self-sabotage

That's what I've been doing lately. Self-sabotage. Back-tracking, waiting for the other shoe to drop, worrying more about what could happen or seems to be happening, instead of focusing on the here-and-now.

I don't know if it's the time of year, time of month, phase of life, lifelong habits, mind-set, past trauma, or what. But I've been holding myself back, again. Caught in a pattern of not pushing myself to move forward, and by doing that, getting myself caught in the past.

I will give myself credit, I did realize it. This time. I'm not sure how long it took to figure it out, though. It's not like I was back to wallowing. Outwardly, I may even have given the appearance of moving forward. And to give myself credit, I have dealt with things in the past several months that were, in many ways, steps forward. I took care of some important issues, I bought a car, I've replaced several old appliances. I am making progress. I do know this.

But up in my head, there's that whole thinking too much thing going on. And it's very easy for me to get circular in my thinking, when I argue with myself. It's also much easier to believe what I want to believe, just because I want to believe it, without a lot of evidence to back it up.

(That doesn't mean I'm necessarily wrong. But it can mean I'm not always right. :p)

Anyway, I'm letting stuff take up too much space in my head, that shouldn't be there. That's how I self-sabotage these days. Allowing myself to spend way too much time thinking about things I have no control over and cannot change. It's not good. It takes from the time I should be spending doing other things, thinking about my goals and plan, working on myself, gearing up my job search, focusing on what will be because I will be doing it, not on what may happen because someone else might be doing something.

It's a new month, and almost a new year. No more waiting for a shoe (bitch boots or not) to drop. I'm finding other things to think about.

sigh, he's right

My boyfriend, that is. He mentioned more than once over this past weekend that I don't seem to believe that I'm worthy enough to be treated as well as he treats me. Perhaps I was a bit effusive in my appreciation.

The twisted thing is, intellectually I know I am. Looking over my blog, emotionally however, it seems I'm still catching up.

I really don't like it when signs of still needing to heal hit me like a 2x4.

Thanksgiving

I have so much to be thankful for. Sometimes it's so much easier to dwell on the bad stuff, but today driving home from work I got to think about the wonderful weekend I just had, and how good life is.

Sometimes, it's the little things, like quarters, a clean windshield, and a diet Coke, that let us know how much we're loved. But other times, it's the bigger things, like booking a flight for Thanksgiving weekend with only a few weeks notice, and meeting family members for the first time during a holiday, that show us how very important we are to someone else.

I realized today driving home that I had let myself get back into "waiting for the other shoe to drop" mode. Probably because, and no great surprise here, there's people out there still wanting to drop shoes on my head. But ya know, there's nothing I can do about that. Except of course, hope that the shoes that drop are a pair of rockin' black leather bitch boots. Because I could always use a pair of those. :p

Thanksgiving, then and now

4 years ago, Thanksgiving 2007, if I had only known what to look for, the red flags were flying all over the place.

In September 2007, we had gone out of state to the memorial service for now-ex's grandmother. After the service the conversation became about how we (extended family) had only been getting together for funerals, or so it seemed. Ex's aunt commented about how it would be nice to get together for a holiday, instead. Ex said he really did want to visit her, and see the property she had bought. So I made the suggestion that maybe we could come for a visit for that Thanksgiving. Ex really seemed to like that idea, so I went one step farther and volunteered to do the cooking, at his aunt's house.

2 months later, we're making this trip, and it seems like a major inconvenience to ex. He didn't help me get ready for the trip (I was packing up not only food, but small kitchen appliances to bring). He didn't even seem like he wanted to go, and all I wanted was a little help, and some appreciation for doing this for him.

We ended up sniping at each other for most of the trip. Somehow, it seemed to be my fault, too.

I didn't find out about him cheating until Sept 2008. But armed with plenty of knowledge from SI, and hindsight, it's obvious some stage of his affair had started by then, and ex was resenting me for having to spend the holiday with his family. 

Anyway, it's 4 years later. I don't know what the hell ex will be doing for Thanksgiving, and I don't really care. I do think he will be somewhere really missing my cooking, though.lol Otoh, I will be enjoying a wonderful Thanksgiving feast with my kids, my mom, and my boyfriend (who, btw, has already told me to put him to work in the kitchen tomorrow).

It's such a contrast. I usually try not to compare. Probably not too successfully, but I do try. Anyway, I'm sitting at work today, bored, with way too much time to think. I kind of wondered why Thanksgiving isn't a trigger for me, given what I know now. But I've decided that it doesn't matter.

What does matter is that I'm thankful for what I have, the people in my life, and for how far I've come in the past 4 years.

Life is good. :)  Happy Thanksgiving!

oh...I bought a car!

See, it's been so hectic I forgot I hadn't mentioned that already. I bought a car! The first car I've bought on my own in over 25 years. I got a decent price, and I was able to get an even better interest rate than I expected. Odd as it sounds, I feel like an incredibly competent adult for being able to handle this all on my own. :D

it's been...

hectic is the word ds used to describe it, and he'd be correct. there was a lot going on - getting the insurance check, buying a car, picking up the car, dropping off the rental, all on top of the usual life stuff like work, grocery shopping, school for the kids, and so on.

We (the kids & I) are all introverted to varying degrees, so we like our down time at home. Dealing with the car stuff impinged on that.

But on the silver lining side, it's been taken care of and I have a new to me car sitting in the driveway. Today I can sit back and take some time to enjoy just being at home. :)

what a contrast

My boyfriend came for a visit this weekend. We had planned the visit before I was in the wreck, but the timing couldn't have been better. He needed to see for himself that I really was okay, and I needed some relief from the stress of dealing with all the insurance/car shopping stuff.

I know I should try harder to not compare my boyfriend and ex. But sometimes it's just so glaringly different and better with my boyfriend that it's hard to not draw some comparisons.

Prior to this wreck, the last wreck I was in happened about 17 years ago or so. I was in a Mustang, and got rear-ended by a pickup truck. It wasn't a high-speed impact, and there wasn't much damage done to my car at all. But I was pregnant with my younger son.

I was able to drive home, shaken and more than a little scared for my baby. I came into the house, told then-husband, and his first reaction was to go outside and look at the car.

Flash forward to now. The wreck I was in recently was more serious. I had minor injuries, and my van totaled. But neither was I pregnant this time, nor were my kids in the vehicle. I was not seriously injured The accident could have been a lot worse than it was. I was lucky.

Now, instead of a husband who checks on vehicles first, before making sure his pregnant wife and unborn child are okay, I have this incredibly sweet, wonderful man who flew to visit me for a weekend, who needed to make sure I was okay, and who wanted to pamper me. He looked at the scrapes and cut on my head within seconds of seeing me at the airport. He wanted to look at each and every bruise, so he could see that they were healing and fading already. He made sure I had plenty to eat, ran errands with me, and even came to the eye doctor with me just to sit around waiting for a couple of hours.

Before he left today, I tried to tell my boyfriend how much it meant to me, and why it did, although without going into the exact details of why. To feel the love and level of caring from him truly does feel like such a wonderful gift.

it is a contrast...