once again, it's all about me :D

I started to answer a post on SI about effort, and my reply quickly turned into an "it's all about me" response, when it should have been about the person who posted in the first place. So I decided to post here what I was going to reply there. Because here really is all about me. lol

The SI poster said: I can still be positive and be divorced, huh?

and I started my reply:

yep, sure can. :grin:

I'm not saying divorce is your answer. Only you can make that call. I am saying that divorce is not the end of the world.

I will also say that I thought I had a decent marriage, until the day my life imploded. It wasn't a great marriage, but I wasn't unhappy.

At least that's what I thought, until ex left and I had time to step back from everything and process and think. Turns out the marriage really wasn't hadn't been all that good for a long time and I hadn't been as happy in it as I liked to think I was. Don't get me wrong. I was mostly happy with my life. But I hadn't been getting the emotional support from the marriage that marriages are supposed to have.

Had ex not left, I would have stayed married to him for the rest of my life. I also would never have found out what I was missing out on.

And now that I have the kind of relationship where I have that emotional support, where I am clearly a priority, where what I feel and what I think matters, I can't for the life of me figure out how I stayed in my marriage as long as I did, and did without this.

Divorce might not seem like it's the answer we want, but sometimes it ends up being the answer we need.

adding some links

you may have noticed I've been adding some links to websites and books on amazon. just wanted to say I'm getting nothing from that, no affiliate programs or anything like that.it's simply books I've either read (so far all but 1) or had highly recommended to me (the 1 I haven't read) that may or may not help someone else. take from it what works for you, if anything.

Support, belief, a talisman…what got me through the shit-storm

This is going to be long. If you’re inclined to read it all, take a potty break first, grab a drink, and make yourself comfortable first. Yep, I’m that wordy. Oh, and since I was initially writing this to post on survivinginfidelity.com, here's a glossary of terms - SI is survivinginfidelity.com (not Sports Illustrated ;) ). Anti-versary is the anniversary of a not-good event such as d-day (discovery day) or the date a WS/H/W (wayward spouse/husband/wife - in other words, the cheater) leaves. OW is the other woman. NC means going no contact. The 180 is...well, it's a technique to where you change your behavior 180 degrees, and go from focusing on/catering to the other person and having them be the priority to making yourself the priority instead. There's more to it than that, but that's the bare-bones basics.

Now on with the actual post...

I know I was whining the other night about having to deal with a 2^nd anti-versary, but I’m actually just about 3 years out from my 1^st d-day. It’s just that from d-day #1 until the day now-ex walked out spanned almost a year, and then to add to things, it took almost another year for my divorce to be finalized. So my anti-versaries are spread all over the calendar and over several years of that calendar as well. 

Anyway, I whined. Now it’s time to focus on the positives, and what helped me make it through the shit-storm ex dumped on me almost 3 years ago. Not that I’m all the way through it, as noted by my whine the other night. But I’m 3 years down this path and into this journey, and that counts for a hell of a lot, at least imo. 

Brief back-story – caught now-ex physically cheating with one OW and sexting with another. The two OW knew about each other. A month after d-day#1, ex confessed to a prior affair. I thought we were trying to R, but ex took the affair way underground. Nine months after d-day#1 I found the secret cell phone. A month and a half after that, he walked out on me and the kids. Turned out he had a vacation planned with the OW, so he had to walk out on his kids with no good bye, no explanations, and no apology. Yeah, he really is a chicken-shit ass. 

Before I found the secret phone, one of the OW somehow got my credit card info, and committed identity fraud. She ordered a bunch of stuff online with my card and had it shipped to me. I filed a police report, and named both OW as possible suspects.  The probability that my then-WH supplied my credit card info to the OW did not go un-noted, btw. 

Oh, and when I found the secret phone, I also found out that not only was then-WH reading everything I was posting on SI, he had also told his whore about it, and she was cyber-stalking me. I’ll admit, once I knew about that, I had a little fun with it, mostly by posting misleading information. It may not have made any difference, nor had any impact, but it amused me. And that’s all that mattered to me.

