it's the last day of 2011

and I'm ready for this year to be over. It wasn't a bad year. In so very many ways it was a wonderful year. But, it was another year filled with changes, that followed several really hard years filled with many changes, and it's with a lot of relief that I can put the giant check mark next to 2011 and mark it as "Done."

Not that 2012 isn't going to be filled with changes as well. It will. It's all part of the forward motion of life. But I think 2012 will be less about "firsts" and "baby steps" and more about making strides on this journey of mine.

I was going to do a year in review type of post, and list a bunch of the stuff that I've dealt with in 2011. But now that I'm writing, I don't really see the point. The "firsts" are in the blog, as are many of the baby steps. The healing...yeah, it's there too. That might not have been on the most straightforward path, as I would have liked, but when I look back to the beginning of 2011 and see where I am now at the end of the year, I've walked farther down the healing path than I realized.

It's a good feeling, to be able to look back over the past year and see how much farther I've come, what I've accomplished.

Good bye 2011 - thanks, for everything you brought me, the lessons you taught me, and for all the wonderful, loving, caring people who were in my life during the year!

2012

It's right around the corner. Time to start reflecting on the past year, and continue to plan where I want to be and what I want to accomplish in the new year.

It's going to take longer than I have at the moment to sum up last year. There was several setbacks, but there was also a lot of forward motion. A lot of big changes happened in 2011, for me. I expect 2012 will hold still more changes.

It wasn't until the end of 2009, and the beginning of 2010 that I began to truly appreciate the fresh slate of a new year. 2009 was a year that just needed to be done with, and I was fortunate enough to have some real new beginnings as 2010 started. That allowed me to see the new year as a fresh, clean slate with me being the one with the colorful chalk, drawing and planning a wonderful new future, filled with adventures.

And now I'm seeing 2012 that way, a blank page that I can fill with the colors of adventures, love, and joy.

low-key Christmas

It felt kind of odd not making much of an effort about Christmas this year, but now that it's come and gone, I'm glad. It wasn't the most festive of holiday celebrations, but it wasn't stressful, either.

It was definitely a contrast to Christmases past. Ya know, the ones where I made myself crazy trying to make sure everyone else would have a good holiday, and in the process taught them that I wasn't as important as everyone else.

Funny how something like a low-key Christmas can show me that I still have more to learn about myself, and more work to do along this journey I've been taking.

struggling, more than I expected

I'm hoping it's simply a case of holiday blahs and year-end tiredness combined. Or maybe that it's because I've just forgotten to count my blessings lately. But more than likely, it's just more residual fall-out from the shitstorm of 2008-09.

At least I know I'll get through it, whatever these feelings are right now. I've made it through so much worse, and this is small, compared to that.

But I'm ready for things to be...different.

holiday blahs?

There's no doubt about it. I've got the blahs.

I don't want to do anything holiday related. I've avoided going out and doing things with friends. Getting up, especially on Mondays, to go to work takes effort. 

What I don't know is whether it's because of the season, or if it's because I'm tired. It feels more like it's due to the accumulation of the past several years than specifically the holidays. Oh, being in the holiday season isn't helping, but I think I'd feel this way anyway.

humbug! 

baby steps, baby steps

woot! younger son asked me to take him to an activity he wanted to do tonight. if he has a good time, it will become a regular event. it'll require some juggling of my time, after work in the middle of the week, but it'll be worth it to see him getting out of the house and being social again.

there has been so much collateral damage...

I hope this means some real healing has begun.

blogging for work?

well, maybe. I'm supposed to be helping the marketing director with some stuff, mostly writing some white pages. I thought. But I'm going through the tutorials and information, and it looks like what I'm writing can be used as blog posts on the company website. Personally, I think that will be more useful than where the articles are currently being uploaded to, so I think I'm going to grab the initiative here and run with it.

What's the worse that can happen? :p 

kids are resilient, huh?

This has got to be one of the biggest lines of shit that ever get uttered. Seriously.

Resilience: an ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change (thank you Merriam-Webster.com)

Recover from or adjust easily....  seems to me that people who say kids are resilient forget the "easily" part of the definition.

What kids are is adaptable. (adapt: to make fit, often by modification). Adults too, for that matter. but I want to talk about kids tonight. Specifically, kids who through no fault of their own, have to suffer through their parents' divorces. These kids are adaptable. They make modifications, to make life somehow fit once again.

They do not recover from nor adjust easily to these changes.

There is nothing easy about divorce, especially for the kids. No matter how old they are. Nothing is easy.

And it sucks.

Tonight I logged into faceback, and there in bright blue letters against the white background, the son of one of my friends is now going by a new last name. My friend's maiden name. The name she took back after her divorce.

I don't know the reasons, and I don't know if this is a permanent change or just the anger of a young man coming out in a public "fuck you" to his dad/dad's family. But I do know that if someone has recovered from or adjusted easily to the divorce of his parents, if he is resilient, he doesn't willingly relinquish his father's name.

People who think kids are resilient are deluding themselves. Kids are adaptable. They will make changes. But it doesn't come easily. It comes at great cost.

There is nothing that is easy about a kid surviving their parents' divorce.

a little bit more wine...

and I'm going to turn into an adolescent girlfriend posting youtube links to all sorts of sappy love songs on my boyfriend's fb.

sigh

it's hard, missing someone so much it physically hurts sometimes.

but what a wondrous gift it is to have this man in my life. I am such a lucky woman. :)

TGIF

This has been one of those weeks that would have been so much better if it never started. I'm so glad it's over. Well, almost over. I still need to get through the afternoon at work, but thankfully I've been left alone in the office and it's really quiet. I need some quiet time.

This week has been one of those weeks that make me realize, yet again, that I need to make some changes.

I don't like to make changes. Change scares me. But remaining stagnant is even scarier.

self-sabotage

That's what I've been doing lately. Self-sabotage. Back-tracking, waiting for the other shoe to drop, worrying more about what could happen or seems to be happening, instead of focusing on the here-and-now.

I don't know if it's the time of year, time of month, phase of life, lifelong habits, mind-set, past trauma, or what. But I've been holding myself back, again. Caught in a pattern of not pushing myself to move forward, and by doing that, getting myself caught in the past.

I will give myself credit, I did realize it. This time. I'm not sure how long it took to figure it out, though. It's not like I was back to wallowing. Outwardly, I may even have given the appearance of moving forward. And to give myself credit, I have dealt with things in the past several months that were, in many ways, steps forward. I took care of some important issues, I bought a car, I've replaced several old appliances. I am making progress. I do know this.

But up in my head, there's that whole thinking too much thing going on. And it's very easy for me to get circular in my thinking, when I argue with myself. It's also much easier to believe what I want to believe, just because I want to believe it, without a lot of evidence to back it up.

(That doesn't mean I'm necessarily wrong. But it can mean I'm not always right. :p)

Anyway, I'm letting stuff take up too much space in my head, that shouldn't be there. That's how I self-sabotage these days. Allowing myself to spend way too much time thinking about things I have no control over and cannot change. It's not good. It takes from the time I should be spending doing other things, thinking about my goals and plan, working on myself, gearing up my job search, focusing on what will be because I will be doing it, not on what may happen because someone else might be doing something.

It's a new month, and almost a new year. No more waiting for a shoe (bitch boots or not) to drop. I'm finding other things to think about.

sigh, he's right

My boyfriend, that is. He mentioned more than once over this past weekend that I don't seem to believe that I'm worthy enough to be treated as well as he treats me. Perhaps I was a bit effusive in my appreciation.

The twisted thing is, intellectually I know I am. Looking over my blog, emotionally however, it seems I'm still catching up.

I really don't like it when signs of still needing to heal hit me like a 2x4.

