next reading assignment

This is one of those books that I heard of a while ago, and knew I should read it, but didn't want to because I knew I'd see my marriage mapped out. I'm finally at the point I can read it without curling into a ball and sobbing...no, really, I've been past that point. I just hadn't gotten around to ordering the book until now.

Anyway, next up on the work on me book list is he's just not that into you. Yep, the book that became the movie. Yep, the book about how to tell when a guy just isn't into you. Like I said, for the longest time I was afraid to read it, because I really didn't want to learn just how much my now-ex wasn't into me. After all, I did finally get some clues when I caught him cheating. Okay, so the clues were kinda big, like 2x4 big. But I did finally catch on. Did I really need it spelled out in black and white?

At that point, well no, I didn't. But I really do wish this book had been around decades ago, and I had read it another lifetime ago. One of the key points in chapter 2 that really stood out for me:

If he creates expectations for you, and then doesn't follow through on little things, he will do the same for big things. Be aware of this and realize he's okay with disappointing you.

Wow! Just wow! Definitely hit this point before I got engaged to ex, and quite probably it was a part of the entire relationship.

Okay, onward and upward. I get the feeling there's going to be the big neon "he wasn't that into you" sign in each and every chapter of this book. Seriously, how in the hell did I ever manage to get married to this guy?

it really was me, and not him

No, I don't mean about the cheating. That's all on the ex. And I've already owned my shit when it comes to the issues in the marriage. Most definitely some of them were my fault, and I'm working on changing those behaviors in myself.

What I'm talking about is the direction my life went, during the marriage. The things I did, or didn't do, for whatever reason. It's easy to think and say now, that the ex was the one holding me back. Especially when I see all the changes I've made, and how strong I've had to be, since he left. But no, it was me. I held myself back. Usually, it was out of fear. Fear of change, fear of the unknown, fear of getting out of my comfort zone.

It was also lack of confidence in myself. And a pessimistic, cynical attitude. I didn't realize how much my negativity affected me.

Did the ex play a role in it? Sure, because he was the other part of the marriage dynamic - the dysfunctional marriage dynamic. But I'm the one who, for the most part, chose to stay on the safe path, who chose to wait "until later" to have the life I wanted, to go back to school, take the vacations I wanted, etc, etc, and so forth. Yep, I'm the one who chose to put the real me, the authentic me, up there in the far corner of the top shelf in the closet, to collect dust.

Ultimately it has to come down to me. Yes, there are circumstances that have an major impact on the choices we make in life. And yes, we can't always do what we want, when we want.  But that doesn't mean we should stop being who we really are meant to be.

Just another one of those not fun to learn but invaluable life lessons I've learned in the past few years...