Okay, so onto what got me through this shit-storm. 

I told my sister almost right away, within the first week of catching xWH. She’s my big sister. She’s got my back no matter what. Hilariously, at one point xWH actually thought she’d understand and take his side, because she knows how much of a bitch I can be. Yeah, like that was ever going to happen. XWH really is an idiot. 

I told some friends irl, about a month after d-day#1 but before d-day#2. I hadn’t intended to tell them, but we had a mom’s night out and I ended up just blurting it out. It was early days, and as it turned out, I didn’t have most of the truth anyway, but I ended up getting empathy and support from my friends that I hadn’t realized I needed.

I also found SI about a month after d-day#1. I still did almost everything wrong, including the 180. But I read, and read some more and kept reading, and finally what I was reading began to sink in. How else do you think I knew to go looking for a secret cell phone? All while I thought pretended to myself we were in R, the red flags had been waving, and when I was finally ready to see them, what I had learned on SI clicked in. The 180? I mastered it. Going NC? Got that down too.  

Not only had I learned about the lengths cheaters will go to continue cheating, but I learned what remorse truly looks like. I learned how to tell the difference between remorse, and guilt. I saw that anonymous people online were more concerned about my health and emotional well-being than the man who was my husband was. I saw that my reactions to then-WH’s actions were normal. I saw that then-WH’s actions were not unusual. In fact, what he was doing and how he was acting was pretty much straight out of the cheater’s handbook. It wasn’t just me. I wasn’t the crazy one. 

Once ex left, I told anyone who would listen. I also joined an irl divorce support group, because I was tired of dumping my shit on my friends. They were still willing to listen, and they continue to be supportive, but I needed the time with them to be about something else, at this point. 

One thing that was a bit unusual though, was that my self-esteem didn’t take the hit that many BS’s do, after d-day #1. It actually improved. I look back now, and see that I had taken that hit, before I found out about ex cheating on me. But it was as if finding out answered some question I hadn’t known I had, and something started making sense that hadn’t made sense before. It had a lot to do with me having taken on blame and responsibility for things in my marriage that suddenly I knew I wasn’t responsible for. I remember wailing to my then-WH that I didn’t understand why he didn’t like me as I am, that other people liked me, why couldn’t he? And that was it. Other people liked me and accepted me for who I was. I liked the me I was around these people. But then I’d go home, and become this other me, and I didn’t much like her. That me acted differently. I kept parts of herself tucked away, because I was afraid to let them out and be the real me around now-ex. I was afraid he wouldn’t accept me for who I really was. And I was right. But then again, he didn’t accept me for who he wanted me to be either. 

I realized I had been basing my acceptance of who I am on my then-WH’s opinion of me. Well hell, he was a liar and a cheater. His opinion lost all its validity in my eyes. I couldn’t trust anything he said, so why should I believe his opinion of me? I started looking at myself through my own eyes, for the first time in a very long time. I like myself, and I finally let it show to everyone, but especially to myself. 

Alrighty then, where were we? I think I pretty much covered support, and the belief part was about accepting myself and believing in who I was even though ex didn’t, or maybe especially so because he didn’t (yep, I’m kinda contrary that way too). 

So, on to the talisman part. I didn’t intend this to become a talisman when I bought it. But it did, and I’m incredibly glad something compelled me to buy it when I did.  Several months after d-day#1, I had to do my Christmas shopping. Long story short, I ended up buying myself a necklace that had a small charm on it. The charm says Dream on one side and Live Your Dreams on the other. When I got home from shopping, I put it away in a drawer. It wasn’t until months later, after ex left, and as I was heading back to college for the first time in 25 years, that I took the necklace out of the drawer, and wore it for the first time.  I found myself reaching up and touching the charm, a lot. And every time I touched it, I would remind myself that I was strong, I would get through this, and my dreams were worth pursuing. 

Do I believe my necklace has some magical powers? No, I don’t. But it is something that allows me to focus my thoughts and energy, and reminds me that my dreams aren’t foolish, and that I’m worthy of having those dreams come true. 