Thanksgiving

I have so much to be thankful for. Sometimes it's so much easier to dwell on the bad stuff, but today driving home from work I got to think about the wonderful weekend I just had, and how good life is.

Sometimes, it's the little things, like quarters, a clean windshield, and a diet Coke, that let us know how much we're loved. But other times, it's the bigger things, like booking a flight for Thanksgiving weekend with only a few weeks notice, and meeting family members for the first time during a holiday, that show us how very important we are to someone else.

I realized today driving home that I had let myself get back into "waiting for the other shoe to drop" mode. Probably because, and no great surprise here, there's people out there still wanting to drop shoes on my head. But ya know, there's nothing I can do about that. Except of course, hope that the shoes that drop are a pair of rockin' black leather bitch boots. Because I could always use a pair of those. :p

Thanksgiving, then and now

4 years ago, Thanksgiving 2007, if I had only known what to look for, the red flags were flying all over the place.

In September 2007, we had gone out of state to the memorial service for now-ex's grandmother. After the service the conversation became about how we (extended family) had only been getting together for funerals, or so it seemed. Ex's aunt commented about how it would be nice to get together for a holiday, instead. Ex said he really did want to visit her, and see the property she had bought. So I made the suggestion that maybe we could come for a visit for that Thanksgiving. Ex really seemed to like that idea, so I went one step farther and volunteered to do the cooking, at his aunt's house.

2 months later, we're making this trip, and it seems like a major inconvenience to ex. He didn't help me get ready for the trip (I was packing up not only food, but small kitchen appliances to bring). He didn't even seem like he wanted to go, and all I wanted was a little help, and some appreciation for doing this for him.

We ended up sniping at each other for most of the trip. Somehow, it seemed to be my fault, too.

I didn't find out about him cheating until Sept 2008. But armed with plenty of knowledge from SI, and hindsight, it's obvious some stage of his affair had started by then, and ex was resenting me for having to spend the holiday with his family. 

Anyway, it's 4 years later. I don't know what the hell ex will be doing for Thanksgiving, and I don't really care. I do think he will be somewhere really missing my cooking, though.lol Otoh, I will be enjoying a wonderful Thanksgiving feast with my kids, my mom, and my boyfriend (who, btw, has already told me to put him to work in the kitchen tomorrow).

It's such a contrast. I usually try not to compare. Probably not too successfully, but I do try. Anyway, I'm sitting at work today, bored, with way too much time to think. I kind of wondered why Thanksgiving isn't a trigger for me, given what I know now. But I've decided that it doesn't matter.

What does matter is that I'm thankful for what I have, the people in my life, and for how far I've come in the past 4 years.

Life is good. :)  Happy Thanksgiving!

oh...I bought a car!

See, it's been so hectic I forgot I hadn't mentioned that already. I bought a car! The first car I've bought on my own in over 25 years. I got a decent price, and I was able to get an even better interest rate than I expected. Odd as it sounds, I feel like an incredibly competent adult for being able to handle this all on my own. :D

it's been...

hectic is the word ds used to describe it, and he'd be correct. there was a lot going on - getting the insurance check, buying a car, picking up the car, dropping off the rental, all on top of the usual life stuff like work, grocery shopping, school for the kids, and so on.

We (the kids & I) are all introverted to varying degrees, so we like our down time at home. Dealing with the car stuff impinged on that.

But on the silver lining side, it's been taken care of and I have a new to me car sitting in the driveway. Today I can sit back and take some time to enjoy just being at home. :)

what a contrast

My boyfriend came for a visit this weekend. We had planned the visit before I was in the wreck, but the timing couldn't have been better. He needed to see for himself that I really was okay, and I needed some relief from the stress of dealing with all the insurance/car shopping stuff.

I know I should try harder to not compare my boyfriend and ex. But sometimes it's just so glaringly different and better with my boyfriend that it's hard to not draw some comparisons.

Prior to this wreck, the last wreck I was in happened about 17 years ago or so. I was in a Mustang, and got rear-ended by a pickup truck. It wasn't a high-speed impact, and there wasn't much damage done to my car at all. But I was pregnant with my younger son.

I was able to drive home, shaken and more than a little scared for my baby. I came into the house, told then-husband, and his first reaction was to go outside and look at the car.

Flash forward to now. The wreck I was in recently was more serious. I had minor injuries, and my van totaled. But neither was I pregnant this time, nor were my kids in the vehicle. I was not seriously injured The accident could have been a lot worse than it was. I was lucky.

Now, instead of a husband who checks on vehicles first, before making sure his pregnant wife and unborn child are okay, I have this incredibly sweet, wonderful man who flew to visit me for a weekend, who needed to make sure I was okay, and who wanted to pamper me. He looked at the scrapes and cut on my head within seconds of seeing me at the airport. He wanted to look at each and every bruise, so he could see that they were healing and fading already. He made sure I had plenty to eat, ran errands with me, and even came to the eye doctor with me just to sit around waiting for a couple of hours.

Before he left today, I tried to tell my boyfriend how much it meant to me, and why it did, although without going into the exact details of why. To feel the love and level of caring from him truly does feel like such a wonderful gift.

it is a contrast... 

facing down, well, not exactly a trigger

My van got totaled in the wreck I was in Thursday morning. So now I have to buy a vehicle, on my own, all by myself. The last, and only, time I did that was 26 years ago, when I was 21. I found a really cute little Mustang 4 cylinder, 4 speed. I was so pleased with myself. I thought I had done a good job negotiating the price, and more importantly, the car was just me, kwim? Hey, give me a break. I was a 21 year old girl. Looking good in the car was important. :laugh:

My mom took me to pick it up, and when I was just about home (I still lived at home with my mom), my exH who was my boyfriend at the time, drove past me. He turned around and followed me home. And with the first words out of his mouth, he sucked the joy of buying my very own first car away from me.

It quickly turned into all about him. Why didn't I ask him about it? Why didn't I have him go and check out the engine before I bought it? etc, etc. He looked it over, and finally deemed it okay. But by then the damage was done. The joy from having done this myself was gone, the doubt in myself had begun, and the need for now-ex's approval grew stronger.

The next time I bought a car, ex was my fiance, so it seemed natural that we'd do this together. Except, I pretty much let him pick out the car I was buying. Oh, I decided what type of car I was getting (another Mustang, this one with a V-8 5 speed), and I had veto power, but I let him decide the trim package, and even the color. Because he knew so much more about cars than I did. Because I thought it meant I was special, that he wanted me to have a car he thought I looked good in. Because he loved me, and wanted me to have a nice car. Truth be told, he did a good job. I loved that car, until ex wrecked it a year later. But that's another story.

Eventually, along came the van that was just wrecked. By the time we got that, we had been married for years, had a couple of kids, and had to get a vehicle to replace one totaled in a wreck. I needed a kid hauler, but didn't particularly want a van. I wanted an SUV, but I didn't want the price tag that goes with SUVs. I also didn't want to go car shopping with now-ex, with 2 small kids in tow, so I backed off completely. Let ex handle everything. Again, he did a good job, and got the vehicle we needed at the time, at a price we could afford.

I abdicated my responsibility, my choices, my decisions, so easily. I let my husband handle it all because "he was so much better at all of this than I am."

That's the lesson I learned, so many years ago, when I bought my first car. That my decision making when it comes to buying vehicles cannot be trusted.

And now all these years later, I have to buy a vehicle all by myself. Granted, I'm not even close to the same person that I was at 21. But the...fear...in me is that it will be pointed out to me that I screwed up, or could have screwed up, that I chose wrong, and that any joy I have in whatever vehicle I end up getting will once again be sucked away.

