wife - just wasn't on the radar of my life. And truth be told, my boyfriend and I have been doing our best to avoid this particular scenario for the past couple of years. He deserves to keep his life private from his ex, and I haven't been in any big hurry to meet the woman who hurt him so badly.

But a lot of the weirdness is because of how she found out about me, and from knowing that she talked about me with their kids, and from assuming that I'm still a topic of discussion from time to time. Oh, I know it's not really about me. It's about my boyfriend. I just happen to be the person he's in a relationship with, so I become part of these conversations by default. Doesn't make it any less odd to know that people are talking about me.

Ya know though, now that the first meeting has happened, I'm relieved that it has. It was inevitable, and it's better that it happened in some innocuous way rather than at some event in front of their kids.

But it's still weird.

oh holy hell, yet another engagement

jeez, this is getting...I dunno...something. Sign from above-ish?  I swear I haven't known this many people to get engaged and/or married since I was in my mid-20s.

I guess this is one of those lessons I still need to learn - being genuinely happy for people who want to get married.

ah, the joys of divorce...

I worked on my federal income taxes today. Last year's was really straightforward. All I had was spousal support, which oh joy, oh bliss, is considered alimony for federal tax purposes even though the state I live in doesn't "do" alimony. They do spousal support. Anyway, not really a big issue. It didn't total enough that I had to pay any taxes on it, and with the education credit I could get from going back to school, I ended up with a small refund.

This year, though I had the "alimony" and my income, and a rolled-over IRA, and education credits, and for the first time ever, I have to figure out the earned income tax credit. Apparently I'm eligible, filing as head of household with some dependents, now that I'm officially in the low income bracket (yeah, this would be where the sarcastic "ah, the joys of divorce" comes in).

Okay, I get why all this stuff is in place, and I am grateful for the financial aid I've received, as well as the refund  H&R Block is telling me (so far) that I should be getting. But, wow, just didn't think I'd be here at this stage of my life. Both my pride and my ego are smarting a bit tonight. Not a pleasant feeling.

I was brought up with my feet planted firmly in middle class. Not just middle class, but white bread WASP middle class. I know there were tough times, when my dad was unemployed, that I'm sure tumbled the family out of middle class and into the same position I find myself in now. But it never occurred to me back then that we were anything but a middle class family.

I got married, had a family, was a stay at home mom. Can you get any more middle class than that?

But then I got divorced, and today I got to see, in black and white, it all spelled out. And it looks a lot worse on paper (well, on computer screen) than it really is. But it's what's on paper (er, computer screen) that matters as far as the IRS says. And according to them, with my earned income, I'm eligible for the credit. Which means I'm so not in the middle class. Not according to the government of the country I live in.

whoosh! blows to my pride and ego, in one fell swoop.

It's temporary. I know this. I didn't work the entire year of 2011. Oldest son was a full-time college student still living at home. Various situations just came together which made me eligible for the EITC. And like I said previously, I will be grateful for this refund that I supposedly could get.

I just need to release yet another part of the image I had of myself and my life first.

video killed the...

oh wait, wrong kind of video. and I think it should be more like I killed the video voice over. lol

We decided to create some training and sales/marketing videos for the company website.We're all supposed to try to make some, but I ended up being the first one to actually make one.

I gotta say, for a first attempt I didn't think it sucked too much. It's not great. It's probably not even good. And I so do not have a voice-over career in front of me. But for doing it all by myself, it's not horrible. I guess that's saying something. lol

gulp...

I've got 2 kids - one college-aged, who is taking a semester off, and a younger one still  in high school but at the age when he/we need to start thinking about college for him.

My older son is drifting a bit. He's not sure what direction he wants to go in. He's warring between doing what interests him but knowing there's not really a future, and figuring out something else that interests him (he has a lot of interests) that would lead him down a career path.

Younger son is...well, I'm not sure what younger son is thinking. The most I can get out of him is that when it comes time to go to college, he wants to go somewhere that's not here. As in, he wants to move out and away.