And now I also wear a bracelet that matches my necklace, because the man who is now my boyfriend heard the story of why I wear my Dream necklace. He found a bracelet that finishes the Live Your Dream quote, and gave it to me on our first weekend together. It is such an incredible feeling to know that someone cares about you enough to want you to follow your dreams, and succeed. 

I don’t know that I actually accomplished what I set out to write this morning. This was originally going to be a post for SI, to offer some encouragement to those who are much newer to their journey of dealing with infidelity. But I ended up even wordier than I expected, so it’s going to be just a blog entry now, instead of being posted both places. I guess I’ll come up with something else for SI. But I have accomplished something – peace of mind, maybe…a bit more clarity of thought…perhaps simply a release of some of the negativity I’ve allowed to take hold of me lately.

My horoscope today on dailyom.com talked about letting go of fear and focusing on the joy and blessings in my life. Not really much of a horoscope, but it is advice that makes sense. I know I’m still dealing with residual abandonment issues, but ya know what? It’s been 2 years since ex walked out on me, and I’m not only still standing, I’m standing taller than I was before he left. Why should I have fears about abandonment when it’s already happened, and I know I can, and will, survive?  

and while I'm here...

let me just bitch a bit about work. I was just checking the stats of the blog, and blogger/google is kind enough to show a breakdown of the browsers of those who visit my blog. 69% of you use firefox, btw.

but that's not the point of this. I'm complaining about work, remember? seeing the stats just reminded me of something about work to bitch about, that's all. :P

did you know that there are people out there that still use AOL as a browser? and yes, I'm serious. I have to deal with one of our customers at work (I work for a software company with a web-based product) who insists our program should work perfectly on AOL. I swear to god, I want to bitch-slap this man through the phone every time I have to talk to him. No matter how many times or ways we tell him that the program works best on firefox, he comes back with "AOL is still in the top 10 search engines." Um yeah...whatever...listen, old fart...learn to use the internet like a real person. you'll get so much more out of it. really.

oh, and if I haven't said this anywhere before, I'm the CSR (customer service rep) for the company. what can I say? it's a small company. a very small company. my supervisor does help out, but it becomes more and more obvious each day that the reason she hired me was because she was really tired of dealing with the customers herself. and now that I'm trained well enough, and up to speed on most everything about how the program works, I get to deal with 95% of customer service stuff.

including tech stuff unrelated to our software/website/program. yeah, this is me...tech support....bwahahaha...

okay, so I know my way around a computer a bit, and I'm obviously very comfortable using the mighty interwebz. but I'm not techie enough to be able to fix a printer remotely. just sayin'...

alrighty...I seem to be in a rambling, wordy kind of mood tonight, so who knows, maybe I'll be back again later. but for now I think I'm going back to wandering around the blog settings, and possibly adding some links, etc.

this whole week sucked...

I am finally feeling better today, but man was this week tough.

I'm coming up on the 2 year mark of when ex walked out on the kids and me, and it's triggering me a lot more than I expected it would. It's not even about him. Not really. It's not about missing ex, or caring about him, or wanting him in my life. I truly cannot picture that man as part of my life anymore.

No, this is about the feelings of being abandoned, of my children being walked out on by their own father, who couldn't see beyond his own selfishness to say goodbye and offer explanations or apologies before he went to work one day, and never came home again. It's about the WTF feelings - I mean really, who in the hell actually packs up their shit in secret, goes off the work after kissing his wife goodbye and telling her he loves her, all while planning to never come home again? It's just all so stereotypical and cliche that it can't help but make you go...WTF?, right?

Anyway, I finally released some of what I was feeling in words last night, and it made a big difference. Today was a better day.

Mondays suck...

yeah I know...not exactly earthshattering news. lol but I felt the need to share, anyway. :p

if today was any indication, this week is going to drag.

weirdly enough, I got to work today to discover that my supervisor moved her computer to another desk. we had been sitting in the same corner of the office since I started, at a 90 degree angle to each other. I've been feeling like she's constantly looking over my shoulder, even when I know she's not. I guess she was feeling it too, because she moved to a smaller desk, but one that's slightly hidden behind a new partition.I can't say I blame her. The whole sitting in the middle of the fishbowl where everyone can see you all the time is very draining. I'd love to have some walls or a cube to call my own.