What a horrible legacy to have from the purchase of one's very first own car...

sometimes shit just happens

I read a lot on SI about karma, but typically only when bad things happen to the cheaters. I get it. It's not only amusing but it also can be cathartic to see that the cheaters' lives aren't all sunshine and daffodils after the destruction they caused in the betrayed one's lives.

But sometimes shit just happens. It's how we deal with it when it does happen that is more about our "karma" I think.

Today I was in a car accident. A teen driver, in a heavy duty crew cab pickup truck failed to yield when turning left, and ran into me. Hit me in the driver's side front tire. I was lucky. I drive (drove) an Astrovan so it's not like I was in some small car. I did hit my head, I've got several cuts from broken glass and the soreness and stiffness are settling in, despite the ibuprofen I've been taking all day. My van, being 11 years old, is most likely totaled. Yet, I still think I'm lucky. I'm grateful that it wasn't worse than it was. And it could have been. The speed of the oncoming vehicle could have been much higher. The driver in the lane next to me could have become collateral damage, but somehow managed to avoid being hit herself.  Life threw me another bad curve ball, but I'm okay. I will continue to be okay.

3 years and a couple of months ago, and for much of my adult life, I wouldn't have had the same attitude. I probably would have been a bitch about it, and complained about how the world was out to get me, and worn my victim-hood like a shroud.

Sometimes shit just happens. How we react to it is what makes us who we are. I'm really glad I'm no longer the same person I was, 3 years ago.

rather unsettling weekend

No question about it, I had a meltdown Saturday night and it was the first one I've had in quite some time. Up until about 3 hours before I ended up curled up in my bed crying, I had been in a great mood. Then, I wasn't and I'm not exactly sure why. I could just feel my mood go downhill.
And then...the tipping point. One last small issue, on top of all the other small issues, and that was it. It was meltdown time.
Now it's Sunday night, and tomorrow morning I have to head to a job I've learned to not particularly like, but I'm in a better mood now.
See, unsettling.
Maybe it's a case of finally seeing that all I've done this weekend outweighed the crap I couldn't do. I don't even care why right now. I'm just glad I'm in a better mood.

so...

it's another day. better than last night, but not great.

I pulled up my big girl panties this morning, and started to deal with what was stressing me out. have a bunch to keep working on, but it's a start.

I still wouldn't mind running away, at least for a while, but I no longer want it to be the solitary journey I was contemplating last night.

 

I feel like running away

It wouldn't solve a damn thing, but hey, I still feel like doing it.

How easy would it be, I wonder, to walk away from my life and all my responsibilities?  How much guilt would I really feel?

date night...with myself

got an unexpected night in the house by myself.

Fortunately for me, I had a bottle of wine in the fridge and a chick flick from netflix. :D

aw, I must be growing up...

An issue involving older son came up today, and it's something ex was responsible for taking care of, and didn't. My first instinct was to get mad, but I just couldn't muster up the energy. The worst I could think of was to call ex an idiot. I must be mellowing in my old age. lol

I know it was just a honest mistake on ex's part, and hopefully it can be fixed with a few phone calls and some paperwork. I probably freaked ex out though, since I texted him on the phone number he never gave me, and I was calm about it too. Even thanked him for saying he'd take care of it.

See, all grown up like, that's me. :p

rolling with the punches

so here I am, on a perfectly wonderful weekend with my boyfriend, and during a bit of downtime, I decide to check some of my "social" networking sites.

yeah well, turns out one of them shows you who looks at your profile.

*sigh*

yep, the ex or someone using his name searched for and looked at mine.

I so did not need to know that. I really didn't need to know that this weekend, and especially not today.

he walked out on me 2 years ago, and in doing so gave up any rights to check up on me, be concerned about me or in any way, shape or form, know about my life. it's just none of his damn business.

yeah, I know. it's a public networking site, I agreed that people could see my profile when I signed up for it...blah, blah, blah...

but I don't want to know that 2 years after he left, the ex is still looking for stuff about me online. I just don't want to know about it. I found out months after the fact that not only he but his psycho bitch from hell OW was reading what I wrote on SI. sure, that's another public online forum, and god knows there are thousands of people on any given day that I don't know about reading what I write. same thing goes for the blog, except the thousands part.

knowing that the ex and whore deliberately went looking for what I wrote - that's what makes it different to me. it wasn't to help me, it wasn't to empathize or try to understand the utter devastation they caused in my life. no, it was to keep tabs on me. it was to use what I was posting against me, as if in some strategic defense. it was cyberstalking.

and now, 2 years later, I can't help but feel that here we go again. I really hope I'm wrong. 

once again, it's all about me :D

I started to answer a post on SI about effort, and my reply quickly turned into an "it's all about me" response, when it should have been about the person who posted in the first place. So I decided to post here what I was going to reply there. Because here really is all about me. lol

The SI poster said: I can still be positive and be divorced, huh?

and I started my reply:

yep, sure can. :grin:

I'm not saying divorce is your answer. Only you can make that call. I am saying that divorce is not the end of the world.

I will also say that I thought I had a decent marriage, until the day my life imploded. It wasn't a great marriage, but I wasn't unhappy.

At least that's what I thought, until ex left and I had time to step back from everything and process and think. Turns out the marriage really wasn't hadn't been all that good for a long time and I hadn't been as happy in it as I liked to think I was. Don't get me wrong. I was mostly happy with my life. But I hadn't been getting the emotional support from the marriage that marriages are supposed to have.

Had ex not left, I would have stayed married to him for the rest of my life. I also would never have found out what I was missing out on.

And now that I have the kind of relationship where I have that emotional support, where I am clearly a priority, where what I feel and what I think matters, I can't for the life of me figure out how I stayed in my marriage as long as I did, and did without this.

Divorce might not seem like it's the answer we want, but sometimes it ends up being the answer we need.

adding some links

you may have noticed I've been adding some links to websites and books on amazon. just wanted to say I'm getting nothing from that, no affiliate programs or anything like that.it's simply books I've either read (so far all but 1) or had highly recommended to me (the 1 I haven't read) that may or may not help someone else. take from it what works for you, if anything.

Support, belief, a talisman…what got me through the shit-storm

This is going to be long. If you’re inclined to read it all, take a potty break first, grab a drink, and make yourself comfortable first. Yep, I’m that wordy. Oh, and since I was initially writing this to post on survivinginfidelity.com, here's a glossary of terms - SI is survivinginfidelity.com (not Sports Illustrated ;) ). Anti-versary is the anniversary of a not-good event such as d-day (discovery day) or the date a WS/H/W (wayward spouse/husband/wife - in other words, the cheater) leaves. OW is the other woman. NC means going no contact. The 180 is...well, it's a technique to where you change your behavior 180 degrees, and go from focusing on/catering to the other person and having them be the priority to making yourself the priority instead. There's more to it than that, but that's the bare-bones basics.

Now on with the actual post...

I know I was whining the other night about having to deal with a 2^nd anti-versary, but I’m actually just about 3 years out from my 1^st d-day. It’s just that from d-day #1 until the day now-ex walked out spanned almost a year, and then to add to things, it took almost another year for my divorce to be finalized. So my anti-versaries are spread all over the calendar and over several years of that calendar as well. 

Anyway, I whined. Now it’s time to focus on the positives, and what helped me make it through the shit-storm ex dumped on me almost 3 years ago. Not that I’m all the way through it, as noted by my whine the other night. But I’m 3 years down this path and into this journey, and that counts for a hell of a lot, at least imo. 

Brief back-story – caught now-ex physically cheating with one OW and sexting with another. The two OW knew about each other. A month after d-day#1, ex confessed to a prior affair. I thought we were trying to R, but ex took the affair way underground. Nine months after d-day#1 I found the secret cell phone. A month and a half after that, he walked out on me and the kids. Turned out he had a vacation planned with the OW, so he had to walk out on his kids with no good bye, no explanations, and no apology. Yeah, he really is a chicken-shit ass. 