Alrighty then....yeah, younger son is still kind of mad at me. For what I'm not exactly sure. Moving on with my life after the divorce, near as I can tell. For me having been angry and hurt because of what his dad did. For talking to my friends about my (in son's mind, his) life. There's probably a ton of other reasons, stuff he perceives as something I've done wrong. Ah, the joys of living with a self absorbed teenager...

I know he's entitled to have his feelings. And he's not being ugly or belligerent, at all. It's just he usually radiates this wall of anger when he's around me. It gets old.

Anyway, I've been attempting to have these "are you thinking about your future?" conversations with both kids. I'm pushing harder with older son because...well, because he's older, he's an adult and damn it, he really needs to figure this shit out, kwim?

So, with older son, I broached the subject of the possibility of me moving when younger son is 18, out of high school, and hopefully in college. I asked older son if he would be surprised to learn I've been considering that option. He said he wasn't surprised. I did also mention that there were several options about what I could do with the house, and my decision would include taking into consideration where the kids are heading at that time.

It was kind of scary to admit aloud that I've been thinking about this. It would mean a lot of big changes, and impact a lot more than just me. I've gotten better, much better, at dealing with change. But still...this would be scary...

rainy days and...

never mind...it's Friday. :)

it is raining, though. but I'm sitting here in my not-even-a-cube really hoping the afternoon stays as quiet as the morning was. I like Fridays like this. Well, the Fridays that I have to work. The Fridays I don't have to work I've got better things to do than sit and be quiet.

One of the things I should be doing on this quiet Friday at work is to start my to-do lists. I took a break from writing them for a while, after a conversation I had with my boyfriend. He passed along something someone had told him about writing to-do lists that hit a little too close to home for comfort, and I decided to see how my life would go without my lists.

This experiment was...er, interesting. I can't say it was a complete failure but it wasn't a success either. Turns out I do sometimes need to write down the things I need to do. Otherwise I forget to do things like throw a load of dirty towels in the washer when I get home from work. The next morning, stepping out of the shower, is not the time to remember. Just sayin'...

What I did learn, with this, is that I do not need a multi-page list that includes all the potential chores, errands, and projects that I feel like I should be doing. That just makes things overwhelming, and discourages me from even starting the list. So instead I'm going to try something else (another idea I hijacked from my boyfriend ;) and that's to make daily lists with only a few items on each list. That way things like "wash towels" don't get forgotten. lol

I've never claimed to be an organized, neat and tidy, kind of person. And going back to work hasn't helped any, at all. It's time I pull it together, and at least come up with some semblance of organization. Turns out I really do like having clean towels...

another engagement

this time it's someone at work. and the wedding is planned for April.

I made all the proper noises. Congratulations. How exciting. et cetera. so forth. blah da blah-dity blah.

inside my head there was still this tiny voice screaming "Don't do it!"

another part of me is envious. and impatient.

I'm ready to get on with the next stage of my life, but it's not time yet.

and woman with a hacksaw wins...

that's one more diy home repair job I can put on my "Done" list. I made brownies, ya know to celebrate my victory over plumbing. :D

another piece of the puzzle

As I was drifting off to sleep last night, a stray, random thought popped into my head, and I went "a ha, now that makes more sense." When I woke up this morning, I had no idea what that thought was, or what it was I finally connected together so it made more sense. I know it was something about ex cheating, leaving, or how he viewed the marriage, but I don't remember whatever it was.

Oh well, guess that just goes to show how irrelevant the remaining pieces of the puzzle have become. Sure, it's nice when it happens, and I get that moment of clarity about something that previously hadn't quite made sense. But I don't care if this puzzle never gets finished. It no longer matters.

ps. the good news

still waiting to find out the details, but got the good news yesterday I (we) were hoping for. now just waiting on the details so I can make some travel plans, or rather, have travel plans made for me, and then I can look forward to a wonderful weekend away with my sweetie. :)

anger

Just when I think it's gone for good, it's back. I'm so, so tired of this damned roller coaster of emotions. I guess it's progress, though, because now I'm maddest at myself. Probably not for the best reasons, but it is what it is.

I'm mad at myself for seeing what I wanted to see, believing what I wanted to believe, and for allowing that to put me in the situation I got in. I'm mad at myself because once again, it feels like I'm accepting responsibility and blame for something that was done to me. I'm mad at myself because life is particularly stressful right now, and I'm not coping with the stress as well as I think I ought to. I'm mad at myself because I keep thinking I'm making excuses for myself.