Oh well, at least I have a little bit of separation, and a lot more work space to now call my own. It may not be much, but I'll take it.

oh, and something positive, too...

I still need to talk to an adviser, but I've pretty much decided to abandon the "back to work" Associates degree program I was working on at the community college. Instead I'm going to see about going back to the University and finishing out my original degree. Well, close to it. I'd like to do the general Communications one, rather than the Journalism specific one.

We'll see how it goes. I need to do a bit more research, see how much I'd be able to take online, etc. and make an appointment with an adviser.  But when I'm (finally) a college graduate, I'd much prefer it to be with a degree that I've had to work for. It'll mean so much more. :)

on the subject of...whine

I'm feeling whiny. It's my own damn fault. PMS is rearing its ugly head because I've been feeding it with a lack of exercise, way too much caffeine, and lots of not healthy eating. Add in some financial stress, a really messy house I don't want to clean, people that I love and are important to me that I worry about, plus the too hot summer weather and yeah, that's a recipe for PMS disaster where I'm concerned.

I wanna run away. Or replace my vehicle. Or eat some chocolate. Or at least go shoe shopping.

Okay, so I really want to do all of the above. Not going to happen. (See "financial stress" mentioned above.) Except maybe the eating chocolate part. :P

I know that whining isn't going to help anything. I know that this too shall pass. I know that over all, I have a pretty positive outlook for my life. But I still have this overwhelming urge to whine. I hate PMS.

Ugh! Sometime really soon I'm going to need to pull up my big girl panties again and take control of my life again, instead of drifting on auto-pilot. I'm getting too whiny for me to listen to myself anymore.  

well now, that was embarrassing...

visiting my boyfriend this weekend. we went out Friday night with friends for dinner and then to see my boyfriend's son play at the piano bar where he works.

guess boyfriend and I were a little too obvious in our smooching, because the son not only saw us, but razzed us about it later.

oops! <insert very embarrassed smiley here> lol

okay, as embarrassing as it was to get caught making out in public by my boyfriend's 20-something yr old son, I'm glad the son was comfortable enough with us and our relationship to give us a hard time about it.

so this goes in the "it's a good thing" column. :)

just....weird

I actually told someone today that I hoped ex was happy, and I meant real happy, not the sarcastic all the happiness he deserves with the psycho bitch happy I usually mean.

It was weird to hear that come out of my mouth. I hadn't intended to say. It just sort of flowed out as a natural part of the conversation.

Gotta admit though, the reply back was gratifying, especially since I was talking to someone who didn't know me while married, has never met ex and hasn't a clue what he's like irl. What this person said was along the lines that it sounded like ex was someone who didn't get that he was responsible for his own happiness.

And then to add to the weirdness, I had dinner tonight with a friend, someone who knew me and ex as a couple, and as parents. She's very firmly in my corner, and has been since she found out, which was sometime not long after ex walked out on the kids and me.

The conversation tonight went all over the place - we had a lot of catching up to do. And my friend told me how mad she had been at ex when she found out about him cheating and the way he left, and how she probably still is mad at him, because she thought we were the one couple who were so good together shit like this would never happen.

Sigh

Had several realizations after that. The first one - I'm pretty guilty of rewriting marital history too. Maybe not as intentionally, but it sure was easier to focus on the bad times instead of trying to remember the good times. The second one - I covered up way too much for ex, and made way too many excuses. And three - nobody really knows what a relationship is like, from the outside. Oh, I guess we can add four - that ex fooled a lot more people than just me into thinking he was a good guy.

I feel like maybe I've cleared one of the last few hurdles of this marathon. Another level of acceptance, maybe? Someone suggested I've possibly reached indifference. I suppose that could be it.

Not a bad thing, at all, any of what happened today. Just...weird...