Before I found the secret phone, one of the OW somehow got my credit card info, and committed identity fraud. She ordered a bunch of stuff online with my card and had it shipped to me. I filed a police report, and named both OW as possible suspects.  The probability that my then-WH supplied my credit card info to the OW did not go un-noted, btw. 

Oh, and when I found the secret phone, I also found out that not only was then-WH reading everything I was posting on SI, he had also told his whore about it, and she was cyber-stalking me. I’ll admit, once I knew about that, I had a little fun with it, mostly by posting misleading information. It may not have made any difference, nor had any impact, but it amused me. And that’s all that mattered to me.

Okay, so onto what got me through this shit-storm. 

I told my sister almost right away, within the first week of catching xWH. She’s my big sister. She’s got my back no matter what. Hilariously, at one point xWH actually thought she’d understand and take his side, because she knows how much of a bitch I can be. Yeah, like that was ever going to happen. XWH really is an idiot. 

I told some friends irl, about a month after d-day#1 but before d-day#2. I hadn’t intended to tell them, but we had a mom’s night out and I ended up just blurting it out. It was early days, and as it turned out, I didn’t have most of the truth anyway, but I ended up getting empathy and support from my friends that I hadn’t realized I needed.

I also found SI about a month after d-day#1. I still did almost everything wrong, including the 180. But I read, and read some more and kept reading, and finally what I was reading began to sink in. How else do you think I knew to go looking for a secret cell phone? All while I thought pretended to myself we were in R, the red flags had been waving, and when I was finally ready to see them, what I had learned on SI clicked in. The 180? I mastered it. Going NC? Got that down too.  

Not only had I learned about the lengths cheaters will go to continue cheating, but I learned what remorse truly looks like. I learned how to tell the difference between remorse, and guilt. I saw that anonymous people online were more concerned about my health and emotional well-being than the man who was my husband was. I saw that my reactions to then-WH’s actions were normal. I saw that then-WH’s actions were not unusual. In fact, what he was doing and how he was acting was pretty much straight out of the cheater’s handbook. It wasn’t just me. I wasn’t the crazy one. 

Once ex left, I told anyone who would listen. I also joined an irl divorce support group, because I was tired of dumping my shit on my friends. They were still willing to listen, and they continue to be supportive, but I needed the time with them to be about something else, at this point. 

One thing that was a bit unusual though, was that my self-esteem didn’t take the hit that many BS’s do, after d-day #1. It actually improved. I look back now, and see that I had taken that hit, before I found out about ex cheating on me. But it was as if finding out answered some question I hadn’t known I had, and something started making sense that hadn’t made sense before. It had a lot to do with me having taken on blame and responsibility for things in my marriage that suddenly I knew I wasn’t responsible for. I remember wailing to my then-WH that I didn’t understand why he didn’t like me as I am, that other people liked me, why couldn’t he? And that was it. Other people liked me and accepted me for who I was. I liked the me I was around these people. But then I’d go home, and become this other me, and I didn’t much like her. That me acted differently. I kept parts of herself tucked away, because I was afraid to let them out and be the real me around now-ex. I was afraid he wouldn’t accept me for who I really was. And I was right. But then again, he didn’t accept me for who he wanted me to be either. 

I realized I had been basing my acceptance of who I am on my then-WH’s opinion of me. Well hell, he was a liar and a cheater. His opinion lost all its validity in my eyes. I couldn’t trust anything he said, so why should I believe his opinion of me? I started looking at myself through my own eyes, for the first time in a very long time. I like myself, and I finally let it show to everyone, but especially to myself. 

Alrighty then, where were we? I think I pretty much covered support, and the belief part was about accepting myself and believing in who I was even though ex didn’t, or maybe especially so because he didn’t (yep, I’m kinda contrary that way too). 

So, on to the talisman part. I didn’t intend this to become a talisman when I bought it. But it did, and I’m incredibly glad something compelled me to buy it when I did.  Several months after d-day#1, I had to do my Christmas shopping. Long story short, I ended up buying myself a necklace that had a small charm on it. The charm says Dream on one side and Live Your Dreams on the other. When I got home from shopping, I put it away in a drawer. It wasn’t until months later, after ex left, and as I was heading back to college for the first time in 25 years, that I took the necklace out of the drawer, and wore it for the first time.  I found myself reaching up and touching the charm, a lot. And every time I touched it, I would remind myself that I was strong, I would get through this, and my dreams were worth pursuing. 

Do I believe my necklace has some magical powers? No, I don’t. But it is something that allows me to focus my thoughts and energy, and reminds me that my dreams aren’t foolish, and that I’m worthy of having those dreams come true. 

And now I also wear a bracelet that matches my necklace, because the man who is now my boyfriend heard the story of why I wear my Dream necklace. He found a bracelet that finishes the Live Your Dream quote, and gave it to me on our first weekend together. It is such an incredible feeling to know that someone cares about you enough to want you to follow your dreams, and succeed. 

I don’t know that I actually accomplished what I set out to write this morning. This was originally going to be a post for SI, to offer some encouragement to those who are much newer to their journey of dealing with infidelity. But I ended up even wordier than I expected, so it’s going to be just a blog entry now, instead of being posted both places. I guess I’ll come up with something else for SI. But I have accomplished something – peace of mind, maybe…a bit more clarity of thought…perhaps simply a release of some of the negativity I’ve allowed to take hold of me lately.

My horoscope today on dailyom.com talked about letting go of fear and focusing on the joy and blessings in my life. Not really much of a horoscope, but it is advice that makes sense. I know I’m still dealing with residual abandonment issues, but ya know what? It’s been 2 years since ex walked out on me, and I’m not only still standing, I’m standing taller than I was before he left. Why should I have fears about abandonment when it’s already happened, and I know I can, and will, survive?  

and while I'm here...

let me just bitch a bit about work. I was just checking the stats of the blog, and blogger/google is kind enough to show a breakdown of the browsers of those who visit my blog. 69% of you use firefox, btw.

but that's not the point of this. I'm complaining about work, remember? seeing the stats just reminded me of something about work to bitch about, that's all. :P

did you know that there are people out there that still use AOL as a browser? and yes, I'm serious. I have to deal with one of our customers at work (I work for a software company with a web-based product) who insists our program should work perfectly on AOL. I swear to god, I want to bitch-slap this man through the phone every time I have to talk to him. No matter how many times or ways we tell him that the program works best on firefox, he comes back with "AOL is still in the top 10 search engines." Um yeah...whatever...listen, old fart...learn to use the internet like a real person. you'll get so much more out of it. really.

oh, and if I haven't said this anywhere before, I'm the CSR (customer service rep) for the company. what can I say? it's a small company. a very small company. my supervisor does help out, but it becomes more and more obvious each day that the reason she hired me was because she was really tired of dealing with the customers herself. and now that I'm trained well enough, and up to speed on most everything about how the program works, I get to deal with 95% of customer service stuff.

including tech stuff unrelated to our software/website/program. yeah, this is me...tech support....bwahahaha...

okay, so I know my way around a computer a bit, and I'm obviously very comfortable using the mighty interwebz. but I'm not techie enough to be able to fix a printer remotely. just sayin'...

alrighty...I seem to be in a rambling, wordy kind of mood tonight, so who knows, maybe I'll be back again later. but for now I think I'm going back to wandering around the blog settings, and possibly adding some links, etc.

this whole week sucked...

I am finally feeling better today, but man was this week tough.