I thought I'd worked through all this. It sucks to find out that I haven't.

I read once, somewhere, that depression is anger turned inwards. I dunno, maybe there's something to that, and when I thought I was done being angry, all I had really done was turn it inward, gotten depressed, and didn't have the energy it took to get angry. If that's the case, then the anger is erupting again. If it's not the case, then the anger is erupting again. Either way, it's not healthy.

So, here I am, 'talking' myself out of being angry...okay, so  it's more like an argument I'm having with myself that's not making it from my head to the keyboard. But I'm aware of it. I've acknowledged it. And now I can start working on it constructively.

Go me! :-\

woman vs toilet

and I'm pretty sure woman wins! I won't know for sure until I can figure out a way to get the corroded and stuck on nut and bolt from the old handle off so I can put the new handle on, but I'm reasonably sure that I replaced the innards of my toilet tank and fixed the drip. Okay, except for the handle, I know I replaced the parts. I just haven't been able to test for drips, yet.

I need to stop at Home Depot on the way home from work tomorrow and pick up something to get the bolt off. I'm thinking hacksaw. :D

All-in-all, not a bad weekend. Much too short, and I'm really not ready yet to face another week at work. But I'm hoping Monday brings really good news on another front, so I do have that to look forward to. I so need to put my own job search in high gear. I don't know how much longer I can deal with clients who can't find the Internet Options>Tools on their browser. Oh well, at least I haven't had to ask anyone if there's a blue lower-case e in the upper left corner of their screen lately...

And no, I'm not kidding. Happens on a regular basis. Yes, still. Now aren't ya glad you're not working as tech support? lol

a better start to this week

Last week was...well, once upon a time I would have said it was a week from hell, but having lived through weeks and months of hell in the past several years, last week doesn't really compare. But it was a not-good week. A stressful week.

This week, thankfully, has started off much better than last week did. Life is still stressful but for a change, work wasn't today. I didn't realize how much I needed a day like today, until I got it. No major problems, no yelling clients, no complaining co-worker, just some issues that weren't really issues that I resolved for the clients. It was a nice break.

battling old demons...

the feelings of being "less than," of not doing "good enough," of not being capable enough...

Intellectually I know better, and yet the word failure keeps flashing through my head.

I feel myself sinking into the old "can't get anything done right so why bother trying" mode.

I know this is just a phase. I know I will snap out of it. I know things will get better. I know I will manage to get everything done that needs to be done, and it will be good enough.

But right now, I don't believe it.

new beginnings...second chances

It's been just about 2 years, so I guess technically it's not a new beginning any more, but I'm still in awe about how wonderful my second chance at love has been.

One of the nice things about being in an LDR is that my boyfriend and I do a lot of our communication online, and that means I can go back and look at our emails and chats from when we first started getting serious about each other whenever I want. So today I took a little stroll down memory lane and now I'm walking around with a big ol' goofy grin on my face. :D

Engagements...weddings...marriages

Lots (more than one) of engagements happening around me recently. Of course, the subject has been on my mind lately. Not really sure why - impatience, processing, healing, I suppose, and not necessarily in that order.

The thing about engagements is that they're supposed to lead to weddings, which are the beginnings of a marriage.

I can do, and am doing, a committed relationship. I love the idea of being able to wake up every morning with my boyfriend. I like sparkly rings. A party to celebrate being in love? I'm down with that. Yeah, even have one sort of planned in my head. Marriage? that thing that legally ties you to someone else? Vows that are supposed to mean something?  Legal ties that are really messy, and expensive, to untie?

(Anyone notice me practicing my lamaze breathing so I don't hyperventilate?)

Let's just say I need to think about that part some more. Good thing nobody's in a hurry around here.

Hello 2012

Here's to another year of looking forward, moving in the direction I've chosen, accomplishing things I had previously given up on, enjoying life, appreciating all the good, wonderful, positive things in my life, and knowing that I am loved, cherished and adored, and that I love, cherish and adore in return.