rather unsettling weekend

No question about it, I had a meltdown Saturday night and it was the first one I've had in quite some time. Up until about 3 hours before I ended up curled up in my bed crying, I had been in a great mood. Then, I wasn't and I'm not exactly sure why. I could just feel my mood go downhill.
And then...the tipping point. One last small issue, on top of all the other small issues, and that was it. It was meltdown time.
Now it's Sunday night, and tomorrow morning I have to head to a job I've learned to not particularly like, but I'm in a better mood now.
See, unsettling.
Maybe it's a case of finally seeing that all I've done this weekend outweighed the crap I couldn't do. I don't even care why right now. I'm just glad I'm in a better mood.

so...

it's another day. better than last night, but not great.

I pulled up my big girl panties this morning, and started to deal with what was stressing me out. have a bunch to keep working on, but it's a start.

I still wouldn't mind running away, at least for a while, but I no longer want it to be the solitary journey I was contemplating last night.

 

I feel like running away

It wouldn't solve a damn thing, but hey, I still feel like doing it.

How easy would it be, I wonder, to walk away from my life and all my responsibilities?  How much guilt would I really feel?

date night...with myself

got an unexpected night in the house by myself.

Fortunately for me, I had a bottle of wine in the fridge and a chick flick from netflix. :D

aw, I must be growing up...

An issue involving older son came up today, and it's something ex was responsible for taking care of, and didn't. My first instinct was to get mad, but I just couldn't muster up the energy. The worst I could think of was to call ex an idiot. I must be mellowing in my old age. lol

I know it was just a honest mistake on ex's part, and hopefully it can be fixed with a few phone calls and some paperwork. I probably freaked ex out though, since I texted him on the phone number he never gave me, and I was calm about it too. Even thanked him for saying he'd take care of it.

See, all grown up like, that's me. :p

rolling with the punches

so here I am, on a perfectly wonderful weekend with my boyfriend, and during a bit of downtime, I decide to check some of my "social" networking sites.

yeah well, turns out one of them shows you who looks at your profile.

*sigh*

yep, the ex or someone using his name searched for and looked at mine.

I so did not need to know that. I really didn't need to know that this weekend, and especially not today.

he walked out on me 2 years ago, and in doing so gave up any rights to check up on me, be concerned about me or in any way, shape or form, know about my life. it's just none of his damn business.

yeah, I know. it's a public networking site, I agreed that people could see my profile when I signed up for it...blah, blah, blah...

but I don't want to know that 2 years after he left, the ex is still looking for stuff about me online. I just don't want to know about it. I found out months after the fact that not only he but his psycho bitch from hell OW was reading what I wrote on SI. sure, that's another public online forum, and god knows there are thousands of people on any given day that I don't know about reading what I write. same thing goes for the blog, except the thousands part.

knowing that the ex and whore deliberately went looking for what I wrote - that's what makes it different to me. it wasn't to help me, it wasn't to empathize or try to understand the utter devastation they caused in my life. no, it was to keep tabs on me. it was to use what I was posting against me, as if in some strategic defense. it was cyberstalking.

and now, 2 years later, I can't help but feel that here we go again. I really hope I'm wrong.