I'm coming up on the 2 year mark of when ex walked out on the kids and me, and it's triggering me a lot more than I expected it would. It's not even about him. Not really. It's not about missing ex, or caring about him, or wanting him in my life. I truly cannot picture that man as part of my life anymore.

No, this is about the feelings of being abandoned, of my children being walked out on by their own father, who couldn't see beyond his own selfishness to say goodbye and offer explanations or apologies before he went to work one day, and never came home again. It's about the WTF feelings - I mean really, who in the hell actually packs up their shit in secret, goes off the work after kissing his wife goodbye and telling her he loves her, all while planning to never come home again? It's just all so stereotypical and cliche that it can't help but make you go...WTF?, right?

Anyway, I finally released some of what I was feeling in words last night, and it made a big difference. Today was a better day.

Mondays suck...

yeah I know...not exactly earthshattering news. lol but I felt the need to share, anyway. :p

if today was any indication, this week is going to drag.

weirdly enough, I got to work today to discover that my supervisor moved her computer to another desk. we had been sitting in the same corner of the office since I started, at a 90 degree angle to each other. I've been feeling like she's constantly looking over my shoulder, even when I know she's not. I guess she was feeling it too, because she moved to a smaller desk, but one that's slightly hidden behind a new partition.I can't say I blame her. The whole sitting in the middle of the fishbowl where everyone can see you all the time is very draining. I'd love to have some walls or a cube to call my own.

Oh well, at least I have a little bit of separation, and a lot more work space to now call my own. It may not be much, but I'll take it.

oh, and something positive, too...

I still need to talk to an adviser, but I've pretty much decided to abandon the "back to work" Associates degree program I was working on at the community college. Instead I'm going to see about going back to the University and finishing out my original degree. Well, close to it. I'd like to do the general Communications one, rather than the Journalism specific one.

We'll see how it goes. I need to do a bit more research, see how much I'd be able to take online, etc. and make an appointment with an adviser.  But when I'm (finally) a college graduate, I'd much prefer it to be with a degree that I've had to work for. It'll mean so much more. :)

on the subject of...whine

I'm feeling whiny. It's my own damn fault. PMS is rearing its ugly head because I've been feeding it with a lack of exercise, way too much caffeine, and lots of not healthy eating. Add in some financial stress, a really messy house I don't want to clean, people that I love and are important to me that I worry about, plus the too hot summer weather and yeah, that's a recipe for PMS disaster where I'm concerned.

I wanna run away. Or replace my vehicle. Or eat some chocolate. Or at least go shoe shopping.

Okay, so I really want to do all of the above. Not going to happen. (See "financial stress" mentioned above.) Except maybe the eating chocolate part. :P

I know that whining isn't going to help anything. I know that this too shall pass. I know that over all, I have a pretty positive outlook for my life. But I still have this overwhelming urge to whine. I hate PMS.

Ugh! Sometime really soon I'm going to need to pull up my big girl panties again and take control of my life again, instead of drifting on auto-pilot. I'm getting too whiny for me to listen to myself anymore.  

well now, that was embarrassing...

visiting my boyfriend this weekend. we went out Friday night with friends for dinner and then to see my boyfriend's son play at the piano bar where he works.

guess boyfriend and I were a little too obvious in our smooching, because the son not only saw us, but razzed us about it later.

oops! <insert very embarrassed smiley here> lol

okay, as embarrassing as it was to get caught making out in public by my boyfriend's 20-something yr old son, I'm glad the son was comfortable enough with us and our relationship to give us a hard time about it.

so this goes in the "it's a good thing" column. :)

just....weird

I actually told someone today that I hoped ex was happy, and I meant real happy, not the sarcastic all the happiness he deserves with the psycho bitch happy I usually mean.

It was weird to hear that come out of my mouth. I hadn't intended to say. It just sort of flowed out as a natural part of the conversation.

Gotta admit though, the reply back was gratifying, especially since I was talking to someone who didn't know me while married, has never met ex and hasn't a clue what he's like irl. What this person said was along the lines that it sounded like ex was someone who didn't get that he was responsible for his own happiness.

And then to add to the weirdness, I had dinner tonight with a friend, someone who knew me and ex as a couple, and as parents. She's very firmly in my corner, and has been since she found out, which was sometime not long after ex walked out on the kids and me.

The conversation tonight went all over the place - we had a lot of catching up to do. And my friend told me how mad she had been at ex when she found out about him cheating and the way he left, and how she probably still is mad at him, because she thought we were the one couple who were so good together shit like this would never happen.

Sigh

Had several realizations after that. The first one - I'm pretty guilty of rewriting marital history too. Maybe not as intentionally, but it sure was easier to focus on the bad times instead of trying to remember the good times. The second one - I covered up way too much for ex, and made way too many excuses. And three - nobody really knows what a relationship is like, from the outside. Oh, I guess we can add four - that ex fooled a lot more people than just me into thinking he was a good guy.

I feel like maybe I've cleared one of the last few hurdles of this marathon. Another level of acceptance, maybe? Someone suggested I've possibly reached indifference. I suppose that could be it.

Not a bad thing, at all, any of what happened today. Just...weird...

more stressed than I want to think about

was told the other night that I'm probably more stressed than I want to admit. I agreed, but now I don't, sort of.

it's not that I don't want to admit it, it's that I don't want to think about it. thinking about how stressed I am, and the causes of that stress more or less paralyzes me. the incredible urge to either just run away or be rescued from my problems really comes out if I think too much. so does a lot of self-doubt. and then I feel all whiny and whatnot.

which sucks.

and is self-defeating.

well shit. I can't even decide if I want to whine tonight, or talk myself out of this crappy mood I'm in.

marriage

had a somewhat disjointed chat with SO tonight about a conversation I had today with someone else about marriage after divorce.

the original conversation basically boils down to "it's scary thinking about marriage again, after a divorce."

the conversation with my boyfriend went all over the place, perhaps because we both might have been avoiding being definite about anything to do with marriage. I'm not sure about him, but I know I was.

it's a tricky subject.

theoretically, I believe in marriage. I don't know that I want to be married. I don't know that I don't want to be married, either. I know I don't need to be married to be in a committed relationship. so, I do believe in the concept of marriage, or as my boyfriend put it, a formal expression of commitment. I'll admit it, the thought has crossed my mind, a lot. sometimes I can very clearly picture it. other times, it scares the shit out of me.

despite everything, I still also believe in the symbols of marriage, in particular wedding rings. realistically though, I know better. wearing a wedding ring means shit to a lot of people. but to me, it's an outward symbol of an inward commitment.

I do believe in two people making a commitment to one another, whether it's in a legal marriage or not. I like the idea of having an outward, recognizable sign of that commitment. maybe it's because I'm female and because I like jewelry. but I think that's just a small part of it. even though I know plenty of other people don't view it the same way, I still see a ring as part of the boundaries of the commitment.

sigh, it's scary thinking about marriage, after a divorce...

more fuckery from the grand poobah

honestly, I don't know why I keep expecting better behavior from him. you'd think by now it would be deeply ingrained in my brain to have the lowest of low expectations. but somehow, when it comes to our kids, I still somehow expect the grand poobah of fuckery to do what's right.

inevitably, that doesn't happen.

