No, I don't mean about the cheating. That's all on the ex. And I've already owned my shit when it comes to the issues in the marriage. Most definitely some of them were my fault, and I'm working on changing those behaviors in myself.
What I'm talking about is the direction my life went, during the marriage. The things I did, or didn't do, for whatever reason. It's easy to think and say now, that the ex was the one holding me back. Especially when I see all the changes I've made, and how strong I've had to be, since he left. But no, it was me. I held myself back. Usually, it was out of fear. Fear of change, fear of the unknown, fear of getting out of my comfort zone.
It was also lack of confidence in myself. And a pessimistic, cynical attitude. I didn't realize how much my negativity affected me.
Did the ex play a role in it? Sure, because he was the other part of the marriage dynamic - the dysfunctional marriage dynamic. But I'm the one who, for the most part, chose to stay on the safe path, who chose to wait "until later" to have the life I wanted, to go back to school, take the vacations I wanted, etc, etc, and so forth. Yep, I'm the one who chose to put the real me, the authentic me, up there in the far corner of the top shelf in the closet, to collect dust.
Ultimately it has to come down to me. Yes, there are circumstances that have an major impact on the choices we make in life. And yes, we can't always do what we want, when we want. But that doesn't mean we should stop being who we really are meant to be.
Just another one of those not fun to learn but invaluable life lessons I've learned in the past few years...
What I'm talking about is the direction my life went, during the marriage. The things I did, or didn't do, for whatever reason. It's easy to think and say now, that the ex was the one holding me back. Especially when I see all the changes I've made, and how strong I've had to be, since he left. But no, it was me. I held myself back. Usually, it was out of fear. Fear of change, fear of the unknown, fear of getting out of my comfort zone.
It was also lack of confidence in myself. And a pessimistic, cynical attitude. I didn't realize how much my negativity affected me.
Did the ex play a role in it? Sure, because he was the other part of the marriage dynamic - the dysfunctional marriage dynamic. But I'm the one who, for the most part, chose to stay on the safe path, who chose to wait "until later" to have the life I wanted, to go back to school, take the vacations I wanted, etc, etc, and so forth. Yep, I'm the one who chose to put the real me, the authentic me, up there in the far corner of the top shelf in the closet, to collect dust.
Ultimately it has to come down to me. Yes, there are circumstances that have an major impact on the choices we make in life. And yes, we can't always do what we want, when we want. But that doesn't mean we should stop being who we really are meant to be.
Just another one of those not fun to learn but invaluable life lessons I've learned in the past few years...
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