messages

I was reading my horoscope for 2011 last night. I don't particularly believe in horoscopes, but I do enjoy reading them. For the most part, they're written in a way you can spin the positive out of them, and adding more positivity to life is never a bad thing.

Last night, as I was reading, a couple of sentences jumped out at me. Because they referred to the past, not the future, and they were reminders of a place I don't want to go back to.

"You've learned the hard way in 2009 that this doesn't mean sacrificing
your needs or denying your true self. No longer is the name of the game
about pleasing the other at the expense of losing yourself..." and "After breaking through any pesky co-dependent relationship snags in
2009, you're ready for the big leagues when it comes to love and
commitment."

Yeah, I know. Vague and innocuous, and leading towards all sorts of interpretations. But a message nonetheless.

And the messages I'm taking from it are:
Be myself. Make myself a priority. Honesty is very important. Love is possible, and real, and is a gift, both to receive and give. Learn from the past, but look forward, not backwards.

I'm looking forward to 2011. It's gonna be a good year. :)

Christmas

I feel kind of guilty writing this, because I know my kids did not have a great Christmas. But my Christmas was much more peaceful than I expected, and really, it was one of the better holidays I've had in years.

I didn't have to deal with a husband who was an ass about Christmas, but pretended he wasn't. I didn't have to deal with in-laws, and the crazy dietary restrictions that goes with them. I didn't have the stress of hosting the big family gathering.

But my kids did not get the Christmas they should have. They didn't get to celebrate Christmas the way they have almost every year since they were born. Instead, they had to divide their time between parents, and have a Christmas Day meal at their "dad's house" which is really the woman's who helped break up their family, and the one their dad walked out on them for house. Yeah, good times for my kids, I'm sure.

From what very little my kids told me, it sounds as if ex and OW tried to recreate the family celebration. Or not. Who knows? It's not like what we used to do was all that unusual. But how odd must it be for my kids to have to do a "family" celebration, with their mother noticeably missing? Does their dad have any clue about the looks of relief I saw in their eyes when they got home?

and next on the list is....

Somewhere in the last year or so, life has evolved into a continuous series of checklists. Check off one item, move on to the next step. I guess that's what happens when you have to rebuild your life - you set some goals, you make some lists, and you hopefully check off completed items on that list.

I got to check off finishing this semester, and finishing my first semester as a full-time student for the first time in over 25 years. It'd be nice if I felt more of an accomplishment, but right now all I feel is relief that the semester is over. Some things are done because they are a means to an end, and right now, that's what going back to school is for me - a means to an end.

School/training means a better shot at a better paying job. A better paying job will mean financial independence and security. Financial security means I get to do more of the things I want to do, and not just what I need to do. Hmm, suddenly those check marks on my lists are looking better and better. Maybe I have accomplished a few things, after all.

woot! exempt from another final

So all that's left for this semester is to take the final for my math class. WoofreakinHoo! It's been a really long semester, and I haven't enjoyed it that much. I'll be glad to have it done with.

Some of it was the courses themselves, some of it was the instructors. But I think a lot of it is my impatience to get on with my life. I want to jump to the next step in my plan but I'm not done with the school phase yet. I've got two, maybe three more semesters to go, depending on what courses are offered, when. Hopefully my original plan will work out, and I'll  have my degree at this time next year. I need to talk to the adviser again, and file my degree plan. But that can wait until January, because after I take this final, I'm done thinking about school for a while. Oh, except for selling back my books. That I'll do next week. lol