I went from being angry about it earlier today, to just kind of numb, to kinda depressed.

how could I possibly have ever thought this selfish, sorry excuse for a man would be a good father? the only reason he was any type of father at all when we were married was because I created opportunities and nagged/pushed him into them. well, at least in the last 10 years of the marriage. when the kids were small, their dad seemed much more engaged in being a dad.

and now he's this...grand poobah of fuckery...
his kids seem to neither like nor respect him. one of them has even said how stupid his dad is.

so once again, I'm being the parent, doing damage control, and making sure my kids are okay.

conversation with a teenage boy

talked with younger son for quite a while yesterday. the conversation wandered all over the place. at one point son actually said he enjoyed that it did that, and mentioned that he can't have these types of conversations with his age peers.

it kinda broke my heart.

son is struggling to find a place he fits into, and he has yet to find intellectual peers that he also likes as people. it does not help any that he spend the last couple of years being angry, and that anger came out in the form of heavy sarcasm. not that I think he had any real friends at the place where he took some classes, but I do think he alienated any potential friends there may have been. and son has been so anti-social on top of the sarcasm that he's pushed away the few friends that  he has.

he's aware of this, how anti-social he has been. he's the one that brought it up in our conversation. he's wondering if it's at the unhealthy stage or not. I think we both knew that if he's wondering that, it is.

now, I just need to figure out what to do about that...

next reading assignment

This is one of those books that I heard of a while ago, and knew I should read it, but didn't want to because I knew I'd see my marriage mapped out. I'm finally at the point I can read it without curling into a ball and sobbing...no, really, I've been past that point. I just hadn't gotten around to ordering the book until now.

Anyway, next up on the work on me book list is he's just not that into you. Yep, the book that became the movie. Yep, the book about how to tell when a guy just isn't into you. Like I said, for the longest time I was afraid to read it, because I really didn't want to learn just how much my now-ex wasn't into me. After all, I did finally get some clues when I caught him cheating. Okay, so the clues were kinda big, like 2x4 big. But I did finally catch on. Did I really need it spelled out in black and white?

At that point, well no, I didn't. But I really do wish this book had been around decades ago, and I had read it another lifetime ago. One of the key points in chapter 2 that really stood out for me:

If he creates expectations for you, and then doesn't follow through on little things, he will do the same for big things. Be aware of this and realize he's okay with disappointing you.

Wow! Just wow! Definitely hit this point before I got engaged to ex, and quite probably it was a part of the entire relationship.

Okay, onward and upward. I get the feeling there's going to be the big neon "he wasn't that into you" sign in each and every chapter of this book. Seriously, how in the hell did I ever manage to get married to this guy?

it really was me, and not him

No, I don't mean about the cheating. That's all on the ex. And I've already owned my shit when it comes to the issues in the marriage. Most definitely some of them were my fault, and I'm working on changing those behaviors in myself.

What I'm talking about is the direction my life went, during the marriage. The things I did, or didn't do, for whatever reason. It's easy to think and say now, that the ex was the one holding me back. Especially when I see all the changes I've made, and how strong I've had to be, since he left. But no, it was me. I held myself back. Usually, it was out of fear. Fear of change, fear of the unknown, fear of getting out of my comfort zone.

It was also lack of confidence in myself. And a pessimistic, cynical attitude. I didn't realize how much my negativity affected me.

Did the ex play a role in it? Sure, because he was the other part of the marriage dynamic - the dysfunctional marriage dynamic. But I'm the one who, for the most part, chose to stay on the safe path, who chose to wait "until later" to have the life I wanted, to go back to school, take the vacations I wanted, etc, etc, and so forth. Yep, I'm the one who chose to put the real me, the authentic me, up there in the far corner of the top shelf in the closet, to collect dust.

Ultimately it has to come down to me. Yes, there are circumstances that have an major impact on the choices we make in life. And yes, we can't always do what we want, when we want.  But that doesn't mean we should stop being who we really are meant to be.

Just another one of those not fun to learn but invaluable life lessons I've learned in the past few years...

what a day, and it's only noon...

here I am procrastinating again, after having a somewhat productive start to my day.

I tackled the attic today. Nope, didn't get anything done up there, but I actually made it into the attic, for the first time since Jan 2010. It wasn't as bad as I expected. Oh, don't get me wrong. It's bad, just not in the way I expected. There's a lot of junk up there that needs to be cleaned out, but stuff that's supposed to be up there still is. But at least the demon has been faced, and I know what I need to do. It's probably not going to happen any time soon. It's getting a bit warm already to be cleaning out the attic, plus it looks like I'll need to get a small dumpster or call 1-800- Got-Junk to haul all the crap away. I'm officially declaring this a project for the fall.

I also started tackling some much needed yard work, and ended up talking to my neighbor about the fence between our houses. He's offered to replace it, and told me they'd cover the cost and do the work. While I really appreciate it, there's a part of me that is freaking out over it. I'm still struggling with accepting help. It makes me anxious when I think I should be able to handle something, even when it's obvious I can't. It bothers me that I can't pay my share, even though he's not asking for it. I'm not even exactly sure what I'm feeling, but after I talked to my neighbor, I had to come in the house because I was ready to sob.

I think it may boil down to feeling a sense of inadequacy and incompetence. Definitely need to do some work on these issues.

On the plus side, I did get my basil plant re-potted, so it should be happier now. I got some stuff done in the yard, and even better, I got the name of my neighbor's yard guy.

Okay, maybe after some lunch I can get back to being productive.

wow, pretty cool!

I don't typically log into blogger to post. I use an add-on in firefox to manage my blogs instead. So it was a bit of a surprise to see that I can check the stats for the blog now. And hey, as it turns out, occasionally people actually are reading here. That's pretty cool.

I've never really written for an audience. It really is all about me, just blurting out whatever I've needed to blurt out at the time.. And seriously, it's not like people are speeding over the interwebz to read whatever profound thing (:p) it is I've written. But still, it is nice to know that sometimes, other people do read this blog. Thank you! :)
 

I said the magic words

yep, told my teenagers that we needed to catch up on household chores this weekend, and ta-da, like magic, the boys disappeared.

I'm getting a bit resentful here. I realize that they're used to me having been home all of their lives, but they are old enough to know that things change, and with mom working now, things have to change. I'm tired of cleaning up their messes, especially in the kitchen. I'm tired of having to clear the counter and wash the pots and pans I need first, if I want to fix myself a meal.

I know this is one area their dad and I failed at, in parenting. The boys learned the ignore and hide act they do so well from their dad. But I enabled that, by not insisting the boys do their chores on a consistent basis. I'm a great one for thinking it's just easier to do myself than start a battle. Which is now biting me in the ass.

Of course, that only makes my frustration and resentment grow. And it's not getting my kitchen clean, either. <sigh>

flattered, or icked out?

went to a college open house/tour day with my two teenage sons, and while I was walking around the campus with them, I got checked out by a group of 5 college boys. As in, boys not much older than my 19 year old. (see, potential ick right there :P)

Now, if I had been with teenage girls, I'd get that it wasn't me these boys were looking at. But there were no teenage girls around, and this was more than obvious. I saw all of their heads turn towards me at the same time. Seeing as they had been behind us as I went up a flight of stairs, then they walked on another path that got them ahead of us before I saw them look, I would surmise there had been some discussion.

Really not sure about being flattered or icked out at this point...

Honestly, all I could think at the time was I sure hope my sons are as oblivious to this as they seem to be.

onto the next...

book, that is. I've finished the Brene Brown books, finally. Excellent reads, both of them, although a bit difficult for me to process at times. Not the content of the books, but how it applies directly to me. Had some moments of "I don't want to deal with this" which of course means there's something there for me to deal with and I wanted to run from it. But also had plenty of "hey, I'm already on this path" moments as well, which shows me my hard work over the past few years is paying off.

So, in the interest of continuing to have the hard work pay off, at the recommendation of my boyfriend, I am now reading No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover. My boyfriend and I are determined to have a healthy relationship, and to nurture it, and ourselves. He read this book as part of his hard work of putting his life back together after his marriage blew up, and he thought I would gain some insight from reading it. So I am.

It's a remarkably easy read. I wasn't sure what to expect before I started it, but there's a lot of good insight in the book. Some of it, such as about issues that can manifest from childhood abandonment, and what constitutes abandonment issues, is relevant for males and females alike. But the book really is for men, and about men. It's also good for women who love and are in a relationship with a former "Nice Guy."

It's interesting, and reassuring, to see how my boyfriend's and my journeys of healing have lead us towards the same direction - being our genuine selves and leading authentic lives. 

got my first paycheck :D

It kind of makes this whole working for a living seem a whole lot more real. Not that it's a ton of money, but actually getting a paycheck for the first time in almost 20 years seems like it should be a momentous occasion.

had a fabulous weekend

Despite my wordiness on Friday, I really did have a great weekend. It was great to have enough quiet time where I could just write down what I felt, when I felt like it. However, I did learn that writing in Word, the copying/pasting into ScribeFire to upload to the blog after the fact makes the formatting wonky. I think I've got that all fixed now.

I read. I wrote. I hiked. I took pictures. I napped. I spent as much time with my boyfriend as possible. We stayed at a luxury hotel. We went to a fabulous party. We er...napped, a lot. :P

It was so hard to say goodbye, but I've got some wonderful memories to hold onto, until next month.

who has earned the right to hear my story?

I’m back to reading The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown, and at the end of the chapter entitled The Things That Get in the Way, she writes that our stories are not meant for everyone, that hearing them is a privilege.

Despite the fact that I’m throwing my story out here in the blogosphere, and allowing anyone who wanders by to read/hear my story, I completely agree with what Brene Brown says.

As my marriage was crumbling, and I was desperately trying to shore up the foundation by myself, I gave my husband the privilege of reading my story simply because he was my husband, and I thought it would help our marriage if he knew my story. He abused that privilege by sharing my struggles, pain, and devastation with his other woman/girlfriend/homewrecking whore. His justification for that was that I was already sharing it all, so why couldn’t he? He also said as soon as he did it, he knew it was wrong. But he didn’t tell me that he did it until months later, when I caught him still cheating, still having his affair, and still looking me in the eye and lying to me.

The outrage I felt upon finding out that I had been sharing my story with the whore that was destroying my family was exactly because she wasn’t privileged to hear my story. She’s the last person on earth I would have chosen to share it with. The audacity and stupidity of my then-husband for thinking this whore was good enough to learn how I feel still astonishes me. That I thought my then-husband was worthy of the privilege of hearing my story astonishes me even more.

feeling vulnerable right now

I feel like I’m on the brink of some new self-discovery or self-knowledge, one that I’ve been processing for a while, and one that’s not done percolating in my thought processes yet, either. I know some of the sense of vulnerability is because there have been some big changes in my life again, recently. I’m not even close to being adjusted to the changes yet, even though they’re changes I wanted to make.

This is a scary place to be.

just....move

Went out for a hike this morning while my boyfriend had to attend work related meetings. I’ve been feeling antsy since I started working, but haven’t quite figured out the whole new life/work schedule yet, so this hike was good for me in more ways than one. It showed me that one of the things I’ve been antsy about is getting more physical activity than I’ve been getting. So now I know I need to make exercise more of a priority than I have been, and I
need to create an after work schedule that works for me, rather than just letting it happen. I think my bike is calling me.

Back to my hike now, though - I had my camera, and was trying to find some interesting nature shots to take, on different settings, so I can keep learning about my camera and photography. I'll have to wait until I get home to see how the pictures came out, since I'm mostly shooting raw instead of jpeg.

When I first made plans to meet my boyfriend for this weekend, I had visions of how good it would be for us. I didn’t realize how much I needed this weekend, for me, so I can be better for the “us.”

sigh

Met one of those women last night, you know, the ones that apparently seem to dismiss other women at first glance, unless they have a specific use for them.  Now, I only met this woman for a brief moment, and honestly I don’t even remember her name or exactly what she looks like, but her dismissive attitude towards me must have stuck with me because it came to mind this morning. It dawns on me now that it could be impersonally personal, as in she thinks she knows something about the situation between me, my boyfriend, and our exes. But she seemed to have plenty of respect for my boyfriend, so I doubt that’s the case. It was odd though, because when I introduced myself she said she knew what my name was.

And really, it’s not important. I’ve certainly been discounted and dismissed before, and I have no doubt it’ll happen again. It’s not like my feelings were hurt. But it is interesting, from a people-watching perspective. When my kids were young, and I saw other children behaving in public in ways I didn’t find acceptable, I would point that out to my kids as examples of what not to do. That’s how I’m looking at this now, as a behavior I saw in another person that is an example of a behavior I don’t want to emulate.

scatterbrained

I hope it's just because my brain is on overload with learning the new job, but I feel like I've been even more scatterbrained than normal. That is not a good thing. So far nothing catastrophic has happened. I think the worst thing has been that I forgot to pay my internet/u-verse bill. Good thing for me that AT&T has plenty of ways to remind me. lol

What bugs me more though, is that I've thought of several good things to write about, but couldn't do it at the moment I thought of them, and now I have absolutely no idea what those thoughts were. All I remember is thinking "oh, this would be great for the blog." 

I guess this is why people tweet instead. sigh. I think I'm much too wordy for twitter, though.

Okay, off to write up a to do list, so I don't forget to do something important like have clean clothes to wear to work next week.

should be sleeping

I'm tired. I have to get up in the morning. Yet, I'm not sleeping. <sigh>

I've got a jumble of thoughts bouncing around inside my head. I can't quite seem to focus on any one of them long enough to have a complete thought. Obviously I'm processing something, most likely getting a job and working. But it'd be nice if I could think more coherently so that I could write about some of what I'm thinking.

this is it

I'm really heading back into the world of working for a paycheck.  I had an interview last week, and they called me with an offer today.  Obviously, I've accepted. :D 

It's been almost 19 years to the day since I last had a paying job outside the home.  I've been so incredibly fortunate to have been able to spend so many years at home with my kids.  But now it's time for things to change.  As necessary as this one is though, it is a good change.  It's a change I wanted to make, and one that I not only had a say in, but I got to steer the ship in this direction. 

It's still a huge change, exciting but nerve-wracking, which is why I'm still awake when I should be sleeping, seeing as I now have to get up at o'dark thirty four days a week, starting tomorrow. Eek! 

what came first, the chicken or the egg?

I came across an interesting website today You Are Not Crazy and the name of it jumped out at me because after my ex had been gone from the house for a couple of months, I realized I was off the crazy-making train.  There was so many things in that relationship that were crazy-making and that I assumed responsibility or blame for, but after ex left, those issues were gone.  Sure, some of the still were and are my responsibility.  I'm the only one who can control myself, and I often didn't do such a great job of that.  But I was off the crazy-making train.  I wasn't being made to think I was crazy.  I think I was so relieved at being off that train, that I didn't look any further.  Of course, I was also dealing with a prolonged divorce, and all the shit that went with that.  Turns out, I wasn't completely off that crazy train yet.  But I did recognize the attempts to make it my fault for being the crazy one.  I just didn't fully understand what those attempts were.

So, I went to this website today because someone mentioned that it was about verbal abuse, and it's been a concern of mine that I had been verbally abusive towards ex during the marriage.  I'm quick with the sarcasm, and I can use words as weapons when I choose.  Regrettably, I chose too often in my marriage.  Anyway, I wanted to see what I could learn.

I didn't expect to see what I did.  I went, yet again assuming the blame for something in the relationship and looking for a way to correct that in myself, and instead saw sign after sign of having been in an abusive relationship, as the abused.  It was sobering, and more than a little sad.  Yet it was also freeing, to see it in writing that I hadn't been crazy, it wasn't just me.  Things really were not good in this marriage, and it wasn't all my fault.  In a way it was proof of just how much I had changed over the years, because of how ex acted towards me. 

Until the day I discovered ex had cheated on me, I never would have thought of him as someone who was an abuser.  I still don't think most of what he did was a deliberate act.  Rather, I think it was learned behavior and he simply didn't know any better.  Hell, I didn't know any better, until today.  Oh sure, I knew I had a cutting way with words, and I knew I used a certain tone of voice when I spoke with the ex during the last 5 years or so of the marriage.  Funny how that corresponds to the time frame that he admitted to cheating during.  But I wouldn't have ever considered either of us to be abusive.  Even after I caught him cheating, I thought we had communication issues.  Yeah, I suppose you could call verbal abuse a communication issue. <rme>

I talked this over a bit with my boyfriend, in the abstract. Actually, the question I first posed to him was "do you think two people can be in a relationship and not realize how destructive it is?"  and he replied back with something along the lines that dysfunction can cross the line into abuse, and that it can happen so slowly over a period of time that you don't notice it happening.  I think that describes my marriage pretty well.  Neither the ex nor I had appropriate skills for handling conflict so over the years, the dysfunction crossed the line into abuse. 

One really scary thing about all this is I suspect it crossed the line much earlier than I want to believe. 

introspection pays off

I got a 100 on my paper. Granted, I suspect the grading standards aren't necessarily as high as they should be, but hey, I'm not complaining. I don't have any problems taking the 100. lol

Even better than the grade was the comment my professor made. She said something along the lines that I was an exceptional woman with a lot of strength. I tend not to view myself as exceptional, but it is very nice to be recognized for how strong I've had to be, in this life so far. 

okay, introspective paper is done

I may tweak it a little before I turn it in, but my term paper is done. Hopefully it's introspective enough for my professor. If it's not, oh well, such is life.

wow, I got there in my head

I have this tendency to over-think things. I also have conversations in my head as a way to prepare me for situations I might find myself in. I'd rather know what I was going to say ahead of time, than be put on the spot, kwim?

Just nod and say yes, even if you don't. It'll make me feel like I'm less nuts than I really am. <laugh>

Anyway, I'll be going with my boyfriend to his company's huge annual event next month, and since I want to make a good impression, etc, etc, I've been spending a lot of time thinking about it and having conversations in my head. Including the one where I possibly have to explain meeting my boyfriend while I was in the process of getting a divorce.

I realized, for the first time in these pretend conversations I have, that I was able to describe the end of my marriage without anger or pain. True, I was using some of the more trite phrases like "we just wanted different things from the marriage" and was picturing me rolling my eyes as I said it, but still, it's a far way from what I used to say, in my head. A definite improvement, I'd have to say.

being introspective

I have to write a paper for one of my classes. It's supposed to be an honest, introspective look at myself, answering three questions  - who am I, where have I been, and where am I going?

It's actually going to be a fairly easy paper to write. I was able to do most of the rough draft in less than an hour. Of course, I have the advantage of having examined most of my life in minute detail over the past 2 1/2 years. So really, all it comes down to now is deciding what to include and what to leave out.

How much am I willing to share?

backtracking, sort of

I got Brene Brown's other book, I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't), yesterday and decided to read it first, before I continue reading The Gifts of Imperfection, since she wrote it first. So far it's a tougher read, in terms of recognizing things in myself that she's writing about that are tough to see in oneself.

It's all part of my journey of self discovery though, so it's all good.

I Am Enough

It started when a friend shared a link to this:


There was something about this video, this speaker, this subject, that made me stop and think. I've been on this journey to rediscover and recreate myself, and hearing what Brene Brown has to say on this TED talk made me think about myself, and my journey.

So I wanted to learn more about what this woman had to say. I "liked" her on facebook, I follow her blog, Ordinary Courage. When I saw she had a new PBS special I had to watch it. And then of course, I had to get the book the show was based on. So now I'm reading The Gifts of Imperfection. I just started it last night, but so far it's an excellent read. 

Let me leave you with a quote from the beginning of the introduction of the book, Wholehearted Living.

Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough. It's going to bed at night thinking, Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn't change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging.

I am enough. Aren't you, too?

lifestyle change seems to be working

I'm eating more protein, and losing weight without really trying. Woohoo!

Several of my friends, including my boyfriend, are getting into the paleo diet lifestyle.  That's a bit extreme for me, but that's more about me not wanting to give up certain foods than it is about whether following a paleo diet works or not.  Certainly, there are things about the diet that make sense, a whole lot of sense.  Eating more protein is one of those things.

I've known for a long time that not eating enough protein makes me crave the carbs more.  I suppose it's really that not eating enough protein means I eat more carbs, and the more carbs I eat, the more I want.  When I fill up with protein, I don't eat nearly as much carbs.

I'm really talking about the white sugar/white flour kind of carbs. The box or 5 of Girl Scout cookies.  The bag of Hershey's kisses that's gone before I know it.  The macaroni and cheese that's great comfort food. The staples of PMS.  Yeah, I'm sure you get the picture.

A while ago, at my boyfriend's recommendation, I picked up a book called Why We Get Fat by Gary Taubes.  It's not a diet book, per se, but there is a basic diet plan included.  This is what I've been following for the past few weeks.  I haven't stuck to it rigorously.  But I have made sure I'm eating a lot more protein daily than I used to, and it's making a difference.  The numbers on the scale are dropping.  :D

adjusting to a new normal, again

Sometimes you don't realize how truly spoiled you are by something, until that something is no longer there.

Being in a long distance relationship, I've been so fortunate to be able to have daily, almost unlimited chat/IM contact with my boyfriend. I've been at home, taking online classes and he's worked from home for a while now. We usually check in with one another at least once a day, in addition to our usual hours long evening chat.

All that's changing. My boyfriend will be traveling weekly to a client site. He's going to be more than a bit busy there for a while. I'm thrilled for him for the opportunity, but I'm really going to miss being able to chat with him whenever I feel like it. All about me much, huh?

Yeah, I know. There are more ways than chat to stay in touch. We've talked about it. If you hadn't noticed, we're pretty big on the communication, the two of us. lol  So there's a plan. We will find ways to have at least some daily contact, although we both realize there simply won't be the time for as much contact as we're used to. We just have to adjust to a new normal, again. 

had one of those moments today

ya know, one of those moments of clarity, when something from the past suddenly makes so much more sense, now that you have the proper context to put it in.

I really dislike that I got played for such a fool by the ex, but my moment of clarity also makes me suspect that at least some of ex's co-workers considered him the fool, instead. 

"cheated but not a cheater"

It's funny, in the not funny sense of the word, the lengths people will go to in order to feel better about themselves.

I can't tell you how many times I've seen that phrase "I cheated but I'm not a cheater."  To all those people, um yeah, you are. Once you cheat, that makes you a cheater. No matter what you want to think, there's no erasing that.

There's moving forward. There's dealing with the aftermath. There's consequences. There's counseling and learning better coping mechanisms and skills. There might even be forgiveness. But there are no do-overs. The line has been crossed. Once you cheat, you're a cheater.

Does what they did have to follow the cheater for the rest of their lives? Maybe, maybe not. Guess that's up to the cheater. But it should, because how else can that person become someone who won't cheat again, unless they're conscious of the fact and accepting that they're a cheater in the first place?

long distance relationships

Sometimes they suck more than usual.  Today would be one of those times. :(

sanctuary, or abyss?

“If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.” ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

Lately I've been wondering if the sanctuary I found to help me deal with and heal from my now ex-husband's infidelity has become an abyss I need to climb out of. 

Welcome 2011

I've been waiting for you to get here. You're going to be an awesome year.